How to make the health visitor aware I need help

[StillThinkOfUZac]

Hes just grabbed my phone from under my pillow, while I've been asleep and decided to go through it to check if I've been speaking to his sister. I confide in her when things get really bad. I dont really have my own family around.

He has been overly hostile toward me this past week, more so than usual. This week last year his 18 year old cousin died. I understand its grief but hes been taking out his crap on me. He didnt even like the cousin but still makes the 300 mile trip to the grave. He has just been so exceptionally vile to me around the children, swearing and throwing things at me. I understand grief but hes using this as an excuse to not take responsibility for anything. Hes told me not to ask him of anything this week and that he just want to be by himself and i should take the kids and go and stayover at a friends for the week.

I'm just bursting with sadness and misery at what my life is. My hands start shaking when hes near me or whenever he raises his voice, I feel like I cant breath because my heart is beating so fast.

I have an appointment with the health visitor today, how do I tell her I need help without saying it? I cant bear to bring myself to say it. For years hes told me not to open my mouth and tell people about our private lives. I just feel like the words wont come out of my mouth.

What else can I say that will make the health visitor aware I need help

Just tell her, "I'm in an abusive relationship and I don't know what to do."

You are not the first and you certainly won't be the last. Your health visitor will have seen this many times before.

Remember that you have been "conditioned" to put up with his behaviour. I know it's hard to admit, but tell the health visitor that you are scared of him.

If it's too hard to say. Write it down on a piece of paper and give it to her.

Deep breath - this is the first step towards a better future.

Show her this thread.

I wish you the best of luck, Op.

He sounds horrendous, well done for deciding to tell the HV. I get in situations where I can’t get words out sometimes, and if I know I’m going to have a difficult conversation I’ll think of something to write down on a piece of paper to pass over to sort of kick-start the conversation and make it clear what I need to talk about.

Could you write down “my husband scares me, please help” and pass it to her?

Really hope she comes through for you OP, good luck

If you can’t speak for you, speak for your children. They’re in this too.

One option would be to show her this post on your phone. You’ve laid it out so well here. Say “I need to show you this thread I started on Mumsnet” so she’s clear it’s yours. But if you can’t say that, can’t get the words out, and the HV is reading my post, perhaps they can just ask you if it’s you, and all you’d have to do is nod.

It’s so important - for you and also for your children - that you get yourself out of this situation.

Write it down and hand it to her if you feel like you can't bring yourself to say it outloud.

Just hand her your phone and let her read this, OP. Health professionals are used to people finding it hard to speak to them and she won't mind at all how you do it. Well done, you don't deserve to be treated like this.

I agree with writing it down or showing her this thread if you can't say it (is he present during the meetings - is this why you can't talk?)

I'm so sorry you're going through this - you and your kids don't deserve to live like this 😔 💔

Good luck op. My heart goes out to you. Show her your phone and be amazingly proud of your courage.

Oh you poor thing. Have you posted about him before? I seem to recall a similar thread with someone's partner travelling miles to a cousin's grave even though they didn't particularly like them. Apologies if that isn't you

Yes, write it down.

Firstly, you won't have to actually say the words out loud and secondly, you can tell her everything you need to - speak more freely - than you would if you were trying to get it all out verbally.

She will help you. Good luck x

You are so brave. Show her this. You won't feel like this forever I promise

Do you have anyone like a mum who cares about you? They may be able to help. I appreciate not everyone does.

Might it be easier to speak to your GP?

I hope you've been able to communicate with her OP. I'm sure you know but just wanted to say you absolutely must make sure you sign out of your mn account when you're around him, for safety. You don't want him to find this thread.

Thinking of you op. When is she due to visit? X

Yes sign out each time and delete internet history (on iphone, its the book icon along the bottom, click the time icon and clear today)/turn alerts off/turn alerts to email off too under settings

It will take all your strength but I hope you can tell her, my health visitor was amazing she knew something was up with me - had pnd but she was gentle and just kept in touch and made sure I knew she was there if I needed her. I hope you have someone like her op.

perhaps woman’s aid? Might be easier on the phone? I hope you find a way to escape this man op you sound so very sad, you and your kids deserve peace and happiness
sending strength

Really hope you’re ok OP and have managed to get this out into the open. I always try to ask women if they feel safe in their relationships but this is a good reminder not to gloss over it, so thank you.

op how did u get on, has she been? xx

Can you say something that feels less scary to you, like “I don’t always feel safe at home” or “I feel upset in my relationship” or “I’m worried about baby’s home life and need support”.

These should all ignite a deeper conversation but are things that I would find easier to say than, for example, “abusive relationship” which can feel quite big and scary.

Sweetheart tell her
and also call womens aid

they will help and kick start the process
as kids are involved he cannot do this

sending all strength your way

When she called us in I couldn't look her in the eye. I began undressing baby and as she was asking me questions I could feel my eyes tearing I wiped the tears discreetly, but they kept running and she noticed, she gave me a tissue asked if I was ok, i nodded and she carried on with baby. After she did babys weight and book. She asked me again, I couldn't get the words out, i looked away and told her I feel overwhelmed and alone, i feel like I cant do anything right. She asked if I'd spoken to the GP, I said I dont think it's me, I dont think theres anything wrong with my head, I think I'm made to feel like I'm losing it, she asked me who by, I said OH. She wrote things I'm her note pad and told me she would get my usual H.V to call me as she was a student h.v.

I called an old family friend later in the afternoon and I just told her everything, all the years of crap I told her. I dont know why, but it just kept coming out of my mouth. The more I said the more that kept coming out of my mouth. We spoke for about 45mins and I felt that little lighter

So sorry you're in this hard place, OP. You sound like a smart and brave person who has just been held down and terribly isolated. I think you do have it in yourself to get into a better place, even if it's small steps to begin with.

I'm so pleased you managed to let it all out ♥️ now that other people know, you'll be able to get some support in real life.

Do post on here as well, if you feel it might help. Sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers 😊

Op next step is to call womens aid pls darling

just call them ok