Should I be worried?

[Lifeiswhatyoumakeit1]

There's been a few behaviours from my partner over our 6 year relationship and recently I've started to wonder whether it's right.

When we first got together he was attracted to the way I dressed and the effort I put in. As the months went on he started to get picky about what I wore or the way I had my hair if we went to events together. If we weren't matching colours for a wedding he'd get annoyed and tell me to change and when I had my hair done for my summer ball he made me feel so bad about it I went to the hairdressers to get it changed - otherwise he said he wasn't coming. He had his friends round once and I was about to go out he told me to get changed in front of his mates because he thought my dress was to short.

Sometimes if we went out he said I was overdressed and I'd have to get changed. Things are good sometimes but he very critical of my cleaning or cooking - can never just say somethings nice. Always has to be a 'but' or you haven't done this properly. Overtime it's worn me down and I just feel like I'm not good enough.

Every time I'd get a tattoo we'd have an argument because he didn't like it or that I should of run it past him first. I'd understand if it was something bold or on my face but they are dainty and pretty but apparently they make me less attractive.

The most recent thing is that I started to get Botox - I'm coming into my mid thirties and I wanted to try and get a little bit for my lines. He basically said if I get anymore then he won't be happy and he'll have something to say about it.
I've had it since but I didn't tell him as I was to scared to, I know it's bad but it made me feel so good about myself having it done.

I can't even buy things for our house without him being there - and I don't mean big items of furniture. I mean like candles or ornaments.

I know it sounds bad because this has all been over the course of our relationship. He's always had a temper and now I just feel like I'm walking around on eggshells. I've spoken to him before but he said I make him out to be worse then he is and that If I didn't do/say certain things he wouldn't have to say anything as most of it is just common sense.

Is every long term relationship like this or am I missing something?

Worried no, but if he has a temper you should be very careful when binning him off. Get things well organised and have friends and family help you leave.

Hey, sorry you're struggling, it's hard.

In my opinion, yes this is controlling behavior and not what a relationship should be like. You should be able to dress how you like, your hair, tattoos, whatever because it's your choice and body and not his. You are not a possession.

I can relate to how you feel, I am a guy and I had this with my wife. Like you, I was told what to wear, how to have my hair and I didn't actually buy any of my own clothes going on thirteen years because everything I bought or wore was deemed wrong. I had no say in anything that was bought for the house too.

Similarly, do nice things or anything in general there was always a slight in there, never just appreciation or gratitude, something was picked at.

Now, I don't know your circumstances in general but mine was abusive and at the time I did not know the warning signs and I was knee deep until I got distance. This is how mine started and it got worse over the years and turned into something else entirely.

Remember at the end of the day, you are not owned by anyone it is your body, your life. You are also not responsible for other people's behavior or actions or what they say to you, that's on them and none else.

All of this behavior, the result is you doubt yourself and reality, I think you may be doing it now. You are questioning whether you are right, if he's right. You are right.

Any other things that you are unsure of, you say he has a temper how does that play out?

He’s been trying to control you throughout your relationship and such behaviour from him is abusive in nature. If you read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft your man is in those pages. This relationship therefore is over and you will need to plan your exit with care.

You should absolutely be worried about this.

It's very controlling, negative and not at all normal in a relationship.

Yuck you should be leaving. He's a controlling arsehole.

No, all long term relationships are not like this. My husband has never once gotten angry with me over what I was wearing or ordered me to change or made me feel bad enough about my hair that I changed it.

No, this is not normal. This is coercive control. You can’t be in a relationship with someone you have to walk on eggshells round. He thinks he owns you and that is why he gets to tell you how you should look, what you should wear etc.

You need to get away from him but as someone said upthread, he is unlikely to go easily so as and when you’re ready to end it, it is safer to make sure someone is on hand.

And this:

“My husband has never once gotten angry with me over what I was wearing or ordered me to change or made me feel bad enough about my hair that I changed it.”

Same goes for me and my DH and I have been together for nearly 25 years.

@JibbaJab Thank you and sorry to hear you experienced the same. Um he has been physical a few times when he's been angry but mainly insults etc. He doesn't just randomly hit me or anything - it's just when we've had an argument sometimes.

Are you in the UK? Read up on domestic abuse and speak to family and friends about how he has been abusing you.
https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/daa/domestic-abuse//
Note the section on how to hide your internet use from your partner.

