Marriage is in trouble

[pinkjasmine84]

Myself and my husband are having issues. For me it's pretty much I feel my hormones are all over the place, I'm really struggling and have been for a while. I'm 38. Apparently I'm horrible to be around, I'm so negative.

Last night my husband was working on a few late night emails and I was doing the online shop. He asked me to do something and when I said I was doing the shop online and it needed to be checked out by x time he goes it won't take you two minutes. Yes it was a petty argument but it was the one that tipped me where I said here you go again undermining the jobs I do in the house over yours ect. It then escalated to the point where he said I'm horrible to be around lately, he's not sure of our marriage ect. I told him I'm struggling with the mental load of everything, getting the kids ready for school, trying to meal plan every week on a budget whilst work part time too.

My husband does help around the house and does his share with childcare but he has a hobby which he is so focused on and is dedicated to it and makes plans for the hobby and I said I wish he put 1/2 the effort he does with the hobby into our marriage asking him when was the last time he planned something nice for us.

The final straw is were due to get work done on the house in a few weeks which I've been stressed over as he hasn't had any input into helping with designs as he said he doesn't care. He's now cancelled it after us been on the waiting list for almost a year as he doesn't want to waste the money when our marriage is so uncertain.

I could have written this last year, only I'm the husband in this situation. My wife (OP's age too) has thyroid imbalances, which can cause her to be incredibly snappy and vicious (whereas I've never even raised my voice) -maybe one to check out OP?. We both work, and we both do our fair share. I also have a hobby, and I'll be honest, it's 50% because I love it, but also 50% as an escape. I need the time, and this is true for her being out for the day with friends... I NEED that time, so my blood pressure isn't skyrocketing from being on tenterhooks.
I love her for the person she can be, and is occasionally. I know that most of the time she snaps, it is just imbalances... really basic questions like what she wants for dinner (I do the cooking)- if I ask, I get an "I don't know, stop asking!" but if I cook and it's not what she feels like, she won't eat half because she doesn't feel like what I've made... Even when I call her from the supermarket so I can cater to her, same result.

My response as the recipient is that it's all about balance. He may think you're negative all the time, and you very well may be... but that one hug... that one acknowledgement of you being a pain (if in retrospect, you realise you have been!), that sign that the person he fell in love with is not lost behind day to day stresses... it makes all the difference.

It obviously goes both ways... Before long, he's an arse because he expects you to be snappy, and you're snappy because you expect him to be an arse. I'm not perfect either.

Book an afternoon tea or something... just the two of you. That escape from 'life' can make all the difference.

It seems a bit bizarre for your husband to go from you not doing something for him straightaway, and you having a moan about struggling and making what I think is a justified point, and then him declaring the marriage is on the rocks.

I was in a marriage where I was expected to stop whatever I was doing, but if I asked my ex to do something, I always had to wait. Ie his time was more important.

You sound as if you are becoming resentful over the unequal physical and mental load, while he has time and energy for his hobby.

You mention your hormones are all over the place but don’t say how this manifests. Irregular periods, spots, low mood?

When some people argue, they say what they feel is the truth, others just want to win and will say whatever they think will get the upper hand. I learned the hard way that my ex was in the second group.

He says you are horrible to be around. Is he saying this is new behaviour? If so he should be as interested as you in finding the cause. It might be hormone/health related, or may be because you are unhappy due to unfairness in the marriage?

I would have though a caring partner would want to discuss if you tell them you are struggling, they should be asking why you feel that way, instead of just saying you are horrible.

Perhaps go and see the doctor in case there is another reason for your low mood.

In the meantime, I’d suggest start journaling. Keep a diary of your feelings and emotions, as well as what you have done in the house/kids etc and what your husband has done.

It could be that when you are feeling upbeat, you read what you have written and see that it’s all a mountain out of a molehill. Or that you are completely justified in being ‘horrible’. This diary could become the basis to divide out chores more fairly in the future.

Or you could do therapy as I did where I realised my husband had been 100% bullshitting me to so he could have the easy life.

Ref the decorator. It’s a bit high handed of him to just cancel. Even if he believes the marriage is rocky, he should still have allowed you to be part of the discussion before cancelling.

Can you contact the builder to ask if he can refit you in in say three months time? He might say no, but it’s worth asking.

@Isheabastard he has been saying this to me for a few weeks but always during an argument. I tried to discuss how I was feeling regarding the resentment aspect and he said you get more free time than anyone else I know. (I have to travel with work twice a month for a night) he travels too for work. I spoke to him about the hormonal aspect of how I was feeling and all I got back was how it was all bull shit or if I really felt that way I would be going to the doctor. I don't get periods from one month to the next, my boobs are sore a few weeks before I do get a period which they weren't before, I have brain fog whereas before I used to think I was quiet sharp now I can barely remember what I went upstairs to do.

To top it all off he text me saying he's heading away with work for a night last minute and won't be back until tomorrow (conveniently for his own hobby) there has been no mention of our children just the fact he's gone and I have no say in the matter despite the fact Wednesday night is my night to do what I like

He sounds really shitty and uncaring, and I’d be upset if it was me.

Brain fog is awful because it makes everything much harder and sometimes it’s all you can do to get through the day in survival mode.

I think you should get to your GP as soon as you can. Your husband won’t take your health seriously if you aren’t doing anything about it.

I know it’s a faff getting an appointment, and when you get there you worry the GP will just fob you off. But you need to make this your no 1 priority. Your symptoms certainly sound as if your hormones are out of kilter. I know from having been through the menopause how hormones can literally give you a personality change.

My mother used to say you have to go to the doctors three times for the same thing before they take you seriously. I don’t know if that true. But keep persevering. Get blood work and all the usual.

a symptom of low mood is when nothing seems worth the effort, ie not going to the doctors.

I ended up on antidepressants. In truth my marriage was crap, but it helped me put up with my husband. Not sure if that was a good thing really, it meant I didn’t leave until my child had left home. I’m still in the middle of divorcing.

Once you feel better in yourself you will have more clarity on dealing with the issues in your relationship

Im not saying that there will be a magic pill out there and everything will be rosy. And even if you are a bit crabby, your husband’s behaviour sounds totally selfish, and you don’t deserve that.

Best of luck.

@Isheabastard thank you for taking the time to post and for you're very kind words. I will definitely make an appointment with my gp I think if I say in the office now I'd possibly just cry and not stop.

I completely hear you regarding him not taking me seriously until I go as I had an issue with him last year and I gave him an ultimatum to go to the doctor he had two weeks or I'd speak to his family as I couldn't take him seriously until he admitted there was an issue.

I wish the very best. Let me know how things go.