Ending marriage but the manipulation has started…..

[Scaredmam50]

Hi, he’s finally agreed to separate. But alongside the emotional abuse and Jekyll/Hyde I’ve had to manage during these last few years, he’s decided that if he has to move out the family home, I will have to buy him out. He earns more than me and I know I’ll sadly have to sell but is he right? Will I have to buy him out if I don’t sell? I thought he had to provide for our two children who are teenagers.

He has already started telling his counsellor it’s me who is abusive and I’ve worn him out. It’s actually me who is suffering most and I know judging by how he is how it will get worse.

I’m relieved but scared as new journey begins.

Sorry to hear you're struggling, it's hard but don't let it wear you down.

I don't know for sure only my own situation to go off but I think he's only required to pay child maintenance if you initiate that but I think would be circumstance where he's not living there.

Depends on your circumstances I guess but although it would be stupid not to, he could also not pay the mortgage, I think. If you have the house and the children there then court for example could say you can remain but I don't think he can just go 'buy me out' that would require the solicitors and court route, I believe and depends on the children I think.

My wife who was abusive and the same as yours, has taken the house from under me and accused me but not officially, just through solicitors. I'm not allowed there now but I'm paying maintenance and my half of the mortgage and I'm taking her to court for access as she is withholding the children.

So no it's not as easy or quick to just say bang buy me out that would need to be looked into and your circumstances would determine that. We're nowhere near that stage yet, have no idea what is going on as refuses to communicate but first is the children.

Be wary if it is same as mine because there's no low have your back covered as I didn't and they took it all.

You need to speak to a solicitor. But more than likely yea youll have to sell if you cannot buy him out

Do you have other assets including pensions?

Get some legal advice, but yes, normally you would have to sell or buy him out. Your ex needs to be able to provide himself with a home, preferably with enough room for the dcs.

And from your point of you, you need a clean break.

There are exceptions so talk to a solicitor.

Best to sell the place anyway. Make a fresh start.

As for the councilor, 'why the fuck would I give a shit about your councilors opinion on our marriage? Jog on arsehole'.

Don't have any more conversations with him unless its through the solicitor. Or regarding pick up and drop off of kids. Just don't respond to anything goady.

Councilors see his sort day in day out. They know the score. Also, presumably you only have his word on what this person says anyway.

You'll need to develop a thick skin. But it'll help to bare in mind that most of what he says is bullshit designed to aggravate you. Just don't be there to listen to it.

I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through @JibbaJab , it must be hard not to see your children following her accusations. In my case, he is emotionally abusive to me and controlling (not to the children). Do you think courts once they hear this would stop him seeing our kids?

I’m already feeling anxious about selling our home and finding somewhere. I don’t really want to move and think for a few years I could manage the mortgage. Due to children having GCSEs coming up. I don’t have a pension.

He is a bully and now since I try to talk to him, he shuts me off and tells me to go away as I’ve ruined his life. This is going to get far worse.

Sorry @MintJulia and @Pinkbonbon only seeing your reply after I posted. It would be a fresh start but I’m terrified as not sure I could afford elsewhere. He has family inheritance to find a place and high salary. I work part time and earn just about enough to manage current mortgage.

I feel a weight lifted. I have spoken previously to a solicitor and I remember her mentioning court orders but didn’t think much of it. I need to get my finances in check as we have a joint account and he manages this not me. He has a pension which he said is ours but I believe all in his name.

Yeah, sucks but won't let them get away with it!

I'm not sure to be honest I have court date but a while away so can't say for sure. I think it may extend to children if they have witnessed it, which mine have throughout but again it's hard to prove. I have read others saying theirs had contact still and as far as I know courts want a relationship with both parents. What contact comes from that I guess is determined from the level of the abuse.

My case I had mostly emotional and psychological which the children were around and it has affected them but I had physical too when they weren't around. Now it's the same really isn't it, this is not about me it's the children that's suffering from withholding.

So mines bit different perhaps, I have claimed abuse and my solicitor has also claimed child abuse, alongside welfare concerns. My issue is they are currently isolated with the abusive parent, no family either so I am going for residency. Whether I can achieve that I don't know but the current situation isn't right I don't know how anyone could.

Some from reading end up with 50:50, others less, contact centre or indirect depending on the risk.

Be careful though because I thought everything was fine and they turned instantly out of nowhere and cleaned out the joint accounts. Although apparently not looked favourably there's nothing you can do and they are able to as are you.

Gosh that sounds awful@JibbaJab , it must be hard not seeing your children, thank you for the heads up. I’m hoping I will be able to understand my financial circumstances enough to explain to a solicitor. I’m scared if it does end up going to court as he is far cleverer and articulate than me.

Anyway, I’m keeping out of his way, I just keeping getting glares😰.

Yeah, it's pretty awful but hopefully see them eventually, not much can do until court.

Keep your distance probably best bet and keep a record if anything arises, I actually recorded mine as proof when this all happened.

Court is daunting but it's family court not like normal court apparently so not in a courtroom. Rather not all the same but if have no option but may not come to that. They should listen to both of you and at end of day should be what's best all round not necessarily what he wants.

Solicitor should be able to advise you pretty well going forward just don't agree to anything without advice first.

Money wise if you feel things are going down a wrong turn maybe get some funds in an account of your own, just in case but keep aware of the joint issue.

Sorry you're going through this OP. The pension will likely be in his name but if you're married it will go in the pot and you'll be entitled to a share of it. Depending on the value of the pension and house you could potentially say you'll forego taking any of his pension if you can keep the house. You'll need to speak to a solicitor though to get it all worked out.