Anyone’s partner become less caring with age?

[Emotionaltumbleweed]

namechanged. Late 40s, been with DH since uni, teenage children. Marriage ok - past few years have been stressful for various reasons, and I think both of us have felt less happy with ourselves and each other as a result. We are working through it, and overall, he’s a decent man.

One thing I notice though, is that he’s becoming less and less able to offer me any type of emotional support whatsoever. He’s always been more inclined to offer practical help - and still does, and fortunately I have very close female friends to talk to about stuff.

However, in the past I would feel that he would at least TRY to listen/help/sympathise if I was worried or upset about something, up to a point, but now I might as well talk to an ironing board. In fact, the ironing board might be better because it would sit there at least! Whereas DH will actually be dismissive and then walk out, as he did tonight. I raised a concern about the health of one of our DCs (who had a terrifying health scare 6 months ago and there are still some unknowns with her) and he literally shrugged it off and told me I was stupid.

i’m honestly not always anxious and asking for reassurance, but I just wanted a bit of support. Feel like this is happening more and more and I’m increasingly wondering why I stick to this marriage if he has the emotional intelligence of a pumpkin and isn’t even trying anymore. Thoughts?

It might be a coping mechanism for him with your DD ? He must be concerned as well ?

thanks @Soozikinzii - I know he was terrified when dd was unwell and in hospital. But it felt like it was up to a point - certainly as soon as her situation improved it was very much up to me to deal with the majority of medical stuff, and it really struck me that he was astoundingly unsupportive towards me at that time - whereas in the past he has been brilliant in times of crisis.

It’s not just the situation with dd though - it’s anything I might have a concern about. Work, money - I get dismissed. In fact a very close friend of mine got a cancer diagnosis last week. While DH did say ‘oh no, how awful etc’ when I told him, he literally got snappy the moment I got a bit tearful and said how much I didn’t want to lose her. Like it was ok when I was saying the practical plans about supporting my friend, but I wasn’t allowed to say one sentence (and literally it was one sentence) about my own feelings.

sorry this is long. Helps to type it out I guess.

That sounds really shit.

My mother was like this. Partly because she just didn’t do sympathy. Lack of empathy really. She was one of those people who felt that she had enough problems of her own and didn’t have room to sympathise with anyone else.

This has also happened with my ex husband, but we’d been married a very long time and there were other things going on in the marriage which was causing problems. I had stopped looking for him to offer sympathy in the end.

I just think some men are more selfish, and when there’s a lot going on eg children, work house etc, they feel hard done by by everyone else in the family and decide they don’t want to ‘give’ anymore.

We don’t always improve with age. A lot of older women complain their husbands get grumpier/angry as they grow older.

You say you wonder if this is a problem of aging. I went to therapy and realised most of my problems with my husband were there from the beginning, they were just hidden better and I was just too dim to realise what was going on.

I don’t have a solution for you. Mine was to divorce.

My DP has always been caring, not at all selfish, even though he was an only child, and he’s now nearly 70. He’s a very hard-working physical guy but will drop everything to reassure me/hug me/just listen to me.
I think there are sadly too men that can almost “act” decent for a while at the beginning of a relationship but as life/children happen the facade falls away and you see the more unpleasant aspects.
Oh, and my DP has never once called me anything derogatory, or I him.

He sounds awful.

Calling you stupid and walking out mid conversations?

Awful.

I think you should look at counselling for yourself to figure out what you want.

It sounds as if your relationship is over.

Is that what he wants?

I think you need to figure our what you want for your future and can you go it alone financially etc.

Remaining married to someone with such little regard for you is not a good idea.

Men like that get worse with age and you do not want to end up caring for someone with so little regard for you.

So often men expect to be minded and catered for in retirement.

Not every woman wants this, even less so if their husband is selfish and emotionally unavailable to them.

Continue to invest in your female friends whilst you figure out what you want.

I think it's about trying to find a balance.

You say you're not overly anxious and maybe you're not! But people respond to thngs in different ways.

Eg your friend's cancer diagnosis. I would be sympathetic in that situation - because it is awful. However, I'd be a bit if someone started crying and saying they didn't want to lose them because there is usually a very long road between diagnosis and losing someone and, depending what type of cancer it is, the prognosis can be very good. What would you have wanted him to say to that? What could he have said?

Some people prefer not to dwell on the speculative negatives and focus on the present positives.

Insulting you and walking out aren't good obviously but then is he a dick or has he reached compassion fatigue (generally rather than regarding specific incidents)?

Some people have more 'concerns' than others. I might have a bit of a vent to my partner if im pissed off and id expect a conversation if i was bringing up something specific but I don't think I've ever required 'support' (beyond practical). Beyond "That's awful/shit/sounds like a nightmare!" what support can someome really give?

If he's just a prick generally then the above doesn't count.

To me it doesn't sound like a character trait that has got worse. It sounds more like he's lost patience with you as he does not care about you as much any more. That was my experiencce, at least.

Could it be a coping mechanism to how you treat him?