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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't stop worrying ! Court order

51 replies

xx200xx · 10/08/2023 16:02

Hiya, so me and my child's father currently have a court order in place, he only has my child a few hours a week for 2 days a week.

We are back in court in October but the judge did say if we can come to agreement outside of court about overnight contact then we can start that.

I offered my child's father overnights and he has said he's sticking to the court order. He is also trying to gain custody of my child.

I'm now worried how this would affect the case, I'm worried the courts might think I'm not sticking to the order and that dad is. Even tho dad did ask not so long ago through solicitors if he can have him once a week in august overnight.

Can't help that worry I have done something bad by offering this?? I just felt like my son was ready now.

OP posts:
Original poster
xx200xx · 10/08/2023 17:12

Dery · 10/08/2023 17:09

In addition, the court may well recognise the fact that he is going for full custody as abusive. It’s what abusers do. And if you were an incompetent or neglectful parent, he should have jumped at the chance of overnights but he didn’t. So just make sure the court is aware the offer was made and declined.

Exactly!! He could of rang social services or anything but he hasn't.

He asked to have my son overnights not long ago after court and now declining.
He's so difficult.
All this court stuff has caused a horrible year and I feel for my child so much!!

OP posts:
JibbaJab · 10/08/2023 17:17

Dery · 10/08/2023 17:09

In addition, the court may well recognise the fact that he is going for full custody as abusive. It’s what abusers do. And if you were an incompetent or neglectful parent, he should have jumped at the chance of overnights but he didn’t. So just make sure the court is aware the offer was made and declined.

That's my worry, I'm a father and I'm claiming abuse and I'm going for residency. I'm hoping it's not seen that way because I'm trying to save my children from my wife who is abusive and is withholding them she has them isolated.

But yeah it's an abuser tactic for sure which is what is happening here clearly. I just don't have any choice I can't leave them there.

Grandfather has no clout either, just ignore them both I think you have been more than amicable, wish I had that, he's a tit!

Original poster
xx200xx · 10/08/2023 18:29

@JibbaJab

Good luck!! It's so hard nowadays.
To many people lie in court and this is what makes it hard

OP posts:
NewStartNow · 10/08/2023 18:36

Went to family court with my abusive ex. He also went for full custody. He got access EOW and weds nights. The courts do realise that abusers will often continue to abuse their ex-partner via the children. As long as you aren't stopping him from seeing them you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

PreschoolMum4 · 10/08/2023 18:57

Initially threatened full custody and also made the same accusations about the children in dirty clothes 🙄, then he wanted 50/50 then more 60/40 (him 40). I think that sounds sensible and realistic.

My ex has a long weekend (alternate weeks) and we share holidays. Surprisingly on good terms now the dust has settled

JibbaJab · 10/08/2023 19:14

xx200xx · 10/08/2023 18:29

@JibbaJab

Good luck!! It's so hard nowadays.
To many people lie in court and this is what makes it hard

Thanks been so long now not even allowed to talk on phone.

Yup, it's disgusting it's all fabricated it doesn't even make sense. It annoys me because all the other women out there who are desperately trying to escape abusers and mine is making it harder for others to be believed by compulsively lying. But then I kinda have to be don't I otherwise get found out, scapegoat me instead.

I hope your situation gets resolved but don't take any threats or harassment in the meantime.

Soloparenthelp · 10/08/2023 19:40

My ex started all this nonsense. I think it will work in your favour that you’ve offered overnight visits and he has declined. It is very unlikely that a court will grant multiple nights a week from seeing him a few hours. Make sure you’ve got a good solicitor behind you and also ask for advice on how you can demonstrate that you are not sending your son in dirty clothes. The fact that he is returning him in dirty clothes may also help, it’s showing that he is not providing for his welfare. That said, your son is 2. 2 year olds get dirty.

Original poster
xx200xx · 11/08/2023 08:23

NewStartNow · 10/08/2023 18:36

Went to family court with my abusive ex. He also went for full custody. He got access EOW and weds nights. The courts do realise that abusers will often continue to abuse their ex-partner via the children. As long as you aren't stopping him from seeing them you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Did you ask for every other weekend? I want to go for exactly what your ex got granted but I'm worried they will give Ex loads of time.

OP posts:
Original poster
xx200xx · 11/08/2023 08:24

Soloparenthelp · 10/08/2023 19:40

My ex started all this nonsense. I think it will work in your favour that you’ve offered overnight visits and he has declined. It is very unlikely that a court will grant multiple nights a week from seeing him a few hours. Make sure you’ve got a good solicitor behind you and also ask for advice on how you can demonstrate that you are not sending your son in dirty clothes. The fact that he is returning him in dirty clothes may also help, it’s showing that he is not providing for his welfare. That said, your son is 2. 2 year olds get dirty.

When dropping him of one time, grandad told me my son chucked bbq sauce across the room and that's why my sons clothes are dirty. But how does that even work ??? My son had finger prints on his outfit it was clear.

I have some pictures and then other times I don't what's annoying!

OP posts:
Original poster
xx200xx · 11/08/2023 08:25

@JibbaJab

Thankyou!!

