Has anyone successfully ‘worked on’ their marriage?

[Sunflowers88]

I’ve read a lot of threads on here about marriage/women not being happy with their DH and the advice usually seems to be to leave someone if they’re not making you happy. But I don’t want to leave my husband…I want to be happier with him (and the same for him).

Has anyone successfully worked on their marriage and improved it? Does going to couples therapy help if you’ve done it?

My mum unhelpfully sometimes makes jokey comments to me about us not staying together. I know it’s because she wants to see me happy but I do feel like it’s sort of planted a seed in my head??

I’m not sure what’s useful information to provide for advice. We both work FT, he is a high earner in high pressure job. He travels a lot for work. We have 2 3yo DC. I do resent the travel and work as it means I am solo a lot of the time and understandably the pressure of work and travel and kids takes it out of him. I am 35 and he is 42.

There’s very little fun or light heartedness between us. I have found this fun by socialising with friends a lot more. We seem to irritate each other/have different views on even the most minor things when we didn’t used to. We’re not big arguing types so it’s often low level bickering and atmospheres rather than shouting. But I’m sick of being unhappy in our marriage (assume he is too).

We have 2 lovely children and I know couples who are completely at odds in a much more demonstrable way than we are so I just want to do something to try and make things better!!

Sorry absolutely massive ramble there but any words of wisdom or similar experiences appreciated!!!!

Yes absolutely.

It depends on whether 1) you are both committed to your marriage; 2) you are both willing to communicate (either yourselves with agreed boundaries or a counsellor); 3) be willing to compromise and 4) accept that there will be bits that are not perfect, are quite hard sometimes - and not be resentful of that.

Personally I think if there is no abuse and you have kids then you have a duty to really try hard through tough patches. Not everyone gets a perfect partner as MN seems to expect, and every long term relationship will go through dry patches. Especially with young kids and tough jobs involved. It’s up to you whether you work through that or throw in the towel. Both options are hard. Personally, I’m so glad we worked through it and we have a good (not perfect) relationship now.

Yes, couples counselling definitely can work. The key things are that both partners want it to, and you're both otherwise mentally healthy.

Some couples end up going for years, but if you're not improving after a couple of months, find a different counsellor - it shouldn't take a long time.

Thank you, I really needed to hear that. I keep trying to remind myself that marriages are not easy when I feel drained by the fact we’re not making one another particularly happy. Or at all happy at times!

And there are no issues with the fundamentals…he is absolutely a good person. A great person.

Young kids and tough jobs do make it harder. I think we need to put more into our relationship, I know I am guilty of seeking what I’m missing through other outlets. Hobbies and friends as opposed to affairs I mean 😬

Yes I would try counselling but should you need to work at a marriage? Seems odd to me.

Long marriages go through peaks and troughs. It’s bloody hard with small children and work pressures to find time for each other but a big marriage killer is resentment. It builds and grows without honest communication until it can spill over into everything and become a big issue. Communication is the best start, total honesty but without blaming and shaming. Start with saying how you miss how it used to be between you and you still love him and want to have a happy and fulfilling marriage together. With effort you will find the time to do stuff together, even if it’s only small things like a takeaway and a bottle of wine in front of the telly when the kids are in bed, or more FaceTime calls when he’s away. You are probably right to assume that he feels the same way and would like both of you to be happier. Resentment festers in the dark but bringing it into the light and making changes together might make all the difference. I’m not a believer in what people say about having to work on relationships meaning that your relationship must be the wrong one.
All relationships require ‘work’ in that they must be given priority in each other’s lives, just as you were when you first married. So, after the children’s needs are met, the relationship must be prioritised next. The ‘work’ is just showing each other that you are each other’s priority and that you still matter to each other. It doesn’t have to be lavish evenings out or expensive gifts, just ensuring that your partner knows they are still a priority, still loved and needed and still desired. How did you achieve that when you were dating or in the early days? Little things matter. But talk it out honestly first, it is definitely worth it. In a long marriage over time people grow, people change, life changes enormously. Relationships change too but don’t let this be a fork in the road where your relationship goes the wrong way. Those gorgeous children will one day grow up and leave home. If that was going to happen tomorrow, it would just be you and him in your home together. What kind of marriage would that leave the two of you with? The longer you leave it the worse it will get. Resentment will turn into contempt and then it might be too late and the relationship might well be over. I think if you and he still care enough to worry about this and want to get your great relationship back on track, you can. Sometimes just admitting that work and kids are overtaking the relationship is all it needs as a wake up call. Good luck, a happy marriage and a happy family life is a wonderful, precious thing to have, well worth time and effort. Honesty without blame first. X

You should always work at your marriage. And it's not unusual to need help with it. It's the most important relationship you'll have and you own it to yourself and your partner, and kids if you have them to make it the best it can be.

And that's were a good counsellor can help - recognising the problems so you know where to put the effort, and telling you how to fix them.

Most people assume they know how to fix their own relationships, with absolutely no training.

To the OP, situations like yours often happen when communication isn't as effective as it could be - you're both trying to show you love each other, but in ways that aren't meaningful to the other - then you get into a downward spiral.

I think the phrase 'work on' can feel a bit heavy – but yes, DP and I talk about and find ways to make our relationship better all the time.

For us it's about being open about our needs and wants, and looking for small things to do to meet those needs and desires.

Esther Perel talks about the idea that 'every complaint is a wish in disguise', and if I look at what you've said through that lens, it seems like you love your husband, you miss him, and you want to find ways to enjoy him more than you currently get to.

I'd imagine that would be a lovely thing for him to hear – and something you could both get creative in finding ways to address it. I'd guess he'd like to enjoy you too, and to be able to let off some of that pressure he's been feeling, just like you...

Would it be something you'd feel OK to share with him in those terms? "I love you, I miss you, I want to find a way for us to have more fun together because I love you – is there something small we can put in place to do that?"

So back to the phrase 'working on' your marriage - it might not be about 'work' - it might be more about 'play'.

Thanks everyone. These are all extremely helpful and constructive comments!

I think when it comes down to it, it’s the communication thing. We need to try and be open and have an honest conversation about it rather than keep ignoring it. It’s easy to ignore it when you don’t have blazing rows. Neither of us are good at admitting flaws or things we could do better (I’d argue he is worse than me for this 🤪) so perhaps a bottle of wine and trying to position things in a more positive light os the way to go…

Thanks everyone again for taking the time to comment 🤩