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Relationships

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Scrapbook from the ex

11 replies

GettinReal2023 · 08/08/2023 20:08

My partner and I have been together 18 months. We each have a property but spend 95% of the time at mine as I have children from a previous relationship. Our plan is to sell each property and buy a house together next year. We are selling his place first as he doesn't use it much and whilst clearing out a cupboard I found a leather bound scrapbook from his ex.

He's told me before that they had a 5 year on/off relationship but ultimately she left him with a key on the doormat. He said it wasn't a surprise at the time and the relationship had been over for a while, but he decided he wouldn't go back to that relationship anymore. So he signed up to a dating website a few weeks later and then we met.

This scrapbook contains their first messages, all the flowers he bought her, concerts and date nights but also tough times when they broke up and a miscarriage (he'dalready told me about that). It ends with a message to him saying thank you to my best friend. She says sorry for the times she hurt him and she'll always love their memories together. She knows he'll do great things and hopes his next chapter sees him achieve his goals.

It feels like a goodbye type thing, but I'm not sure of the point. How do you move on when everything is brought back up? Is it a parting gift? Why bring all this up to say goodbye? He's obviously kept it. What's surprised me is that he's taken to me places they went, done the same things with me but never bought me flowers. He says he's a practical person and flowers just die so doesn't buy flowers. Yet apparently he did.

I'm feeling quite upset about it all now.

OP posts:
Busubaba · 08/08/2023 20:27

Maybe he thinks that all those romantic gestures such as buying flowers were a waste of time as it didn't lead to lasting love.

So he's now more practical and believes his actions and behaviour towards you are more important? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Hiddenvoice · 08/08/2023 20:47

It’s part of his past and part of the person he is now. It’s nice to keep things that are sentimental to you. Clearly she meant a lot to him at that time and wants to keep things all together. He’s kept happy and sad memories there so it’s not all positive.

I understand why you’re upset but I wouldn’t let it get to you too much. To me, it shows he’s a very kind and loving person. Some people keep things from their exes, it doesn’t mean anything other than keeping the odd memory.

You could always chat to him about it and ask gently why he made the scrapbook but I wouldn’t encourage him to bin it.

Ive taken my dh to places I’ve been to with previous boyfriends. It’s just that I like the places that’s all.

GettinReal2023 · 08/08/2023 20:54

He does show me he loves me in many ways with his actions and listening to me. But I'm still disappointed about the flowers if I'm honest.

The scrapbook was made by his ex. I guess I really want to know when she gave it to him to understand the context of it.

I don't begrudge him having it as we all have a past but the contents surprised me.

I'm considering talking to him about it but I also feel I've invaded his privacy by looking through it so I'm feeling guilty too.

OP posts:
ladeluge · 08/08/2023 21:23

So he is selling his house and moving in to yours. Then you will be buying a property together? Presumably he will be contributing to your household costs etc.

You may already have it sussed, but make sure to protect your share of any future jointly purchased house.

Trust your gut on the rest of it. If in doubt....

GettinReal2023 · 08/08/2023 23:30

Yes. Selling his place and living 100% with me to then purchase somewhere new together. We'll be going 50/50 on everything.

I cannot get my head around making a hand written scrapbook with lots of photos to celebrate a relationship that is over. It must have taken her a while to make. I find it an odd "goodbye' if that is what it is. It feels more 'don't ever forget me'.

OP posts:
Thehippowife · 08/08/2023 23:35

I think it’s really sweet , and it shows your partner has a heart rather than someone who says goodbye and ignores all the past he shared with his ex. He won’t forget her, they shared time and memories and the scrap book was a therapy thing for her by the sounds of it, letting him go after a journey together. See this as a positive sign that your partner is mature and sensitive, that he doesn’t shit all over peoples feelings after relationships have ended. There may come a day when you really value this in him .

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/08/2023 23:48

I'm a bit concerned that you don't know this man well enough to make such a big decision as selling your house and having him live with your children.

GettinReal2023 · 09/08/2023 00:18

I guess I'm concerned too.

I'm concerned he can tell me he doesn't buy flowers for partners as they're not practical but yet there's a page dedicated to all the flowers he bought her.

I'm feeling pretty worthless that he doesn't value me enough to do a basic romantic gesture but dd with others and that he seems to have lied about it.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/08/2023 07:49

You definitely need to communicate

you can’t buy a home and merge lives when you feel so insecure

there are many valid reasons for this to be fair

many of us still have momentous and stuff from exes

bit the fact is you don’t feel loved for
some reason and you need to talk about it and hear what he has to say

GettinReal2023 · 09/08/2023 13:33

We spoke this morning as he could tell something was wrong. I told him I found it and apologised for reading it. But having read it I am really hurt to see he gave flowers to others but hasn't for me. I'm left wondering what I did wrong and why I don't deserve them. I said it felt like he lied as his argument was he doesn't do flowers and would rather practical presents but clearly that's not true. I acknowledged he shows me in lots of other wonderful ways that he loves me and I don't want to take away from that but still it's upset me a lot.

He said he's changed since then and prefers practical gifts now and he can't really explain why he never bought me flowers. He doesn't have an excuse. He said the scrapbook was something he forgot about and was a birthday gift. It wasn't a goodbye gift. I do find it strange that it never has 'I love you' written in it only things she loves about him. She also finished with 'may the next chapter in your life see your goals fulfilled'. It doesn't say 'our life' despite being written whilst they were together. He offered to throw it away and I said I'm not asking him to do that. He can choose what he does with it, it's still important memories.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 09/08/2023 13:40

Honestly my ex takes all his girlfriends to places we went to he tried taking me to places his first ex wife loved so for example they used to visit a particular beach when they visited her mum who lived there he wanted to take me there? I introduced him to other places where I used to live he took his (now) fiancé and his ex fiance (actually proposed to her there) it was very weird his ex telling me about the time he took her somewhere and then she found out that's where we got married

Some men are unimaginative

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