What the fuck is wrong with me?

[missingthemark]

I don't even know where to start or how to explain.

Long time married, hasn't been great for 7/8 years and feel like we've stayed together for convenience sake. Very little intimacy (mainly down to him not being interested, which I've found really tough) Don't really argue, just get on with our lives side by side although we do some things together. I suspect he's a lot more content with the status quo than I am.

Communication has always been hard and just feels impossible now. I feel so many things but just can't express them, I have a tendency to be passive aggressive and feel so uptight. If he does something nice for me I might think "oh that was kind of him" yet can't say thank you.

I just don't even know what's going on, it's like I've withdrawn so far into myself I can't be open or honest. I don't know if it's some weird self preservation thing.

Sorry for the confusing post, I don't even know what I'm asking.

Are you feeling this way only about the relationship or are there other areas of your life suffering?

I'm wondering whether you are generally feeling depressed and /or whether you'd find couples counseling helpful to build skills in communicating again.

Did you used to be able to say thank you? Can you pinpoint when the relationship changed if it used to be better?

Could he have someone else ?

It sounds like he's checked out of the intimacy part of your marriage.

Can you pinpoint when the relationship changed if it used to be better?

I think it started going downhill when we started having problems in the bedroom. He started suffering from ED and it just got less frequent. Probably down to a few times a year and even that feels awkward now.

No chance he has anyone else, both wfh and he hardly ever goes out without me. I doubt he could be bothered to make the effort either.

I think I feel like if I show appreciation or affection it leaves me vulnerable. Which is counter productive as it could potentially improve our relationship but I just feel like I want to hide.

You have to be brave and let down your defenses to openly talk, it sounds as though you need to connect again and both of you are frightened.

If it feels shit & it's becoming unbearable something's got to change OP.

If its too hard to start a conversation with your DH right now, would you be willing to speak to someone about how you feel?

When you know what you want or need, it might make it easier to ask for it.

You've got one life, op, and you're sleepwalking through yours. You need to make big changes, because him being the only one who's content doesn't make a marriage.

I know. I think I'd benefit from counselling, even if it's on my own but A. It's expensive and B. I'd struggle to make the time (I'd have to travel to the nearest city so it would be two hours out of my day). I can't do zoom appointments because he's always here, I get no privacy at home.

Remember you have choices. You can leave. Or you can try to improve things. Or you can stay as you are and learn to accept it, which sounds like a current choice that is making you unhappy.

Is your partner aggressive towards you or dismissive and belittling of you? Or does he try to make you happy? It's odd that you say if he is nice to you you feel unable to respond. That suggests the breakdown in the marriage is on both sides. If he is basically a good, nice man who you still love deep down, I'd make a massive effort (and expect him to, too,) to work things through.

Could you ask him out for a walk one day or sit over coffee and say that you feel your marriage has lost its way and been off-track for a long time and you want to know how he feels about this and if he has any desire to put the effort in to try to rekindle the emotional and physical closeness, the fun, support, love and respect that is necessary.

There's all the obvious stuff, of rediscovering things in common, activities you used to love together, things that make you laugh, as well as current and future mutual projects that excite and bond you. But you need to discuss these and genuinely want them, not just use them as distracting delay tactics for facing the root of the problem. At some point you do need to ask whether the ED distresses him and whether he'd like a better sex life with you. Tough discussion but no point pretending it isn't an issue for both of you.

You would really benefit from counselling and two different friends of mine did it in their car over Zoom during Covid. I also did it over Zoom through my work support system and asked my dh to leave for the hour. He just went off for a coffee or something. It's doable.

I did counselling over zoom in my car sat on my driveway. Really recommend

Counselling over zoom you can do on nhs via gp referral you might also get it with work. You can do it in the car, or just tell him you're doing it and ask him to leave the house or go in the garden then?

