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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does a leopard change their spots...?

22 replies

missevolving · 10/08/2023 00:47

I'm 37, one child(6)from previous marriage. Been with partner 3 years. Found out a year into the relationship partner was using cocaine on his own regularly and racking up thousands of pounds of debt and lied to me about it all his family bailed him out. Swore he wudnt touch it again had used like he used to in the past and just got into a bad habit. His words. He went to drugs anon meetings etc said never touch it again swore to me. As I said I'm done if u do. He's brilliant with my child works hard we don't live together but had plans too soon. I unfortunately had a miscarriage a few months ago and I've had counselling etc but he's been acting distant snappy moody says it's just work he's tired etc

I now discovered this morning txts on his phone bragging to a mate when he works away he 'enjoys a massive bag' he doesn't no I no yet but I know it's over. As I will put my child first how ever much I love him and I wanted desperately another child. I know when I confront him he will lie etc or try to blame grief depression etc but he's lied too and prob owes money too. I'm just so devastated and hurt and upset no respect no care. Apart from this he's a good man. But
This isn't real love is it ? And he won't change will he. 😔

OP posts:

Morewineplease10 · 10/08/2023 01:37

No, he won't change. Probably can't.
You're very sensible to end it.
Your child deserves a father figure who isn't am an addict. This isn't something you can separate from the rest of him unfortunately.

The stakes are too high.

greenspaces4peace · 10/08/2023 01:54

he might mature more and maybe by 65-75 no longer use BUT do you want to wait that long and have to cover for money wasted?

Andthereyougo · 10/08/2023 03:03

Not only his drug use but lying to you. If he’ll lie about this what else would he lie about? IME addicts will lie and gaslight to hide their addiction and don’t change.

Weatherwax13 · 10/08/2023 04:08

I agree with @Andthereyougo also from personal experience.
Sorry OP, it's so tough and hurtful to be betrayed and lied to by the person who's meant to have your back.
Please don't do what I did and keep giving chances. You'll lose your sanity that way.

ZekeZeke · 10/08/2023 06:18

Please walk away for the sake of your child and don't get pregnant!
You have already wasted 3 years of your life with him.

RayofSunshine18 · 10/08/2023 10:32

People with addictive personalities need to find something to be addicted to. If its not the drugs it will move on to something else, unless he gets help and it doesn't sound like he wants to do that.

Put your child first and walk away from this man. Certainly do not have children with him.

Original poster

missevolving · 18/08/2023 02:33

So jus an update. He swore blind the messages were banter with a male friend in work and he's totally recovered from using cocaine so he feels he can joke about it now. And pointed out to me he even used the words like lol etc
In the txt messages.
I asked him if he had money and he said yes but felt that he didn't need to show me
His bank to prove to me that he has money. I've jus felt uncomfortable ever since and don't wanna be around him.

OP posts:

Ihadenough22 · 18/08/2023 03:49

I think that he is lying to you. He already got into thousands in debit due to cocaine and his family helped him out then. He went off it then and went for help.
My feeling is that you told him then if he went back on cocaine you would end your relationship. You had a miscarriage a few months ago as well.

So now he is back using again and lying to you. You already have a child. I think you know it time to end things between you.
He could end up in a lot of debt or end up with health issues either. You and your child deserve better than him.

tribpot · 18/08/2023 04:49

Since he went to Nar Anon, I'm sure he can point to where their advice says:

you can be 'totally recovered' in 2 years
it's fine to make jokes about using again.

Are you sure he ever even went? Either way, his words and actions are not those of someone genuinely in recovery from addiction. I know you don't want to but you need to trust your instincts. Protect yourself and your child.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 18/08/2023 05:08

I would not say that an addict can't stop forever, many, many do. But I would leave him. It's too risky with a child to consider and you already have him a second chance. I'm sorry. Loving addicts hurts.

LividHot · 18/08/2023 05:12

Ah mate noooo, you fell for his words again.

I know it’s easier said than done, I do. I divorced an addict. I get it.

But you have to break up with him. You have a child. He can “lol” all he likes, he’s a drug addict and he’s lying to you, and you will NEVER be able to trust him.

VioletPickles · 18/08/2023 05:16

He might be telling the truth? I think, if I loved him, I might give him the benefit of the doubt for one time only.

Christonskiis · 18/08/2023 08:15

I'll share my experience of a partner who used cannabis, which isn't even addictive I don't think (happy to be corrected though).

First date he told me he used to smoke it but had no interest. A few weeks later he said he had something to tell me and his last joint had been much more recent, he still had no interest. I visited family and he smoked while I was away and was honest about it. Then it happened regularly.

He pushed my boundaries with it and when I was on the verge of giving up for the umpteenth time, told me he would stop. I believed him. I found evidence of it in his house after he told me this but he said it was a friend and he didn't engage on that occasion.

The relationship ended and I still do not believe he ever stopped, if he did he is definitely back on it again.

So many more lies have come out, if they can lie about one thing they will most definitely lie about others and my advice is to get the fuck out.

Original poster

missevolving · 18/08/2023 09:11

He could be telling the truth yes @VioletPickles but I feel as though if u wanted to be completely transparent and open you would do anything to prove to them.
I've asked him for a break and be keeps asking me if I want to end it if so tell him now etc.
Which I get he's hurt but i it isn't fair on me.

Everytime he used to mention recently that we have the rest of our lives to spend together I just thought I can't imagine us togther
Forever.
Plus when ever he contacts me I'm
Getting like a sick feeling in my stomach too

OP posts:

Hermione101 · 18/08/2023 09:30

Whether or not he can change is irrelevant, your child (and you) deserve better than that kind of turmoil. I would never, ever bring that into my child's life.

twoandcooplease · 18/08/2023 11:11

This is your decision not his he has no right to rush you into telling him anything

If be ending things now tho. Do you have any close friends you can speak to that can help support you to be strong just now?

FartSock5000 · 18/08/2023 11:46

@missevolving you can buy a home drug testing kit online for less than a fiver. If you really want the truth, test him the next time you suspect he has used and you'll know for sure.

Original poster

missevolving · 18/08/2023 12:49

It my heart and soul I know I deserve more than this and it is constant distrust and turmoil I feel so iam ending it after some time apart. Atm he's pressuring me to just tell him if it's over or not completely and hasn't even given me a chance to work on my self and what I need x

OP posts:

Original poster

missevolving · 18/08/2023 12:50

And I won't be going down the drug testing route I've gone past caring to be honest
X

OP posts:

YoSof · 18/08/2023 12:55

So end it, and stop dragging it out.

You know he’s lying, or he’d have shown you his bank. You know this isn’t a normal relationship.

Original poster

missevolving · 19/08/2023 14:42

Thanks for all replies. Update. He came over last night to get some stuff of started asking me .. is there someone else ? I don't believe you really need time to work on your self and I'm not allowing you to do that n take a few weeks to do thst.
I get that but I said I'm not happy and I don't fully trust your word over the drugs . And I said I never ever will I don't think. He said I don't it's fair for him to be moving out even temporarily.
I have to live out if a bin bag at my mothers house now
Thrn he took every last bit of his stuff and demanded back the money I ow for the holiday £100 we had booked my last half and posted his key through the door

OP posts:

twoandcooplease · 19/08/2023 19:52

Thrn he took every last bit of his stuff and demanded back the money I ow for the holiday £100 we had booked my last half and posted his key through the door

Well @missevolving I bet you are glad you did this sooner rather than later!! What an arsehole manchild to react like that. Let him move back into his fucking mums how is that your problem!
He was just using you. I'm sorry. Xx

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