How do I start to live my life separately?

[babybird123]

Divorce just doesn't seem like an option at the moment. He would not agree to sell the house and I can't afford to find somewhere else to live.
How do I start to build up my own life with my children, doing as little as possible with him? I've asked him time and time again to ensure that any arguments or disagreements we have are not in front of the kids. He genuinely does not seem to have a problem with this and even said it's demonstrating arguments to them. It's actually demonstrating disrespect to their mother and a damaged relationship. Eventually he agreed he'd try but as he disagrees with me so often, it would be hard. I've decided that any time he is disrespectful towards me, I will point it out and leave the room.
He has £5k in savings and I have none so I feel financially vulnerable. He says I have to put more into our joint account to contribute more to bills as I have a new job (trying to be more independent) but I've said that I won't be able to put more into the pot until I have savings equal to his.
I seriously don't know why he's with me. I think it's easier for him as I clean and look after the children. I'd love to shake things up and divorce him but I don't even know where to start.

The question is why are you living with him.

What you are describing is a seriously dysfunctional home life for children. It needs to change and the only outcome I can see that is viable is to live apart and parent separately.

The reasons you give for not doing this don’t hold up. It’s not his choice over whether the house is sold or even if he gets to stay in it. He can huff and puff about it but legally he can’t force you to be together in this way. That’s not how the world works.

Obviously I don’t know your actual financial situation but you should be entitled to additional benefits and child support. At the very least you need to properly assess the viability of separation taking account of that additional income and various housing costs. It may be possible for you and the children to stay in the family home for a bit whilst you build up your financial stability.

I think you should consider and anticipate what his retaliation will be when you refuse to contribute to the joint account. There will be one and it will probably add to the dysfunction. Which is why living together won’t work.

Thank you for replying. I'm living with him because we're married and I don't have anywhere else to live. I physically don't know how to change my situation.
Step 1: tell DH I want a divorce.
Step 2: ?

you go and see a solicitor and find out your options.
This is a very bad environment to bring children up in so do it for them if not yourself
Stop doing anything for him

Solicitor, you may well be able to force the sale of the house.

You can force a house sale.
You can divorce him.
He will not suddenly help you do either of these things. He will be obstructive and abusivo because this is who he is. It will be really really hard and he will do everything he can to block you. But he can’t refuse to sell the house and he cannot refuse to divorce you. You are in control more than you think.

Save, take legal advice, then serve him papers. Don’t discuss it, he’s not listening anyway.

Get your real friends and family to help you. This man is not your friend.

Step1 A solicitor with divorce speciality.
Step2 Act on what you learn in Step 1. Often women will try to soften things which at first seem harsh. Man will take advantage of any weakness you show.

Step 1 - solicitor
Step 2 - house goes on the market
Step 3 - you both move out using the proceeds of sale to finance renting or buying plus the rest of the financial settlement.

Sometimes one person moves out but often people have to continue to cohabit until the sale. We certainly would as our outgoings wouldn’t enable either party to rent as well as pay the mortgage.

Thank you for all of your advice...!
What if he refuses to put the house on the market? He loves this house.

We're also on a 5 year fixed rate mortgage so how does that factor in?

Practical advice here. https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/find-information/managing-separation/steps-when-separating/

https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/divorce/

Also have a look at divorce board on here and pinned to top is this https://www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/separation-divorce-and-dissolution-civil-partnerships

Hi can i ask a question, i am about to apply to the courts with Form E as my ex won't do anything. He is only allowed to email me as there is a non mol in place but he will not negotiate divorce terms. Can i apply to court without going to any mediation? If i have to have mediation will they come back and tell me or do i just go ahead now and sort out one session?
(I am planning to self represent in court as i can't afford a solicitor).

Can he afford to buy you out? Do you know his income? If so you can do an affordability calculator online to see if he can borrow enough to buy you out. There will be penalties on most (99%) of 5 year fixed rates. If he cannot take the mortgage over or port it to his new house you will pay the early repayment charge. This is clearly detailed in your mortgage offer (when you bought the house).

If 4.45 x income is nowhere near your mortgage amount plus your half (minimum) of the equity then it’s not going to happen. Ie 50k x 4.45 = 222500. If mortgage is 300 it’s not likely to happen unless rich family help him out. You can port and reduce your mortgage and pay a partial early repayment charge. Did you have a broker (not someone in a bank)? If so ring them, explain your situation and see what they say. Or ask a friend for a recommendation, most brokers would not charge at that stage.

He may love the house but he doesn’t love it enough to think if he treats his wife like shit he will lose the house. Therefore he doesn’t love the house enough.

You can force a sale. But you need a solicitor. You need legal advice.
Get info of all pensions, savings, investments, mortgage etc. You will need them. He cannot refuse to split up (assuming you are in the UK).

Hi if you go to legal or relationships and start your own thread you will get lots of advice from people. It will attract the right people if you pop ‘Self Representing in court and abusive ex’ in the title. I wish you well.

Thanks so much. Will do.