Handhold please, asked DV husband to go

[TerribleScene]

I'm here with the kids waiting for him to leave.

So not do!

I would tend to agree. Don't be fooled by promises to change. His behaviour will improve until he reels you back in.

At this point he seems to be doing what is needed. Getting alcohol support and talking to GP and Respect organisation. Has told his friends and family what happened etc, and not in a way that minimises it.

At this point even if I could see in to the future and know if he could change, I don't know if I would be able to trust him even if he did. And I don't know if my children would be able to trust him, or feel safe around him, either. Which is my main guiding thought.

He didn't hit me but was acting very erratic, drunk, aggressive and made some very scary comments which I had to take seriously as his anger had been keeping me on edge for a few weeks.

He has also crossed sexual boundaries with me and also his previous long-term partner.

In order to change he needs to treat his alcoholism and abusive mindset.

Right now I just need to get my mind thinking rationally - I'm coming out of shock now, but still not ready to think about next steps beyond staying elsewhere right now. I've not stayed home even though I asked him to leave.

You have done the right thing, well done. I would start to get yourself used to the idea that it is over.

Even IF (and it's a very big if) he received the necessary professional help and support, and really worked through it, and completely changed his personality - it wouldn't change the facts of what he's done to you. It wouldn't alter the fact that you had to leave him for him to make any effort to change. It would change the fact that your children are frightened of him and won't ever fully trust him.

And that's if he managed to change (and not temporary change, the type that lasts a few weeks, just long enough to reel you back in, then they go back to their old ways).

If he really wanted to change, he'd have made efforts before now. He wouldn't have treated you as he did. He wouldn't have frightened your children.

There is a really good chance that his attempts won't succeed. And that's all on him. Don't let him guilt-trip you and make your feel responsible (I had all the 'if you were more supportive I'd be a better person'; 'my counsellor says you should be more trusting of me'; 'if you let me move back in I'd recover faster' nonsense). No, he gets himself better, and on his own time, under his own steam.

If in 3 or 4 years from now he's a sustained, reformed character, a thoroughly decent human being, then you might be able to have a positive relationship with him. There's a decent change he'll expect to go to 3 therpay sessions and read a chapter from one book and think you should forigve him and move on.

Please stay away from him, and make it permanent, for your sake and mostly your children's.

Hello I’m on the other side of this - ex was found guilty of assaulting me this morning. I left in May with DC1 and DC3 it’s been really hard but today we all watched shrek and had a dance and a big cuddle and I’m SO glad he’s far far away from us
how was your relationship leading up to this incident, was it feeling bad anyway? If so one day you will be relieved that it all came to a head. I am x

@perfectcolourfound at the moment it is way too soon for me to think about my marriage etc as the idea of that being ruined is too heartbreaking.

I can only focus on keeping us safe and getting through today, and trusting myself to keep doing that and putting my children first.

Handholding here. You have been so brave, well done. Have you called womens aid yet? Or emailed them?

This is the right thing for you and your DC. It will get easier. Be kind to yourself. We are here for you

I couldn't seem to see a phone number on women's aid, I did call the national DV hotline and they basically advised me to go to a refuge, which I didn't need to do as my friend is letting me stay at her place while she is away.

Are you frightened to go to your own home in case he shows up?

First, remember everything you’re feeling is totally normal. Horrible, but normal. Every stress hormone your body can produce is on high alert right now. It will pass, you will feel better. There are stages you go through, very much like bereavement, so don’t be shocked if you feel angry, resentful etc…

As long as you and your children are safe you don’t have to make any decisions immediately for your future. You don’t have to even consider reconciliation, permanent separation, anything now. You take each hour as it comes and if you feel panic rising ( again, totally normal) tell yourself that in this minute you are safe, your dc are safe, nothing bad is happening.

This will pass, I promise. I’ve been where you are , life got a lot better.

I think this is my approach right now.

I know it is statistically unlikely that he will reform. And if he does, who knows if or when or in what form the girls would want to see him.

In a way it doesn't matter right now as there is nothing to be done from my side for a while, apart from sorting practical things with the kids and childcare etc.

Crossing all the bridges when they come.

Pretty much. The thing is, I genuinely don't think he would break in and hurt us. But because of the trauma of his erratic behaviour the other night, and horror of me having to run away with the kids, my mind just doesn't know what to think about anything.

I can't imagine how you are feeling. I would suggest as others have said to not think any further ahead than you need to right now. Are your children ok?

My children are okay I think, they are very small, were upset with dad but now miss dad.

I really miss him, too. Just keep having such intense mood swings. It's a total mindfuck.

Hi OP how are you today? Feeling any better?

@bookworm44 I am as okay as can be I think. We are back at home, DH is staying elsewhere.

DH is admitting to everything, seeking treatment and says he had a breakdown and wants to make it right.

So many things to think through with marriage, father/child relationship etc.

Just getting through the day each day at this stage.

He's saying all the right things. If you are thinking of giving him another chance please don't jump into anything lightly. Make sure he has actually received therapy/counselling first. People don't change overnight.

@bookworm44 yes, I agree with you. I spoke to some family advice line which helped me think about how to approach things (mainly child contact/supporting the children).

He has his first appointment for therapy booked, and is sober so far.

If nothing else I hope this bodes well for my children.

I think it all sounds very positive. I think you should feel very proud of yourself for dealing with it all. I cannot imagine how hard it's been for you. I hope you're feeling better & less anxious.