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Original poster

Do men only give attention to women they fancy?

48 replies

Qwertyqueen1 · 10/08/2023 21:24

i work in a corporate environment where most of the work we do is work from home. A few months ago I made friends with guy similiar age and interests to me and he makes a real effort to always reach out and will plan office days around my availability so we can have lunch or go for a coffee. We are both in long term relationships and although I will admit I find him attractive I’ve kept it strictly friends between us and genuinely just enjoy our friendship, wouldn’t want anything more from him and am in a happy relationship. I was telling my friend about the effort he makes to keep in touch and she’s got into my head that it’s because he probably fancies me and that’s made me feel awkward and I’m wondering if this is the case or I’m overthinking it. He’s never overstepped in any sort of way and I don’t think he would? Would love to know other peoples thoughts on this

OP posts:

VaddaABeetch · 11/08/2023 08:44

I bet if you were 55 (my age) & more than unusually plain he wouldn’t be so interested in being your friend.

I’m cynical, I don’t seem to have as many men at work wanting to be my friend as I did 20 years ago.

baileys6904 · 11/08/2023 08:48

xPeaceXx · 11/08/2023 07:38

Yes, he likes being around you. Even if he knows nothing will happen, men like the status if being your friend at work.

It's funny, the man on this thread who says he has two female friends at work, both just friends, he adds that they are both 20 years younger, so he clearly likes The Status of being around /the friend of younger women.

What's funny is if a male orientated website spurted similar bilge about women, we'd be labelling them incel and tate-ish! You don't know this man or women, why on earth would you make such a jump and single him out rather than just concentrate on the person asking for advice??

For what it worth, I hVe some fantastic male friends 20 years younger than me. At my age it's harder to have male friends 20 years older. They would be in a different stage of life to me, whereas those 20 years younger still have things in common. However I judge my friends over our values, our humour, and our experiences and likes. Nothing to do with age. A couple of my really good friends are half my age. I feel I have my older experience to bring to the table, they have their energy and tales to tell. Love them to bits. Don't fancy them in the slightest.

PS. I'm female and straight

continentallentil · 11/08/2023 08:49

0021andabit · 10/08/2023 21:47

Unless she’s spent a lot of time with the two of you & observed a particular dynamic when you’re together, I’d say don’t over think it. I’ve got several male mates who would go out their way to spend time with me (and me them) bcos we enjoy each other’s company & it brightens up a working day.

Yes this.

GentlemanJay · 11/08/2023 09:27

I'm single. My very best friends are women who are also single. I'm not interested in the dynamic changing. It would go wrong and wreck great friendships.

Charrington · 11/08/2023 09:34

Ime MF friendships are rarely platonic for both sides. I purposely avoid making friends with men now, beyond normal politeness.

I’ve experienced becoming invisible to good friends when they get a gf, DH’s of friends trying it on, and SA.

I was groomed as a teen though so I suspect my creep radar might be a bit off. It’s nice to hear that decent men don’t do this, but I don’t seem to be equipped to identify them

BunnyBetChetwynnd · 11/08/2023 09:49

You find him attractive. Something about him is making you think there's more to it. I say trust your instincts and be careful this doesn't go wrong for you.

perfectcolourfound · 11/08/2023 11:26

Men can be friends with people they don't fancy. I have male friends who have never fancied me or vice versa. My husband has female friends he doesn't remotely fancy.

Everyone is different, and there will be some men who don't think women are worth bothering with unless they are attractive (ie mysognists), and 'players' who don't want to give up any energy on unattractive women. Hopefully they aren't the majority. I don't think they are.

And it's OK to be wary of new bahaviour .... if a man seems to befriend all the new folk at work, but only the attractive female ones, then I'd question that.

If a man has a decent mix of M/F friends and that's always been the case, nothing to see here.

xPeaceXx · 11/08/2023 11:34

VaddaABeetch · 11/08/2023 08:44

I bet if you were 55 (my age) & more than unusually plain he wouldn’t be so interested in being your friend.

I’m cynical, I don’t seem to have as many men at work wanting to be my friend as I did 20 years ago.

Exactly.

I'm 53 and more able to stay on my side of the net now. I'm not needy, co-dependant, anxious, avoidant et cetera.
I'm more resilient and independent now, but still just as good humoured and optimistic.

No men are keen to be my friend at work. In fact about 2 months ago a man of about 45 started my work. I heard him chatting easily to his boss who is a woman my own age who I rate v highly, she is very funny. I chatted to him and got a succession of one word answers back. I realised that he was communicating through the medium of one word answers that we were not going to be friendly. Weird. The effort of having several different personalities on the go would exhaust me but it's the norm for a lot of people.

Yetisrus29 · 11/08/2023 16:34

My best friend is male. I've known him 25 years almost, I went to his wedding. Nothing but platonic love there.