Appreciating people - men especially need this they love to feel useful and needed. Start small - maybe one thing a day tell him something even as small as 'you always make my cup of tea just right thank you' or 'I'm so glad you're not a big drinker like x's husband I would worry so much if you were' or 'how was your run? It's so good that you have that habit it's so important to take care of ourselves isnt it'

ED - I have experienced this in a relationship and it really went down hill. He wasn't good at talking about it and I found it frustrating he wouldn't do anything else sexual whereas when I'm on my period I still will (I know it's a bit different as periods are temporary). The appreciating/words of affirmation will help I think as he probably feels totally useless.

Just remember that just because he's not totally horrid doesn't mean you have to stay in this relationship

Also the 'he's always here' have also experienced that and it's such an attraction killer. Try and get out of the house yourself even to a gym. Ask him how he finds his home alone time. Hopefully he'll say fine or nice and relaxing (not I missed you it was terrible!) and this can lead in nicely to you saying you love him but you kind of miss chilling in the flat alone sometimes and also that would allow you to miss him a bit does he think he could sometimes go out and see a friend or run some errands or do some exercise outside of the house so you can have some mooching around time?

Is your partner aggressive towards you or dismissive and belittling of you? Or does he try to make you happy? It's odd that you say if he is nice to you you feel unable to respond. That suggests the breakdown in the marriage is on both sides. If he is basically a good, nice man who you still love deep down, I'd make a massive effort (and expect him to, too,) to work things through.

No, he's not aggressive or dismissive. I think for 20 years I gave everything I've got to the marriage, and it started to fall apart because of his ED affecting the intimacy. I was convinced it was down to porn use and said if he didn't address it, the intimacy in our marriage would fizzle out. He was more interested in defending his right to watch porn than saving that side of our marriage so I gradually withdrew because I couldn't cope with the rejection, and I think that's where the issues are rooted.
He doesn't watch it anymore, he seems to have lost interest/libido altogether.
Honestly I don't know if I love him deep down or not, my feelings have been suppressed for so long. I actually think I kept telling myself I didn't love him, and trying to focus on his faults, because that made it easier not to want the intimacy I wasn't getting, if that makes sense.
It's a right mess really.

Correct, the pandemic did us no favours as both jobs switched to WFH full time.

I do go out a fair amount, I go walking, to the gym, see friends etc.

You are in a relationship in which you feel invisible and ‘not there’ as a person to your P. That has made you disappear to yourself too/ retreat into yourself. You are left with deadened feelings which still allow unhappiness as an underlying base.

This relationship is dead. Don’t flog it. Plan a way out and start to find your way back to yourself.

It feels like you. It's quiet quit the marriage

If only it was that simple.

I don't want to quit the marriage. We do have things in common, and he's not a bad person. The upheaval would be too much to cope with I think.

Maybe I just need to make counselling work for me (in the logistics sense) and take it from there.

So he chose porn over you. HE quit the marriage already. You literally gave him the ultimatum and he chose porn.

You talk about how you still have things in common and how he's not a bad person.

But: He chose porn over his wife.
Pretty shitty person really.

You also say leaving would be an upheaval...
But: Do you still love him?

Your husband sounds pretty unhappy too tbh, are you sure he's content? Have you tried asking him if he's happy? You might be surprised by the answer. Do you ever talk about your future together, your goals, what you want from life? You both sound stuck in the status quo.
I don't think your relationship sounds totally unrecoverable - it might be, it might not be. Counselling would help you work out whether you want to do the work to try to salvage it or not. You actually might benefit from sex therapy - which I know sounds a bit swinging-from-the-chandeliers but is not that at all, it's exactly for people with struggles like yours.

You dont say how old you are.,But married 20 odd years. so about late 40 early 50 maybe? Marriages often fall apart around this time .Many marriages carry on like this ,but it sounds as though you have grown apart.Would you consider Counselling at all? You can go alone to talk about how you feel then see if DH would go.Chances are hes probably not feeling happy either .

I get the impression he's quite content as long as we aren't arguing and I'm remaining fairly upbeat (which I find hard to do because I'm unhappy)

He very much buries his head in the sand and I think he would just love me to accept/embrace a celibate marriage and just appreciate what we've got - mainly financial security and happy independent dc (who've left home). However, the situation affects me a great deal.

I definitely think counselling would be helpful, for me first to work out my feelings then perhaps for both of us.