It also won't look good your ex keeping the kids from you, that never goes well unless she had a real reason. I was in a refuge so it was different.
Hopefully u got loads of evidence!!

How old are your children?

OP posts:
NewStartNow · 11/08/2023 08:39

He went for full custody then when that was denied he asked for every weekend. I disagreed with that as I work full time and weekends are my quality time with DD. I agreed to alternate Christmas's. And two weeks for holidays.

Original poster
xx200xx · 11/08/2023 08:41

NewStartNow · 11/08/2023 08:39

He went for full custody then when that was denied he asked for every weekend. I disagreed with that as I work full time and weekends are my quality time with DD. I agreed to alternate Christmas's. And two weeks for holidays.

I don't want so I'm worried he would get every weekend, but I heard courts never normally do every weekend?

Is alternative Christmas where you have children a Christmas each?

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright2 · 11/08/2023 08:53

Did you say he lives a long way away ? Because he is 2 you need to think forward in terms of school too .. Is little one in nursery?
Do you work Monday-Friday c- these are all factors.

Original poster
xx200xx · 11/08/2023 09:07

Starlightstarbright2 · 11/08/2023 08:53

Did you say he lives a long way away ? Because he is 2 you need to think forward in terms of school too .. Is little one in nursery?
Do you work Monday-Friday c- these are all factors.

Yes, so he lives an hour away from the pickup location and it takes me about an hour and half on a bus to the pickup location. So it's a lot of travelling for little one.

I'm not working at the moment no. However planning on getting little one into nursery start of next year.

OP posts:
Original poster
xx200xx · 11/08/2023 09:10

He quit is job supposedly and said in his statement he wants to go back part time when he finds out what days he has our son. He said he's of work on sick because of alll the stress.

That's not the case, he quit when he had to pay maintenance. He won't go back part time either he will go back full time and get his father to have our son.

He's lied in court so much already

OP posts:
JibbaJab · 11/08/2023 09:16

xx200xx · 11/08/2023 08:25

@JibbaJab

Thankyou!!

It also won't look good your ex keeping the kids from you, that never goes well unless she had a real reason. I was in a refuge so it was different.
Hopefully u got loads of evidence!!

How old are your children?

Yeah, I'm hoping it will be obvious but problem is I'm being made out as the abusive one. She didn't flee though I was forced out, no refuge, not reported me to SS or police, got no record. Only saw them a few times initially I last had them on my own. So in total I've had like 10hrs, two on my own then five months nothing at all. No family either won't let them see anyone not even own.

They are nine and seven. Hard because I was actually a SAHD I raised them from new borns.

Soloparenthelp · 11/08/2023 09:37

Have you got a solicitor ?

NewStartNow · 11/08/2023 09:37

Yes it's a Christmas each but we swap midday. I don't think every weekend would be granted.

NewStartNow · 11/08/2023 09:45

In my experience the courts will see right through him. Mine hired a barrister. Made no difference to the outcome.
As long as you frame everything in the best interests of the children then you should be fine. Make the point that any 'power' he's given he will use to further abuse you which obviously affects the children. I got residency, he got access which means I'm in the driving seat so to speak.

Original poster
xx200xx · 11/08/2023 09:48

Soloparenthelp · 11/08/2023 09:37

Have you got a solicitor ?

Yes I have a solictor and a barrister!

OP posts:
Original poster
xx200xx · 11/08/2023 09:49

NewStartNow · 11/08/2023 09:45

In my experience the courts will see right through him. Mine hired a barrister. Made no difference to the outcome.
As long as you frame everything in the best interests of the children then you should be fine. Make the point that any 'power' he's given he will use to further abuse you which obviously affects the children. I got residency, he got access which means I'm in the driving seat so to speak.

I have a barrister in the hearings, he has a solictor. I am hoping for residency and I do hope the courts see through him. My barrister certainly does. That fact he refused contact in court one time probably don't look good either. It shows he is being difficult

OP posts:
NewStartNow · 11/08/2023 09:51

Absolutely. They're not daft. They're human and have seen it all before.
I know it's hard but please try not to worry.

Soloparenthelp · 11/08/2023 10:19

Yes it’s easier said than done but having gone through it recently, it does calm down and you settle into new life. You will find turbulence but you get stronger.

Original poster
xx200xx · 11/08/2023 15:09

I just don't understand why he wouldn't jump to having him overnight.

He was asking to have him for a week not long ago and his solicitor was the one to ask.

So surely she wouldn't of advised him to not accept overnight contact?

OP posts:
JibbaJab · 11/08/2023 15:24

Problem is the solicitor is acting on his behalf, that depends whether he's listening to that advice or not.

Like mine hers have asked for communication through solicitors yet they aren't communicating. They've also suggested contact arrangements, gone back on themselves, suggested different arrangements then not not fulfilled them. All apparently from her...but that's not how she is why would she offer that considering no contact.

So its either they are doing things without her say or she's going back on it after figuring out it's not what thought. Likewise, no response could be she hasn't instructed a response so they aren't replying.

It's stupid.