How can I think about this differently/stop myself from fucking it up completely? Could I actually be right?

[AlwaysHaveCutFlowersInTheBedroom]

I'm sorry this is so long. In my defence, I have used paragraphs... 😬 I don't really have a question but experiences or thoughts or reflections would be very welcome.

I had an abusive childhood. The physical abuse stopped when I left home but the emotional abuse lasted until I cut contact with my abuser many years ago.

The abuse primarily left me with a sense that I am not like other people. That I'm fundamentally different and incapable of being loved. I know that's not true. I've had therapy. The best one I had was a group therapy with other people who'd had similar experiences which really consolidated in me the knowledge and sense that there is nothing wrong with me and that this was all my abuser.

Anyway. I didnt have much relationship experience when I was younger. I fundamentally believed i was unloveable (didn't question it tbh, it was just accepted) so my focus was having fun, dating men who were fun but not long term material. All i was interested in was whether they looked cool and I could go out and get pissed with them. I dated men for a few weeks and then ended it - off to find the next shiny new thing. I was young and reasonably pretty - it wasn't hard to do! I had sex but it wasn't good or loving with an emotional connection. It was usually drunken, occasionally a bit wild and purely a physical act. Some of it made me feel unsafe (probably the lack of emotional connection). I treated men pretty badly if I'm honest. Didn't occur to me at the time though because it wasn't like they were going to have feelings for me anyway... And I was scared of the prospect of sex in a long term relationship.

When I was 25, I started dating my best friend from school. He was safe, dependable and we were best friends so we got on amazingly. He was a virgin and had some funny ideas around sex (he knew of my past and said I was too good to have sex 'done to' me). We had sex a few times but it was obvious we didn't fancy each other or love each other in a romantic way (although we loved each other dearly platonically). He was a great support to me and I supported him too. But it was 'companionship' nothing more.

We stayed together for 12 years. 12 loveless and sexless years. Where I lived with my best friend. We'd stay up all night talking; he was a great partner in the day to day sense but there was no physical attraction, love or sex. And that suited us both for a long time.

He eventually met someone and fell in love. It was inevitable and I didn't hold it against him.

I was 37, single and with next to no real relationship experience and very inexperienced sexually.

Since then, I've not been able to see sex and love as connected even though I've really wanted to. I tried to date but the last 11 years have been filled with a few fuck buddies, some fwbs, and a few short term flings that never quite made it to a relationship because I would always end it.

I don't think I've had ridiculous standards and have walked away from potential relationships for valid reasons! But it means I've got to nearly 50 with still next to no proper relationship experience, little sexual experience and no experience of sex and love in a relationship.

And so we are here.

I've been in a relationship for nearly 2 years. He's pretty much everything I could have wanted. I knew him for a few years before we got together. This is where I find it hard to explain.

He's a blend of everything. He looks cool (20 yo me would be pleased 🤣); he's fun; he's also excellent around the house; he doesn't criticise me; he has a good work ethic; he's generous; he's kind, loving and affectionate... I love him and I fancy him. He says the same of me. He gets on great with my (adult) children; my friends love him; he still goes out and sees his friends but not as often as he did (his choice) - he says he's happy hanging out with me. And would rather do stuff as couples with them (which they also prefer). I've never experienced that before.

So what the problem? I don't know. I'm responding as though he's none of those things. I feel anxious, I feel unloved (?), I don't believe he's sexually or physically attracted to me. I can't sleep at night - I lie awake, sometimes in tears, because I feel so alone, rejected, unloved, ugly and unattractive. He puts his hand on me and I tense up and pull away. I overthink every look, how often he's said 'I love you' today. How many times he's checked SM today. I feel like a fraud. I feel like a fool for having believed him and getting myself into this situation. I keep a mental note of how often we have sex - why isn't it more? Does he not want to? I'm convinced he doesn't want to have sex with me actually and that, when he does, he's doing it purely for my benefit. Which also makes me feel like shit and I'd rather he didn't bother.

We spoke about it a couple of weeks ago (not all of the above - just a general relationship chat - but i did allude to how I feel). He was really confused because he doesn't see what more he could do to show how he feels. And he's right.

I'm pushing him away and I'm messing it up. I think partly because, in my head, it's either love or sex but can't be both. I can't make it be both in my head and I know he loves me. So I've settled on he doesn't find me attractive, I'm going to end up in another sexless relationship, I feel unattractive because that's my relationship pattern so far. And it's damaging my self esteem and confidence because I feel stupid if I get dressed up to go out, I can't flirt with him. I can't do anything which, in head, suggests I think I mean anything to him.

