Realising you have been abusive

[Nearlydone1]

Hi

There was a thread on here the other day that the OP requested for deletion, where she had questioned her husband paying for dental treatment and then completely lost it a few days later.

Reading the responses made me think about some of the things I've done recently when I've struggled to come to terms with the end of a relationship, and ended up shouting at my ex, admittedly through tears (we just about still love together but I leave permanently this week). I have been extremely defensive in my mind the last 4 weeks, but he says I have been offensive.

Reading people's replies made me think about whether I was unintentionally moving things from a former couple now very unhappy in each other's company, to me crossing lines around disrespect and privacy, and essentially becoming abusive. It wasn't ever done intentionally and has been me (over) reacting to being so upset about things myself. He finished it unexpectedly and I was devastated, but accepted it.

It wasn't an easy realisation and admittedly at the moment I am under so much stress myself that I have thought about rehoming my dogs because I feel so low, and that when my elderly dad passes, I don't have to carry on myself then. He's fine at the moment but the idea that I don't have to go on indefinitely, just another 10 years tops.

I have been to ask for mental health help - 20 months ago and finally nearing the top of the waiting list - so I have tried to do something to look at how I deal with things that upset me. I have also been honest to friends that I have been horrible on a couple of occasions at home and totally lost the plot yesterday at a neighbour, after months of feeling shunned.

I sound awful I know and I'm not looking for sympathy - I just wanted to say that it's good sometimes that these things get aired, as it makes other readers reflect on their own actions too.

You are brave for admitting that you have behaved in an abusive manner. Remember, admitting it is a step in the right direction. MN is full of posters who describe themselves as lovely and that they are surrounded by abusive people. I often wonder whether the poster is really as saintly as they describe. Most people have good and bad within them and sometimes we deal with things badly.
I wonder if you rang Samaritans just to talk to someone and to get things straight in your head. If you bottle it all up it can result in a mini explosion in your interactions with other people and push you into abusive behaviour which makes you feel so much worse about yourself.
Talking to an anonymous listener can be so good for you and help you gain some self control

Thank you. I think my motive for posting was mainly just that thing of being honest and because it was stuff on here that gave me a different perspective and insight.

Friends have been great with support thankfully, but I think I feel so alone with it sometimes as I don't have a conventional family set up (who does these days, though) so I can't really go to them for any practical help and rarely have been able to throughout my life. Undoubtedly I still have abandonment issues that when triggered, I'm not dealing with well at the moment.

Thank you for your what you said, it helps with balance, I know I have good bits too but I just feel I have let myself and him down so much at the moment. Feeling a bit better after an extra night of sleep and a day away from it.

I move out today so the space and time we both need is now coming our way.

If you bottle it all up it can result in a mini explosion in your interactions with other people and push you into abusive behaviour which makes you feel so much worse about yourself.

Thanks for this as well, the reality is that not everyone who is abusive wants to control someone else, well at least not in my case. I had totally forgotten the times I have been shouted and sworn at by the neighbour since the start of the year as well. I have found that so hurtful and upsetting so maybe it's not as surprising I eventually did it back.

As for my ex I know I've crossed a line there for definite, regardless of things he has done that have upset me. I know I have some issues with executive function and emotional regulation at times, so will do some reading around this whilst I continue to wait for treatment.

Useful just to be able to clarify my thoughts.

What have you done specifically to be abusive?

Hi. I had a few times gone into his room when I was very upset and begun arguing with him over things he had said that had really upset me. He had just gone to bed when I did it.

I shouldn't have done it, it was an invasion of his privacy and obviously stressed him out

Op I'm not convinced you're the abusive one here..

Can you talk to us about how he treats you?

the reality is that not everyone who is abusive wants to control someone else, well at least not in my case

I think it's great that you're doing some self-reflecting. But I must say I don't agree with this.

Abuse is always about power and control.