I'm friends with a couple of the guys from work, we chat, we have a laugh, if you find someone you click with it's nice, it makes the office less lonely. I'm also old enough to be their mum so I hardly think it's because they fancy me.

5128gap · 11/08/2023 19:28

He might fancy you. He might think you'll be a useful work contact. He may be extremely and unusually attracted to your personality.
His behaviour certainly suggests one of the above as he's going to some effort to 'court' your friendship. Usually people don't make that kind of effort to deliberately to get close to colleagues, it's generally much more organic.
Anyway, are you sure your feelings are entirely platonic? You find him attractive and you're not dismissing your friends views out of hand, as most of us would in platonic situations. Is part of you hoping she's right?
Personally I'd be careful. Moving from colleague to friend to best friend to inappropriate relationship is very very common, whatever all the people who's friends don't fancy them tell you.

MentholLoad · 11/08/2023 19:33

nah, I've made lifelong friends at work, some men, with no romance. it makes work so much better if you have colleagues that you genuinely get on with

Crikeyalmighty · 11/08/2023 23:27

I think more to the point OP is that you fancy him and are questioning if it's likely to be mutual- your post just gives off those vibes

AmeliPoison · 12/08/2023 03:34

Men can fancy many women at the same time, it doesn't mean it's special when he gives a woman attention as in she's not necessarily the love of his life, men have a low threshold for sexual attractiveness which is nature's way of ensuring procreation. Women are more selective in who they give attention to.

But this isn't what you are asking, in your situation it sounds like you'd like there to be an affair. Unless you can benefit him in a financial or career way that makes networking with you beneficial for his career, then this amount of attention is likely because he fancies you. He might also fancy other women at the same time. He is doing more with you because he thinks you're hot and might be hoping for an affair particularly as he doesn't talk about his girlfriend. If he was that private a person he wouldn't be having private lunches with you.

Suffolkmum81 · 12/08/2023 07:09

No I don’t believe men and women can be friends . I think there is always some feelings on one side . I read a book by Steve Harvey , he says that men always have a plan when they see a woman . That’s kind of stuck in my head

MaxTalk · 12/08/2023 07:19

If he feels he has a chance, he will. Men only talk to women in that way if they fancy them or can help themin some way.

Or he is bored and has no career ambitions.

RantyAnty · 12/08/2023 07:40

Yes, he fancies you. He isn't trying to be bff with someone 55 in the office is he.

PurpleSteak · 12/08/2023 07:47

I think everyone only really "gives attention" to people they want something from. That might be the mum at the school gate who can help with childcare or has a child your DD wants to play with or a colleague who can share ideas or make you laugh.

IME men most often want to "share ideas" with women they also fancy. That doesn't necessarily mean they plan to do anything about it but it always comes out in the end that there was something underlying.

AmeliPoison · 12/08/2023 07:56

He wouldn't be investing in you if he couldn't get something out of you be it sex or a leg up on the career ladder. Sometimes even flirty attention is reward enough if he is that thirsty and insecure.

I don't believe in platonic friendships between heterosexual men and women.
And it's funny because these men always seem to suddenly want to pursue 'friendships' with a certain type of woman and not others. 😂

5128gap · 12/08/2023 08:23

There is also the possibility that he knows you find him attractive. Men are not immune to basking in a little female attention. They have egos too, and coffees and lunches with a colleague who fancies him and so is likely paying him quite a high level of attention, laughing at his jokes, listening to his words of wisdom, as we do when we're attracted to someone, could give him a bit of a boost.

UglyNameChange · 12/08/2023 08:27

And it's funny because these men always seem to suddenly want to pursue 'friendships' with a certain type of woman and not others. 😂

So true!
It’s never the overweight one’s, or ugly or old one’s.
Just the young(er) and pretty one’s 😉
Not suspicious at all….

Thisisworsethananticpated · 12/08/2023 08:31

He fancies you a bit
and you clearly fancy him a bit as you’ve started a thread !!!!

bit doesn’t mean anything will happen
but watch boundaries

PurpleSteak · 12/08/2023 08:32

UglyNameChange · 12/08/2023 08:27

And it's funny because these men always seem to suddenly want to pursue 'friendships' with a certain type of woman and not others. 😂

So true!
It’s never the overweight one’s, or ugly or old one’s.
Just the young(er) and pretty one’s 😉
Not suspicious at all….

I actually had one of these friendships that over a long period of time nearly became something else. I really didn't see it coming because I definitely am not the "type" you're describing, although I know what you mean and it is so often the case.

I saw it happen many times over a long career, but really thought I'd be immune to it as a serious woman who didn't giggle, flirt or flatter or pay much attention to appearance. I also wasn't young.

I became friends with the man precisely because he seemed such a decent family man and was no threat, in a world where most men were predators and there weren't many women to be friends with.

AmeliPoison · 12/08/2023 08:36

Yeah they don't go asking 18 stone 50 year old Sally with 5 missing teeth and chin hair for friendship....

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