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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH making me miserable

20 replies

Alfiesmum12 · 10/08/2023 17:23

OH is making me so miserable
hes so negative, everything he sees in a negative light but I got used to it, it’s starting to get me down now
we share a ds who is 3. Never lived together and we see each other maybe once a week as he works overtime constantly. (He contributes a small amount of money monthly in ‘CS’)
when we do see each other it’s never really positive, in fact the last time he came round he didn’t even say hello just grunted as he walked in.
we have never had a consistent sex life but now it’s pretty much dead. I think I’m the last 8 months we’ve maybe dtd 3/4 times.
he’s always on my back about something, doesn’t like my older children
he ruins every plan I try and make where we can have time to ourselves
I’ve told him a million times it’s not working, he’s telling me I’m not giving him a chance to change.
this has been going on for 5 years
has anyone else been through this? I feel like I’m losing my mind. I clearly don’t make him happy, he doesn’t make me happy but he won’t let me walk away

OP posts:
ButterflyOil · 10/08/2023 17:27

Why does he get to decide if you walk away? It’s not about him ‘letting you’. He’s not going to change, you know this, so you can decide at any point to say enough is enough. It sounds like he adds nothing to your life and is a drain.

Also why does he only contribute a small amount if he is working so much? Where else is the money going?

TwilightSkies · 10/08/2023 17:28

You don’t need his permission to end it. Take your power back and tell him straight.

YukoandHiro · 10/08/2023 17:30

If it's five years, you have DC and you don't live together then nothing is going to change and it's also remarkably easy for you to break free. What's stopping you ending it? It sounds like you'd be much happier co-parenting than pretending this is a solid relationship.

FlossOnTheMill · 10/08/2023 17:30

I’ve told him a million times it’s not working...

You know the definition of insanity, right?

So why do you let this go on ?

Give him his marching orders and put in a claim for the child support you're entitled to.

And don't look back.

gamerchick · 10/08/2023 17:33

Put in for proper child support. Rock the boat a bit, then tell him you've given him 5 years 'to change' and you're done.

Just looks like he doesn't want anyone else to have you to me.

Original poster
Alfiesmum12 · 10/08/2023 17:36

His debts apparently.
hes been abusive on so many occasions, always puts it down to alcohol consumption, that it’s easier for me just to comply and be grateful that I don’t see him very often as his drinking etc gets worse
I’ve pulled back to the point that he’s actually noticed and says things like you haven’t asked when I’m off work this week, so he knows I’m done with the situation but he just acts like nothing is changing. I don’t know whether he just keeps me near by to keep his control or whether it’s because I have our son. I just don’t know

OP posts:
FlossOnTheMill · 10/08/2023 17:41

You need to learn how to establish boundaries and stop him from abusing you.

Do the Freedom Programme

Merapi · 10/08/2023 18:04

Change the locks so he can't just walk into your home whenever he feels like it.

he won't let me walk away In what way do you mean?

Surely you can decide whether to be in a relationship with him or not, the decision is not all his just because you share a dc.

GG1986 · 10/08/2023 18:14

You don't live together which is great, I would say it's easy for you to walk away. Tell him it is not working for you anymore, he hasn't changed and you are done. He can't force you to stay with him x

SpringleDingle · 10/08/2023 18:16

You need to learn how to move on. Ditch this guy and enjoy peace, then choose better!!

TheCatterall · 10/08/2023 18:21

He’s abusive and negative and drinks too much.

and how does he stop you from dumping him?

when you tell him it’s over. You’re done with the relationship. How does he stop you?

Tell him it’s over. stop answering the phone to him. Stop contacting him. Stop letting him in your house. When he asks to see his child arrange a regular contact time outside of your home

got your keys - ask for them back or swap/change locks.

Dery · 10/08/2023 18:26

@Alfiesmum12 - you can’t be with someone who doesn’t like your DCs. So even if everything else were good, he would need to be gone. But nothing else is good. He’s had 5 years of chances and blown them all. You don’t need his permission to walk away. He won’t like it but that’s irrelevant. You need to end it and keep it finished. If you’re scared of what he might do, speak to the police beforehand and let them know what’s gone on.

Cherrysoup · 10/08/2023 18:31

Don’t let him come round anymore. Tell him to come to collect your ds when he wants but no staying over. If he kicks off, get him out.

Original poster
Alfiesmum12 · 10/08/2023 19:17

Something was said earlier and after his comments last week where he basically looked at my private mail when I was at work and questioned me about a credit card I am going to message him and tell him I no longer want him to come into my house as he seems to be snooping around and that’s making me uncomfortable
i am weak and I am scared to stand up for myself, I do know this. I’ve spent so long walking on eggshells it’s just become the norm now
I think what I want is for him to make the decision to leave me, then I feel that I won’t have to contend with his crap and begging and promises to change
but he won’t and I can’t understand why when we just don’t get along, surely he wants more from life, surely he wants a sex life with someone and to be happy
none of it makes sense

OP posts:
BCBird · 10/08/2023 19:20

What about what you want?. Peace is very underrated OP

Original poster
Alfiesmum12 · 10/08/2023 19:32

Truthfully I want to be on my own. I want to be able to make plans for next year, book a holiday for me and my kids, something I haven’t been able to do because if he doesn’t get invited he’ll have a huge issue yet wouldn’t want to go if my kids are there.
he gets jealous if I even say anything positive about my children so I’ve learned to just not say anything, thankfully they don’t see him because it’s very rare he’s with me.
I asked him to have our son overnight last week as I wasn’t very well, he did but made sure he moaned about it saying I don’t ask other dc father to have them overnight!! It’s pathetic tit for tat weird behaviour and I just can’t take it anymore. The stuff he says actually makes me cringe, like a grown man bitching and keeping score
honestly he makes me want to crawl into my own arse

OP posts:
FlossOnTheMill · 10/08/2023 19:34

Can you start by doing the Freedom Programme, @Alfiesmum12 ?

TheWayoftheLeaf · 10/08/2023 20:13

Just tell him it's over, file for child support and move on. You don't live together anyway and he makes you miserable.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 10/08/2023 20:15

Also change the locks so he can't get in your home. If he comes over and is aggressive call the police.

fullbloom87 · 10/08/2023 20:25

5 years and you have a child together yet he just pays maintenance and doesn't live with you and you've had sex ess than a handful of times in the past 8 months.
What's the point in the relationship?
End it and go find your happiness!.

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