How would you describe my mother's dysfunctional parenting?

[Howiwasbroughtup]

To start off, I love my mum dearly and especially since having my son, we are very close and mostly get along well now.

The issue I've been reflecting on is the way my mum treated me when I was growing up, and even to this day to a certain extent. For context, I am an only child and my parents split up when I was pre school age. I have read about narcs, and I don't think that describes her, but here are some examples of her behaviour:

1. Responding to my own upset by becoming even more upset herself. An example would be when I came home crying and told her that my school friends were leaving me out. This resulted in her hysterically crying and phoning her own mum for emotional support. There are many other similar examples.

2. Similar to above, she often struggled/struggles to differentiate the fact that I am her daughter and not her friend. I often ended up being an emotional crutch for her rather than the other way round. This sort of continues now. She would also speak to me about things that you shouldn't talk to your own child about, such as how hard it is having a child, how hard it makes a relationship, how lonely she was, etc.

3. Always bringing everything around to be about her and trying to make me feel sorry for her. Like one time when I was probably 10, maybe less, we must have been arguing about something and I walked out of the room, she shouted after me "I have cancer" then when I got hysterically upset she immediately admitted she had made it up.

4. Randomly insulting me for no reason or following a disagreement e.g. telling me I had gotten fat, that my glasses made my eyes look small.

The reason I am reflecting so heavily on this is that my long term relationship has reached breaking point because of how cruel I can sometimes be towards my partner, including picking arguments and saying things I know will upset him, and being melodramatic making things about myself.

I had never put the two together until now as had been burying my head in the sand and telling myself I didn't have a problem. But I really want to make this relationship work and to start being a better person.

Can anyone relate to this?

This often leads to a disorganised attachment style, if you want to look up attachment styles. She had a complete lack of boundaries and didn’t protect you.

Hmmmm. I'm reading this as you treat your partner badly and are trying to blame your mother.

There are two separate issues here.

@Darhon thank you. I have just googled this term and I definitely relate, am going to do some more reading about that.

@LightSpeeds a totally legitimate opinion. But I only came to this conclusion after a lot of questioning myself about why I treat him like this when I love him so much and when I know I am capable of being a kind and caring person. I was not grasping for something or someone to blame. But appreciate that is your opinion.

Sympathies OP. My own mother was/is difficult but not to this level. Sounds like you could use a good psychoanalytic therapist to help you untangle all this? I don't agree that these are two separate issues- as you say, they can be very related.

It doesn’t matter what was wrong with your mum as she didn’t seek to change it . she will probably always be the same .
Whereas you have recognised the same behaviour from yourself and want to change it .
You are best to focus on yourself , seek therapy and make those changes to yourself before it’s too late .

I had similar with my mother and found myself saying things she would say etc … that’s when I sought help to change myself .

Do histrionic or borderline personality disorders fit her at all? Obviously you can't diagnose her but it might help you process it all and understand what it means for your own upbringing and life events to look at these lenses and see if either of them are fitting.

@LightSpeeds That's a bit unfair. How we behave in relationships is directly influenced by how we were treated in our earliest relationships. Understanding that is - for some people - the best way of learning how to change.

In that case, we have to assume that OP's mum also had a dysfunctional mother from whom she learned her parenting style.

@LightSpeeds my mums mum was a saint. The best person in the world. However, my mum was brought up in the same house as her mums mum - who from the sounds of it hated my mums guts from the day she was born.

@Miriam101 @Fidgety31 thank you for sharing your experiences. I really resonate with what you said about realising you were saying the same things as your mum. I don't know about you, but for me this has all hit me like a smack in the face. I can't believe I didn't realise before. You have also given me some optimism that I am realising this now and can get help to sort it out.

@pinguins thank you, I will look into those conditions.

I was about to comment and say to look up BPD. It helped me understand my own mother a lot more. Your post sounds almost identical to my upbringing. I've had a lot of therapy and it has helped me with my relationships with others

@LightSpeeds Maybe she did. It's irrelevant though. OP isn't trying to change her mother here, just herself. And one way of doing that is by understanding the messages we were given in childhood. It's not about blame.

She sounds emotionally immature - stuck in behaving like a child herself.

Agree with @NaughtPoppy - if you Google emotionally immature parents you might find a lot that resonates.

I would have said codependent but 3 and 4 are down the narcissistic end of the spectrum.

These are things I can relate to. I wouldn't be surprised that you notice more and more now you are a parent, as I did.

It would be typical for someone like you (with a mother like that and now suffering CPTSD) to have partnered up with someone that equals your mother's emotional immaturity and that could be why you have been acting in the way you do- it's called reactive abuse.

The solution to all this? Somatic therapy/ coaching for self healing is a good place to start.

I would certainly say your mother is emotionally immature - emotionally immature people take everything personally, it is all about them. It sounds to me like she really struggles with shame so when things push her button she lashes out (calling you names). It is likely given she was your primary carer you too are emotionally immature - I know I am, my tendancy is to react when hurt, feeling shame, rather that to try and work out why I am having those feelings. I am working through a lot of this with my counsellor. As others have said it's likely you are both replicating behaviour patterns you experienced and also responding to a disorganised attachment style. I would strongly recommend a counsellor to both help you think through and process your mother's parenting of you and then think through how you behave/respond and what you want to do differently moving forward. Having my child was one of the triggers for me to really look and understand my relationship with my parents, put in some healthier boundaries and begin to start address the patterns I've learnt.

Defo sounds very like BPD.

I relate completely to this. My mum has always had a knack of bringing everything to be about herself. I’ve definitely avoided going to her for support and stopped telling her certain things because of it.

I think you’ve pressed post before you got to the point of your post? But yes there may be something in her mothers upbringing which she has not addressed. Unlike the op is trying to.

I really appreciate everyone opening up about their own experiences. As many of you have pointed out, my mum is definitely emotionally immature. Looking back, she wasn't resilient and didn't prepare me for life. I also never really learnt what a loving relationship involves, and am still learning to this day.

I want to clarify that I am not actively blaming mum for my behaviour, but finding a reason for being the way I am is helping me to deal with the shame and guilt and gives me something to work on.

Can I check what specific type of therapist I should be looking for? @Doihavetoputaringonit you kindly mentioned somatic therapy and life coaching, which I will look into.

Just to add - does anyone have any books/audiobooks they would recommend?

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is worth looking at.

I don’t have tons of experience in this area but I would say you should look for a psychoanalytic or psychodynamic therapist. Afaik they are the ones who will try to unpick how this early relationship affected you and how it affects your relationships now. I may be wrong about that though- am not a therapist!