I feel overwhelmed, confused and really just sad.

Can you have some counselling to try and un pick it a bit more? And to give yourself permission to be loved and to love back?

I don't think I can afford counselling. Either financially or mentally at the moment. The whole getting worse before it gets better stuff is something I can't manage alongside job tbh. And the last time I tried, I couldn't continue because of work.

Had somewhat of a similar experience with my wife who had childhood issues and I believe something underlying but couldn't ever be content, accept love or seem worthy of it. Like a disconnect almost but it was also abusive as a result.

For me I am different to most and more understanding and with that all that was needed was for her to be herself, flaws included. I cared and understood had issues and helped with those in whatever way I could but all of the lying, abuse and defending wasn't necessary. I did actually truly love and care for her, but she was incapable of being herself or accepting she had everything she wanted.

So, I know it's easier said than done but in my opinion be yourself, stop over thinking and allow yourself to be you and be happy and if your current partner is similar to me, he will embrace it.

You have had bad times but they are in the past, don't let your past define who you are now, you are not there any more. You can feel things and be happy, be loved if you accept it.

Don't do what mine did and get stuck in the past and destroy the present over and over again.

Thank you for your wise words.

I think what I've got out of therapy the most is being able to manage it (mostly) around him.

So I wouldn't try to put restrictions on him, I'm not worried about him meeting someone else (if he does, he does). I don't punish him for how I feel but I know that it is 'uncomfortable' for him when I withdraw. He knows its me and not him and he also knows its not actually anything to do with 'him' and he gives me space.

There's no lying, abuse of needing to defend himself. Because I've worked very hard on myself so I'm not directly projecting anything on to him. But it worries me that his 'indirect' experience would be similar.

People say to take it at face value and just enjoy it. The difficulty is that i am taking it at 'face value' based on my experience. What they're actaully asking me to do is mental gymnastics to try and make it fit a completely different narrative! That's what I find hard.

Yeah I get that like saying you should just feel a certain way because you must be able to as others can?

I wasn't saying yours was abusive btw case it came across like that. Good that you have sought help, that's a big step in itself.

What I was meaning was be yourself in terms of what you feel, not what you are expected to feel, or assume you should feel a certain way or that your version is inadequate. It may not be what others experience but they are not you and you are not them.

As in I knew my wife couldn't feel things the same way so I never expected her to show that level. However, I knew her version of that experience and I learned to accept that and feel happy for her in those times. It wasn't the general sense but I knew it meant the same and that's how far it would go.

If you have to pull away or deal with yourself in certain ways, that's okay too but the most important thing, from being on the opposite side is to communicate what you are doing. Doesn't have to be what the root cause was, just this is what I need to do in order to get through in these circumstances and I need you to do this. There's no confusion, second guessing or pushing boundaries that way, both understand and are less likely to get hurt or offended by it.

No, I didn't think you were saying it was abuse but in also aware that a lot of abuse is delivered by hurt and broken people who are just trying to protect themselves or manage their own feelings. They're just going about it in the wrong way. The impact on the other person is no different though.

I've worked really hard at managing it but it does, I suppose, also mean that I internalise it all and I do find it difficult to communicate how I feel. He can tell when I'm off but he will just ask if I'm OK. I am OK (and i dont want to burden him) so I say yes! If he asked me a more specific question- eg are you worried about something? I've noticed you're withdrawing from me. Then I'd feel more able to communicate what I'm feeling. When I'm in that moment, I'm not able to process that what he is communicating is exactly that though.

I'll tell him that.

Your last paragraph was really helpful actually. Thank you.

No worries glad helps.

Yeah that's kinda what mine was like but it was also extremely volatile. It was very much a case of I did not know what to do, or what was going through their mind at any given moment but I'm fairly certain there's more to that which may be why.

If it was me and you would appreciate communicating more but can't at that specific time, I would rather you told me the truth and I would understand you can't talk about it right now.

So at the time I would say I appreciate you want to help, I'm not okay but I just can't right now but I would like to communicate further once I am able and ready to. Then, should you get to a point you want to, before you do, say I'm not sure how long I can for so I may have to stop the conversation and we can try at a later time.

Doesn't matter how much you do in one go, small bursts of communication may be helpful for you both and it may buildup longer over time. Regardless of how long it is, he would then be aware it's not necessarily something he's said or didn't say, it's your comfort levels and understands you've had to pull away.