Is it healthy to let just overlook odd things that are said in relationships

[howcanthischange]

So my partner and I are going through a less good phase, I’m not worried over all we are strong and we are good together but I think we could accidentally break up over misunderstandings and overthinking little stuff so I am very guarded what I say now. I love him and want us to spend the rest of our lives together because the good times are good, but I think at present we have a lot going on, two sets of kids at Alevels/uni but who still need some parent support , parents to start worrying about, jobs aren’t always safe at our age and two houses to run.
I try to provide the kind of support I would want, but feeling like it’s wrong, I am generally laid back and happy to go with the flow, but I am feeling like there might be list list of every time I have not understood the stress or upset because I have been trying to stay positive,
So the problem is:
We were having a heart to heart and I said that I always tried to say the right thing but that if at anytime it wasn’t quite right that I hoped it could be looked as as said with the best intentions just missed the mark.
DP said that wasn’t healthy and it let’s grudges build up,
I think it’s two ways of thinking, and I’m doing it in a way that just lets things go (but may look like I don’t care about anything) and DP holds on to it.
but this is how I have always lived, to not do that and presumably raise every issue there was a vague possibility of finding offence would be exhausting, if I said something every time he made a joke that wasn’t funny, or that didn’t take into account how I felt because he didn’t understand how I felt at that moment, we would spend half the day discussing what’s insensitive and it would feel like a character assassination on both sides, a defence of ‘sorry I was just trying’ I don’t think will be acceptable, It seems that if I am trying to be encouraging about the new job and haven’t realised he is dwelling on the old job then I’m insensitive and it’s being stored for later. I’m feeling very stuck on what to say but saying nothing seems like I don’t care

Perhaps he’s causing a problem because the relationship isn’t as good from his side, and he’s trying to make a get out situation.

I'm really sorry to say it, but

I think we could accidentally break up over misunderstandings and overthinking little stuff

doesn't suggest a strong relationship.

It shouldn't be hard work. If there are a lot of misunderstandings / offence taken when it wasn't intended / having to bite your tongue or apologise when you aren't sure what you did wrong - then you're incompatible at best (or he is deliberately abusing or sabotaging at worst).

I am feeling like there might be list list of every time I have not understood the stress or upset because I have been trying to stay positive,
...
It seems that if I am trying to be encouraging about the new job and haven’t realised he is dwelling on the old job then I’m insensitive and it’s being stored for later.
Do you mean that you avoid talking about negative things and try to turn those conversations around to give them a positive twist? So he might be feeling sad about something bad that's affecting him, and your instinct is to cheer him up rather than commiserating with him?

You say you try to offer the kind of support you would want, but it seems from your post that it's not the kind of support your DP wants. Whilst I understand you want to feel appreciated for trying and for him to see that it's coming from a place of good intentions, perhaps he feels that you're asking him to have a specific reaction to it?

It can be frustrating when someone is trying to remain positive all the time. Are you sure it isn't sometimes slipping into toxic positivity, where he feels his thoughts and feelings aren't really being heard or considered? With this in mind, it doesn't seem particularly healthy to expect him to just let things go. Having said that, he has a responsibility to communicate if something is bothering him and to let you know what sort of support he needs.

There are people who genuinely give people the benefit of the doubt and MOVE ON but there are people who still hold on to little niggles, say nothing because they WANT to give the benefit of the doubt or they WANT to not make an issue of it but in ACTUALITY they could not move on and they still have it in the back of their mind. Such people need to iron bumps as they arise.

I don't think either is bad or unhealthy, Some people sweep under the carpet some people like to iron and deal either in the heat of the moment or later when calmed down.

I think what is healthy is understanding how your partner communicates and their needs and methods of experiencing and giving love and then compromising and adjusting from both partners to meet in the middle, some days you will be doing more and they will be doing less but next time roles will be reverse because life is not genuinely 50 50 all the time.

If you knew he prefers to clarify things so they don't mount up then this is who he is and how he is. I don't think either one of you will change at this point in life so I would either compromise and try to understand his point of view or call it a day.

I prefer calling things out there and then or when time is suitable and with time, of clearing things up it builds up a trust so that then I know from past examples and past discussions that it was well intended but if I don't know you well enough or something happened that shook my trust in you, I can't just give you the benefit of the doubt out of nothing or when past examples showed me the opposite of good intentions.
I suppose some people are more positive and trusting in general, I'm more suspicious and have a history in my relationships where people took advantage when I overlooked little things here and there it all mounted up or we both misunderstood and it led to a bad result, had we clarified things early or dealt with little niggles we would have had a stronger relationship.

What I don't get is that he says he wants to discuss comments you make to ensure that grudges don't build up, but you feel as if, when he discusses comments, he's building up a list of grudges.

You can be deemed uncaring if you are laid back and like to deal and then move on from things, I find. However, it depends on how you are handling the concerns and also the other person's handling of it too.

If someone has concerns and it's negative, covering or diverting with positivity is frustrating. Sometimes you need to discuss and see the negative in order to be able to move onto positive, rather than forcing that negative into a positive by ignoring the negative point of view.

Understanding that a person's negative viewpoint on a situation is valid, going through that negativity, even if you don't agree, and all scenarios they have allows them to process it and then perhaps see there are also positives.

However, in some circumstances some people like in my experience, which was a different kettle of fish, are not interested in the positives and only the negatives. In that scenario it didn't matter how understanding I was to their concerns, how long we discussed, what I said or how I said it was always turned around to further that negativity or create a new negative issue that ultimately became I was to blame for it all, even though it stemmed from something I didn't do.

So, it's hard to say but you need to figure out whether you are in fact being too laid back and perhaps glossing over everything into a positive light and moving on from it yourself, while they are still stuck on it. Or that they are out to maintain that negativity and you are damned whatever you do.