A person can be treated badly without it being abuse. I think it's important not to use "abuse" as an umbrella term for all bad behaviour. Abuse is a much more specific thing so it's important that it's true definition not be lost.

It sounds like you're describing instances of losing your temper or having difficulty controlling your emotions, and you acted in a way that affected someone else negatively. That is not abuse. By all means take accountability and reflect on your behaviour, but honestly if the underlying intent wasn't to exert control or dominance over someone, then no, it wasn't abuse.

@yellowsmileyface
I looked up to find out if you are right in your definition of abuse. This is what I read in the Oxford Dictionary

use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse.

There is no reference to power and control in any of the definitions I read. It sounds as if you are so determined to blame the man that you have made up your own definition.
I am sure that if a man kept going into his female partner's room after she had gone to bed, most people would recognise that as abusive.
Everyone loses their temper and behaves badly sometimes. The most important thing is to recognise it and deal with it.

You forgot the example which makes it clearer its about power.

1.. use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse.
"the judge abused his power by imposing the fines"

2.. treat with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.

It sounds like you were reacting to something someone had said or done to you @Nearlydone1 . That's not abuse.

You say him breaking up with you came out of the blue - did he expect you not to react to that? Just to take it in your stride and said "Yes, fine, if that's what you want"? You are allowed to feel and to articulate how you feel. Especially when your life has just been turned upside down.

Abusive people often accuse you of doing to them what they are doing to you. Don't forget that.

I'm finding your posts about this abusive behaviour vague and maybe this is because you're too embarrassed to tell us specifically what happened.

Anyway, there is abuse and there is a toxic relationship. It's good to reflect on your behaviour but people aren't the best most objective judge of what happened. They are biased when telling their story and in my esteem most abusive people don't realise or admit they were abusive.. but there are types of people who are too hard on themselves. It's possible you were abusive but the examples are just not very clear.

I think you're being very hard on yourself. Nobody is at their best when a relationship is in its death throes and if the break-up came out of the blue then it almost goes without saying that you would have reacted badly - who wouldn't?

Given that you had no idea he was going to end the relationship, I'm actually wondering if the boot was on the other foot, and your ex was the controlling one. It's quite common for abusive partners to make their victim feel that they ought to feel sorry and guilty for how they've behaved, even if that behaviour was a perfectly normal reaction to being put under the intense emotional stress of control and manipulation.

Self-reflection is always valuable, but nothing you've described here sounds that awful to me. If you've become used to someone telling you, or indirectly making you feel, that you're an awful person though, then it will come more naturally to you to blame yourself.

I think you will look back on this break-up and see it as a lucky escape. I think your mental health will improve without this man in your life trying to make you feel bad about yourself at every turn. I am sure you can, and will, be happy again. Try and be kinder to yourself while you're getting there.

@Waterweir The definition you’ve posted is an all-encompassing and therefore vague definition of “abuse” as a verb that includes uses such as “to abuse one’s trust”. Of course the definition in its broadest form doesn’t include motivations or reasons for abuse.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline has a page on “Why People Abuse”. It says the following:

“Domestic violence stems from a desire to gain and maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abusive people believe they have the right to control and restrict their partner’s lives, often either because they believe their own feelings and needs should be the priority in the relationship, or because they enjoy exerting the power that such abuse gives them.”

They go on to say:

“Being abusive is a decision: it’s a strategic behaviour by your partner to create their desired power dynamic.”

I maintain that “abuse” is NOT synonymous with “poor behaviour”. Misusing this word (ironically, abusing the word!) has the effect of obscuring the very important language victims need to describe their experiences, in the same way that “gaslighting” has become so overused it’s hard for victims of actual gaslighting to describe their experiences and be heard and understood.

There’s also a wide array of literature and research that supports my view such as the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft.

A paper published in 2020, which I’ll link below, claims that “many scholars consider power and control to be the critical motivating factor for intimate partner violence perpetration”.

link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10896-020-00174-0#Sec90