Unresolved conflict with DH

[Coffeedrinker34]

NC for this...also, he's actually my fiance but I will type DH for ease.

I'm looking for a way forward after a row. Three days ago, DH made a couple of throwaway comments which slightly bothered me, but were not worth addressing at this time, so I just let it slide. Two days ago, I felt that I had a normal conversation about him about security in our house - I'm more on the anxious side and wanted a better lock and maybe a camera - whereas he can't be bothered about such things. Fine, for me that's just different opinions. But DH is not good at discussing something (he has a suspected learning disability) so he tends to just go quiet on me in such situations. I can find this going quiet quite upsetting...but I let it slide again because it was late and we were in bed again.

Then, the next day, we have dinner and talk about something on the news, and he says 'oh, don't be ridiculous' when I say my opinion. Again, that alone might not be the end of the world, but in the context of the two other comments and him going quiet on me in a normal discussion, I had enough and told him that I'm bothered by this comment as well as the two previous ones and him going quiet the day before when we talked about security in our home.

He said that I am twisting his words (I'm not), that the comments were said differently, and that going quiet is his way of coping when a discussion gets too much. I should respect this because he isn't insulting, he just retreats to a peaceful place for him.

What's upsetting me most was that he also said that I was looking for a fight with him (why would I be, I really hate conflict and he knows that) and that he knows this to be true because I had a 'list' of things ready (the previous situations) which obviously were not an issue because I hadn't said anything back then. I told him that they did bother me back then, but that I tried to let it slide for the sake of harmony, but it got too much, so I wanted to let him know how it makes me feel. I am upset that he doesn't even believe me when I tell him what bothers me, he makes it easy to dismiss my feelings by saying that I am just looking for a fight.

That was the end of that, he went to bed. He did offer hugs when we were in bed, but I was hurt and turned the other side. Yesterday when he came home from work, he pretended that everything was fine - that's what he usually does the next day, its like a fight never has happened - and moves on. I find it difficult to just go back to normal because I am still hurt, but I know that starting the topic again won't lead to a good outcome, in his eyes this will be another 'everything is fine, why do you want to have another fight?' I didn't say anything to him about the fight, but I gave him the cold shoulder yesterday and went to bed early.

I'd love to just have a cosy evening with him tonight but I'm a person that needs some sort of resolve before moving on. I would like to explain calmly what has hurt me, I want him to see my side of things and possibly apologise for accusing me of wanting to fight and twisting his words because these were not true, and then we can move on, even if we agree to disagree. But none of these will happen, I can either have another fight with him tonight if I choose to address how I (still) feel about two days ago, or I can pretend everything is fine.
Thanks for reading this far!

It sounds like you both have real issues communicating with each other. I would definitely look to resolve this before getting married. This petty/huffy behaviour will only get worse. If he is unable to have an adult conversation about an argument in order to resolve it, I would be questioning your relationship. Unresolved arguments, even small ones, lead to long term bitterness.

Thanks for replying @anotherdisaster Yes, that's spot on. I think our issue is that he is the kind of person who just wants to move on after an argument rather than dwelling on it and it's not really important to him who's right or wrong, whereas I need to talk something through and find some sort of 'solution' in order to close the chapter. I haven't found a way yet to navigate this.

I had this with my DH early on in the relationship (I am you!). I think that what has helped us rather than framing on what was right/wrong we now frame it as what will we do different next time - so focusing on the future rather than what happened. We still don't have it all perfect, but this has really helped in improving our communication around such issues. They are all tiny independently but come together to be something much bigger.

Its impossible to navigate if he won't engage on it. You will have to sit him down and emphasis the importance of sorting out issues going forward.

This.

Getting married and having a family with someone like this would be a huge mistake.

How long are you together?

If this stonewalling and DARVO behaviour is how he deals with conflict, then NOTHING will ever be resolved between you.

Huge resentment will grow as your ove fades.

This is such a big issue but he would need to want to find away forward to resolve it with you.

If he refuses then you need to decide about the future you want.

Also it sounds as if you will possibly shoulder a lot of the mental load in this relationship if he withdraws at a conversation as simple as increasing house security.

Is this really what you want?

Carrying the whole mental load is a huge weight, especially if it involves children.

It's not that be doesn't want to argue, he's quite happy to ramp up the emotions with accusations. He just wants you to shut up and for you to not have feelings or needs. If I'm bothered about something my husband cares enough to sort it out with me. Your partners inability to do emotional adulting will slowly kill your good will. Of course it will. Problem is you can't get past his ego which needs to be above you so any attempt to deal with it will be turned on you each and every time. You have a choice. You ignore the pattern you are seeing and you ignore what it means about his character or you end the relationship. There is no third choice.

OP, speaking from experience, this will only get worse if not dealt with before you get married. Let him know clearly that you have concerns and that you need to see that he can communicate effectively or you won’t be able to go ahead with the wedding.

Honestly, I gave my DH far too much time to grow/change/blatantly ignore me! We have been on such a rollercoaster.
The longer you’re together the more issues you will have to face together, and if he can’t do that effectively you will forever feel frustrated, unheard and in the end unloved. It breeds resentment.
My DH and I started counselling, which has also had its ups and downs. I’ve seen some little improvements but often he will revert back to type.

I think you should get couples therapy to agree ways of dealing with disagreement. The yoga couple on insta are good one to follow too they discuss this issue about one going quiet and avoiding while one needs reassurance and talking about it.

Watching this with interest as I’m with a partner who also struggles with conflict and then its resolution. Ive been looking at attachment styles which are interesting and the yoga couple mentioned above. I know my partner gets very anxious around talking, and need to get to the bottom of why, because aside from this we work well. But conflict is ALWAYS going to arise. Ultimately I guess you need to decide if this is something you can live with if it doesn't change…

Sounds like he is trying to mould you into a little silent behaved wifie, who is good enough to cook, clean, have babies with, but not good enough to have an informed adult opinion.

