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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

little toxic behaviours

17 replies

passport23 · 09/08/2023 00:10

I wonder what do you think... my DP is a very dominant character and I am muted in our relationship. He made an animated comment that my alarm clock set up for 6:40 really annoys him as his is set up for 6:45 and that 5 minutes makes a huge difference to him. I had to align my alarm clock with his. Mind you when I used to get up at 8 his alarm at 6:45 never bothered me.
He also makes belittling comments about cleaners, (I used to work as one years ago when money was very tight, I had an alcoholic ex who did not work and I had to get any jobs). DP used to have a cleaner and fired her (dinner table story and pride story for his kids 'dad is so cool'). I clean at home 3x a week, I ask him to help me once a week but it is always with comments as why we have not got a cleaner. I explained that our space is not big and cleaner will not be as meticulous as us. Feels like cleaning is beneath him. He even asked me whether people whom houses I have cleaned in the past were picky and whether I did a good meticulous job. It felt like a poke at a low status job I had 20 year ago.
He complains about money a lot yet wants a cleaner.

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/08/2023 00:12

What do I think? I think I would look at my future and figure out how I could manage without him financially. Emotionally, I'd manage really well without him.

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/08/2023 00:12

So how long are you going to stay with this dickhead?

What a waste of your life.

GoldDuster · 09/08/2023 00:23

I think... I'd have one foot out of the door and the other shortly to follow.

Northernsouloldies · 09/08/2023 00:25

If he got a cleaner it would just be another woman to belittle. He is 100% prick.

BritInAus · 09/08/2023 01:17

Why on earth are you with this man?

FictionalCharacter · 09/08/2023 01:44

He puts you down all the time. Not pleasant.

KittensAllOverTheCarpetAndSofa · 09/08/2023 01:56

LTB.

RandomForest · 09/08/2023 02:05

Unpleasant snob.

Fraaahnces · 09/08/2023 02:07

Do you like him?

yellowsmileyface · 09/08/2023 10:07

He puts you down. That's not a "little" thing.

I'd leave before your self confidence erodes entirely.

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2023 10:09

You understand you can end relationships, don't you?

Bananalanacake · 10/08/2023 18:22

Do you have any DC together, living alone would be better.

Original poster

passport23 · 12/08/2023 00:13

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2023 10:09

You understand you can end relationships, don't you?

Yes, I current have work problems (not enough work coming through and not stable enough) to go solo. I think leaving is the only way forward. My self confidence is low and I feel I won't manage on my own. Mind you I feel it is to do with his domineering persona that I feel so helpless.

OP posts:

Original poster

passport23 · 12/08/2023 00:14

Bananalanacake · 10/08/2023 18:22

Do you have any DC together, living alone would be better.

It is my dream to be free of this toxic situationship. I daydream about living on my own.

OP posts:

Mmhmmn · 12/08/2023 01:05

Mind you I feel it is to do with his domineering persona that I feel so helpless.

It is. You'll be far happier without that crap.

readingmynightaway · 12/08/2023 01:20

Tell him to bore off.
Try to increase your work to be self-reliant if possible.
Can you go and stay elsewhere?
In the meantime..."Yes, I have heard it all before your repeated opinions boring me."

Lyxldu · 12/08/2023 01:39

The alarm clock thing just sounds like not much of anything?

What belittling comments does he make about cleaners? If you did this job 20 years ago, why do you interpret a comment about a cleaner as a dig at you? (I did cleaning work for a bit about 5 years ago… if DH or anyone made a belittling comment about cleaners I mean it would be dickish of them obviously so I’d question that, but it wouldn’t even occur to me in the moment that I did cleaning work at some point – I wouldn’t read into it any connection to me whatsoever. Likewise, I’ve done bar work in the past too, if DH made a derogatory comment about bartenders, I would not infer that it was a dig at me..)

Also don’t understand the reluctance to get a cleaner OP? Most people don’t enjoy cleaning, doesn’t mean they think it’s beneath them, it mostly just means they don’t want to and can’t be arsed.

All that being said, if you feel his general attitude towards you is belittling or find the relationship toxic (or even just if you’re not happy – that’s all the reason you need), then get out. Do you have irl support?

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