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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex keeps texting me

31 replies

Ttacocatt · 08/08/2023 17:15

I get texts monthly from my ex just asking "how are you?". Like, why? It's almost a year since he divorced me and I have not received a single apology for all the bullshit he put me through, which means I am not very excited to talk to him and only give him short replies. We have not agreed to be friends or have contact. He was really cold and mean for the last year of our relationship and it felt like he hated me, so it's hard to even imagine he'd want to be friends now. It's so annoying to get these meaningless texts.

OP posts:
SamW98 · 08/08/2023 17:18

It’s called hoovering and it’s a typical control technique to ensure he stays in your head.

Dont respond. Even a negative response he will see as getting a reaction.

The more you ignore the quicker he’ll get bored.

Fizzology · 08/08/2023 17:20

Do you have shared dc? If not, block the loser.

Quitelikeit · 08/08/2023 17:21

Block him

and be happy

that’s the best revenge

Sandra1984 · 08/08/2023 17:28

Many reasons for that, I don't know your ex so don't know what's his story. In general Men like to be pen pals because attention is a form of validation. He probably misses you but don't expect an apology. Engaging in text with him in a friendly manner is probably seen in his eyes as you missing and forgiving his bad behaviour. He also wants to get in your head rent free (and he seems to be succeeding at it as here you are opening a thread about him). If he's a narcissist (which I don't know) they maybe hoovering attempts (like a power trip where he gets to see if you're still "game" or something in the lines of). Just be blunt and politely ask him what he wants from you, see what he says, however... I would continue with the grey rocking and not engage or "I'm fine thanks" and that's it. You can always block him if you don't want he's energy in your life.

readingmynightaway · 08/08/2023 17:53

Do not wonder why or analyse it.
Block.
If your co parenting stipulate only about contact or ignore the small talk.
It is all about Him and his ego do not expect an apology.

BananaSlug · 08/08/2023 17:57

Block him?

Pinkbonbon · 08/08/2023 18:04

Don't let any desire for closure keep you from blocking him.

You won't gey that apology. Not unless it serves a purpose for him.

No one is sorry if they treat someone like shit continuously.

As pp said, it's hoovering, designed to keep you thinking about him.

Block. Make that your closure.
Choose yourself.

Original poster
Ttacocatt · 08/08/2023 18:54

readingmynightaway · 08/08/2023 17:53

Do not wonder why or analyse it.
Block.
If your co parenting stipulate only about contact or ignore the small talk.
It is all about Him and his ego do not expect an apology.

We have no kids or anything keeping us tied to each other. Why do you think it's about his ego?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ttacocatt · 08/08/2023 18:58

BananaSlug · 08/08/2023 17:57

Block him?

I know it's what I should do, but he was almost suicidal after the divorce and I don't have the conscience to block him in case he would become suicidal again and reach out for help.

OP posts:
category12 · 08/08/2023 19:00

Given he has never apologised, put you through a lot and that you say he divorced you, he's just checking whether he still has an in with you.

Isn't the real question, why are you responding to him at all if he treated you so badly?

Mom2K · 08/08/2023 19:04

Why analyze his motives? Why do you care what his reasons are? There could be any number of reasons for the way people behave in any given circumstance - you are never going to actually know and even if you figure it out, it doesn't change anything. So it is pointless.

Just block him and don't give it another thought. Regardless what his motives are, this is someone who has treated you badly. Do not entertain them.

category12 · 08/08/2023 19:04

Ttacocatt · 08/08/2023 18:58

I know it's what I should do, but he was almost suicidal after the divorce and I don't have the conscience to block him in case he would become suicidal again and reach out for help.

Show quote history

Ah, he's trying to keep you on as his emotional support human.

Stop taking on that role. You're divorced. It's been a year. He needs to reach out to other people.

Pinkbonbon · 08/08/2023 19:05

Ttacocatt · 08/08/2023 18:58

I know it's what I should do, but he was almost suicidal after the divorce and I don't have the conscience to block him in case he would become suicidal again and reach out for help.