Men like this don't want a good little wife to challenge their clearly godlike intellectual superior status.

Personally I would bring the conflict on he could jog on if he thought he could shutdown my opinions or thoughts on a subject. You are just as likely to be as, or more informed than him

I couldn't marry a man like this. A potential lifetime of being shutdown, not seeing able to address anything, no conflict resolved. Well unless he wants to.

If nothing else it's fucking dull as dishwater.

My ex was exactly like this.
Please don't make excuses for him, this isn't some sort of learning disability it's just him being a c**t to be quite honest with you.

I did Gottman method with my ex, and did it change? No it didn't. It's lack of respect pure and simple and if it continues then unfortunately the best thing to do is move on which is what I did with my fiance before he could get anymore control over my life and make it anymore miserable.

Yes I miss him, but at the same time my life is happier as a result and I am no longer dreading speaking to him because I am anticipating another round of being gaslit, having MY words twisted, being dismissed and being direspected.

F'k that.

Our situation sounds similar indeed @KomodoDodo. Have you found any communication strategies that worked?

Well, yesterday he did approach me and offered to talk about the issue, but he refuses to take any responsibility. It was more of shifting the blame to me and asking me if I can finally stop being annoyed with him so that we can have a nice evening together. I tried to talk about how we can communicate better in future instead of reviving this conflict, but the problem is that he just says he doesn't want me to change anything and no one should try to change their partner (which, of course, is him ducking out of a conversation again because talking about how we can communicate better has nothing to do with wanting to change each other...I did tell him that).

I totally get all those who suggest to reconsider my relationship, and I seriously do at this point. It's a shame because there are many good things in our relationship but I feel that the lack of communicating efficiently is unfortunately a big thing that only gets bigger now that we're together for a few years and the honeymoon phase is over. I think I will suggest couples counseling to work on our communication, but if he refuses or this doesn't help, then I think I might have to end it. Thanks for the perspective!

Ugh, lady I could have been writing this myself.

The thing is that you shouldn't do something just because people on the internet said so, but what I will tell you is that I went around and around with this stuff, it really bothered me that my ex didn't take responsibility and I just could not settle with the idea that things were my fault and nothing to do with him and that he "just wanted to have a quiet life without fights" and if it wasn't for me then he would.

The unseen issue here is that eventually, you start to wonder about yourself, question yourself, blame yourself and gaslight yourself over your own behaviour and whilst a certain amount of health reflection is good, people like this will have you fully believing that all of it is your fault. It seemed inconceivable to me that he would ever want to put me in that position, and I genuinely felt like I was causing a problem by just being so "disagreeable".

I eventually left though because it was really his way or the highway, he genuinely could not take responsibility for anything and play fair and there was something that came up that was so very clearly not possible for me to concede on that I simply packed my bags and left.

It's about respect, and people like this will have you believing you are the issue and they will disrespect your feelings, boundaries and viewpoints to the point they may even tell you that you're "viewing it wrong" or that you're "crazy". If that starts happening then my advice is exit, not because i'm a randomer on the internet and it's the only answer I can think of, but because it does massive massive damage to your self esteem and mental health dealing with this for years and just being unable to talk to your partner without them making you the issue. It creeps up on you and you don't even realise it.

I hope that you can resolve it with him I really do, but for me it seemed like a "communication issue" at first, and I tried to change myself, and over time I realised it was a terminal issue with his attitude towards respecting my feelings/views and it wouldn't change and it wasn't just a "communication issue".

Would he be receptive to trying to sort things out in writing, where you both have time to consider and no danger of blurting out things that might make it worse (that could just be me).

At the moment your main problem is not anything that's happened, it's that you store things up and need resolution, whereas he tries to forget them and move on. So my suggestion above is my attempt to get to a resolution in a low key way which takes some of the face to face emotion out of it.

I think couples counselling would really benefit you. Different communication styles should be a piece of cake for a good counsellor to sort out, and it will be absolutely worth it for the long term impact on your relationship.

If he doesn't like the idea of counselling, you could suggest a marriage course instead - I think it's a great idea for all engaged couples to attend one.

Don't worry OP, this sounds fixable to me.

It's fixable if he WANTS to fix it, but trust me if someone is blame shifting and refusing to take responsibility and doesn't want to change those things or recognise them... no, no it is not.

It seems to me that he has offered reconciliation a number of times but you want it only on your terms. Life’s too short for petty victories.

Thank you, wise words! A lot of this resonates with me.

I had this kind of relationship with my bays father . Me saying 'I'm really upset still about what you said at the weekend' (like you are saying you are wanting to do tonight) prompted him to walk out on me and not come back, no joke, look at my user name. I would really recommend couples therapy as that can help you work out if it's total incompatibility or if there is hope there. You don't deserve to live a life where you can't voice your feelings and you have to pretend you're on when you're not though op. My ex made me feel like you did in your op- I could have written that at the time tbh x

But do you actually see change ‘next time’ ? @Mynameishi

@Arthriticmiddlefinger Yes we do! It is not 1 conversation but many (have been married nearly 10 years now, and dated for 8 before getting married). The issue is whether he wants to change or not. If he does, there is change.

@Mynameishi should really start my own thread but am sort of in a situation where I can’t believe the person who I’ve known won’t change behaviour around something which shouldn’t be difficult and a compromise should be easy to reach. Won’t deal with their anxiety and just let it rip on the people who they supposedly love. I don’t understand because it’s so out of character in many ways with who they otherwise have shown themselves to be for the last 5 years