Yeah, sorry but no if that is the case he's hurt you in an argument or not, it's not okay and that is abuse. Men worth their salt do not hit any woman let alone their wife, even in anger. Not once have I and I never retaliated when I was getting it.

Read up on abuse because it's not all psychical. Emotional, psychological, verbal and controlling. Seems you have those so far.

Back, back along I never thought mine would do what has done to me and I didn't listen to my gut and brushed it over. Doesn't happen to guys, you know but I was wrong. It eventually became arguments weren't needed just happened whenever felt like it.

Be wary, because those type of people when they feel slighted, feel losing control or rejection, they don't take it well. It invokes something which was true in my case too.

No, relationships aren't supposed to be like this. As others have said, you're in a coercively controlling relationship. Controlling and abusive behaviour usually escalates very gradually over a very long time so you become desensitized to it and can no longer tell what's normal or healthy.

Here are some of the most common examples of coercive control:

• Isolating you from friends and family
• Depriving you of basic needs, such as food
• Monitoring your time
• Monitoring you via online communication tools or spyware
• Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep
• Depriving you access to support services, such as medical services
• Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you’re worthless
• Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you
• Controlling your finances
• Making threats or intimidating you

They may not all apply to your situation, but even if just a few of these examples are present, then it's not a healthy relationship.

Abusive and controlling men always have a way of minimising their behaviour and putting the blame on you. However, it's not your fault. Unfortunately this isn't a problem you can fix. This is the way he is. No amount of talking about it will make him see things differently. You cannot rationalise or reason with men like him.

I would encourage you to ring women's aid for support.

@Lifeiswhatyoumakeit1 you are 100% in an abusive relationship.

He is controlling and uses intimidation and humiliation to over power you. Your thoughts, opinion and self autonomy don't matter to him.

This isn't love.

and now I just feel like I'm walking around on eggshells

This is the acid test of an abusive relationship, OP. Get out of it any way you can.

I'm in exactly the same position. Been with my DH three years, I've only just managed to get my ducks in a row so to speak so will be hopefully leaving within the next two months .
I know it's so hard especially when you love them, but seriously it's not normal and I've only just realised this.
I wish you well

@metoogo sorry to hear you’re going through this to. It’s so confusing because I know deep down somethings not right and I’m not happy but at the same time I’m still so attracted to him.
I have no idea why I still feel like this about someone who’s treated me so bad.

You're in an abusive relationship @Lifeiswhatyoumakeit1. Please take steps to leave him.

Exactly. That's why it's taken me so long to think about leaving. The attraction is like nothing I've ever experienced before , but so is the abuse 😥
I have no words of wisdom really because I feel my life is a mess because of it all.

Just wanted you to know you're not alone x

That's what abuse does to you, it's a trauma bond. Once you are in it after so long it rewires your brain. It's intermittent reinforcement, they are nice for a while then they are bad to you, back to nice then back to bad.

You get addicted to that cycle the bad and the good and the good feels amazing because it's not as low as the bad. You come to depend on that you think it's normal. However, a part of you is saying no this isn't normal and it's your gut not your brain that's hooked.

You know how people are like why don't people leave their abusers, that's why. I never understood it until I got out, now I do. Even now months down the line after everything that's happened a tiny part of me is still hooked but it's getting weaker as time goes by.

Your gut is saying run and your head is saying the opposite to your gut.

So in arguments it sometimes gets physical?
Woman up! Get out! Next time he might seriously injure you or worse.

Are you in the UK? It’s no good MN suggesting sources of help if you are not.

This response nails it.

Its a trauma bond - you are addicted to the highs because they feel SO good after the lows. It might be worth reading up on the cycle of abuse.

Almost everyone I know who has been in a toxic relationship has said the same thing, including me. “I’ve never had a connection like this before”, “its the best sex I’ve ever had”. It took me a full year to break free, I almost had a breakdown and I know even if I saw him now I’d be tempted to go back because the attraction feels that strong. It’s not real love, and it is damaging.

Please re read your own post.

He should never, ever harm you.

This is abuse and you need to leave. I have been there and it's so scary but you can do it

😡 You need to leave him.

You allow him to treat you in this APPALLING way because he's attractive?

Ive heard it all now

Why in gods name would you do this ?

The thing is that it isn't like this all the time because it doesn't need to be. He has controlled you into behaving 'properly' so you don't provoke him. If you started doing exactly what you wanted when you wanted it would be different. Please leave x