Show quote history

And that was likely bullshit attention seeking from him too.

He divorced you yet he was claiming to be suicidal? Let me guess, had he also been cheating?

He is not your responsibility. He won't kill himself anyway. Because its shit.

He treaded you horribly and then tried to make himself the victim so that you didn't feel you had the right to be mad at him. He's a headfucking wanker.

Pinkbonbon · 08/08/2023 19:11

(Assuming something awful didn't happen to him like death of a relative during that time at least)

My moneys on it all having to be all about him
Then and still now.

Fizzology · 08/08/2023 19:43

Block him. If he needs to contact someone in an emergency, it won't be you. That's the beauty of divorce with no dc.

TheoTheopolis23 · 08/08/2023 19:54

I would imagine that because he ended the relationship and initiated divorce, that he thinks you wouldn't have yourself, you can be picked up or put down when he feels like it and you are always potentially available to him (unless he finds out you're not single).

Along those lines, when his relationships aren't going so well, or when he's single etc. - he's reaching out to see if you'll take him on, as it were, and are still potentially available to him.

It's a sort of pulling a fishing line to see of a fish is hooked on there.

If you respond, he thinks you're a possible option still.

TheoTheopolis23 · 08/08/2023 19:57

He wasn't concerned about you becoming suicidal when he was horrible to you, left you, divorced you, was he.

He's got some neck doing what he did and then stressing you out about his MH issues.

powerpufff · 08/08/2023 20:00

Ttacocatt · 08/08/2023 17:15

I get texts monthly from my ex just asking "how are you?". Like, why? It's almost a year since he divorced me and I have not received a single apology for all the bullshit he put me through, which means I am not very excited to talk to him and only give him short replies. We have not agreed to be friends or have contact. He was really cold and mean for the last year of our relationship and it felt like he hated me, so it's hard to even imagine he'd want to be friends now. It's so annoying to get these meaningless texts.

Hoovering
Some like to do it just for fun
Block him

BCBird · 08/08/2023 20:00

Let silence be your weapon. When my ex of 2 and a half years foned me to say he had fallen madly in love with someone else,that's what I decided to do. Fast fwd a couple of months he contacted me out of the blue to ask for me to post his key back,I ignored him.

powerpufff · 08/08/2023 20:00

Also: you do not owe him your friendship even if he is nice to you

Pamspeople · 08/08/2023 20:03

Block him. If he feels suicidal he can contact someone else, or the samaritans. Stop letting him occupy a space in your head. You're on here wondering about him, he would love that. Block him.

DatingDinosaur · 08/08/2023 20:11

Why was he almost suicidal after the divorce HE instigated? That doesn't make sense.

He's playing games with you, tugging at your heart strings - that's the ego trip for him.

Can't you just say something like "Look, it's been a year now. You divorced me. I cut you some slack for a year but there's no reason for us to stay in touch now. our lives have gone their separate ways. I wish you all the best for the future but please don't message me again, it's not helping either of us in the long run. All the best." ?

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2023 20:19

FGS, op, he's not going to kill himself and he's not your responsibility, anyway. He was "suicidal" so you wouldn't come down too hard on him. That wouldn't have suited his purpose. He's a narcissistic, self-absorbed twat who is enjoying keeping you on his hook. He doesn't want you but he doesn't want you to fully move on, either. He likes knowing that you're waiting for his inevitable check-in. This is all about him and his overinflated ego. He doesn't give a shit as to how you're doing.

Fuck that and fuck him. He can find a new doormat to wipe his feet on.

Block him.

Sandra1984 · 08/08/2023 22:02

"How are you?"is the most used hoovering line in the narcissist text book. He wants to make you think he cares about you so that you lower down your guard, engage with him and let him know where you're at. It's all about him keeping tabs/control over you and giving him emotional supply, attention and validation. If he really cared about you he wouldn't have treated you like shyte for a whole year and you would probably not be divorced.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 23:39

If he's suicidal or saying he is, do you really want to receive those messages? They will suck you right back in! Surely better for him to see only one tick and so contact someone else instead?