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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do I feel guilty?

18 replies

namechange01038 · 07/08/2023 22:38

I have been with my partner for 9 years, I have a child from previous relationship and we have a 2 year old together.
The relationship has never been perfect and if I'm honest I can never remember feeling truly happy with him. Stupid I know to continue the relationship and have a child but that's where I am at.

I tried to leave him a few years ago, but he wouldn't leave me alone and gave all the threats of killing himself and just guilted me in any way possible until I got back with him.

Recently I was speaking to my GP who
Said she thought there was emotional abuse. I told her about the way he is with me, often calling me nasty names when I don't do things he wants me to do, or sits and makes stupid moaning noises and pulling faces at me until I give in and do as he asks. He never does anything what so ever to help around the home and he doesn't help with the kids at all. He works 4 to 5 hours a day and spends the rest of the time laid on the sofa, drinking beer, watching tv or YouTube. He constantly complains he never gets anything he wants, currently wants something that cost £500 we are due to move soon so that's going to be an expense. I say we can't afford what he wants at the moment, he just keeps going on and on at me saying I'm being nasty to him. I'm not letting him have what he wants, I don't know how he thinks I can magic up money. This is what he always does and keeps going til eventually he gets what he wants.

I feel like I am cracking up with him, he acts like a spoilt child and everything has to be what he wants and it doesn't matter about the rest of us. Tonight I mentioned him watching or son one night next week while I go out with friends (I never go out) he complained why should he? And tried to guilt me for wanting to go out once.

I so desperately want to leave but I just feel guilty at the thought of leaving him as he always says he doesn't know how he would survive without me. How do I stop myself feeling so guilty?

OP posts:
dimpleknee · 07/08/2023 22:45

What do you feel guilty about?

It is hard to get used to the fact that your kids won't have their Mum and Dad together in the ideal family unit but when the alternative is worse...

But don't feel guilt towards him- he is grown adult, responsible for his own actions.

Original poster
namechange01038 · 07/08/2023 23:01

I feel a mixture of guilt of breaking up a family home and then I feel guilty to him, thinking what if he can't survive because I do literally have to do everything for him, like he is a child.

Also feel scared of what will follow a split, the none stop hassling me and having to try agree on him seeing our son. It was hard enough splitting up with him before I had a child with him, so this time round will be even worse. I feel like am trapped in the relationship.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 07/08/2023 23:09

namechange01038 · 07/08/2023 22:38

I have been with my partner for 9 years, I have a child from previous relationship and we have a 2 year old together.
The relationship has never been perfect and if I'm honest I can never remember feeling truly happy with him. Stupid I know to continue the relationship and have a child but that's where I am at.

I tried to leave him a few years ago, but he wouldn't leave me alone and gave all the threats of killing himself and just guilted me in any way possible until I got back with him.

Recently I was speaking to my GP who
Said she thought there was emotional abuse. I told her about the way he is with me, often calling me nasty names when I don't do things he wants me to do, or sits and makes stupid moaning noises and pulling faces at me until I give in and do as he asks. He never does anything what so ever to help around the home and he doesn't help with the kids at all. He works 4 to 5 hours a day and spends the rest of the time laid on the sofa, drinking beer, watching tv or YouTube. He constantly complains he never gets anything he wants, currently wants something that cost £500 we are due to move soon so that's going to be an expense. I say we can't afford what he wants at the moment, he just keeps going on and on at me saying I'm being nasty to him. I'm not letting him have what he wants, I don't know how he thinks I can magic up money. This is what he always does and keeps going til eventually he gets what he wants.

I feel like I am cracking up with him, he acts like a spoilt child and everything has to be what he wants and it doesn't matter about the rest of us. Tonight I mentioned him watching or son one night next week while I go out with friends (I never go out) he complained why should he? And tried to guilt me for wanting to go out once.

I so desperately want to leave but I just feel guilty at the thought of leaving him as he always says he doesn't know how he would survive without me. How do I stop myself feeling so guilty?

The way you don't feel guilty is by remembering every minute of every day that he knows exactly what he's doing in keeping you where you are - under his heel.

He's a scum bag for emotionally abusing you and behaving in the way he has. You deserve better whether that's being in your own for a bit or meeting someone else. And your dc deserves better than a slob who emotionally abuses their mum.

If it helps to make the change that is needed i.e. booting him out, see it this way: your relationship is a model for your dc. Show your dc how women should deal with shitheads who take advantage of their (your!!) good nature.

continentallentil · 07/08/2023 23:13

You aren’t trapped OP but that’s not to say it’s not really hard to leave an abusive relationship - it is.

Contact women’s aid as a starting point.

And be logical with yourself. Of course he’ll survive, your kids will be much better off without him in the house, and while he may be a PITA for a bit, it won’t be long before he attaches himself to someone else.

You deserve better but if you can’t do it for you, do it for your kids.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/08/2023 23:15

Do you know something, those threats of suicide in this sort of situation, when a woman wants to leave, are usually followed by them saying they have somebody new. It usually takes up to a month.

You have the ideal way out now because you're moving house. Just don't move into one with him.

Mmhmmn · 07/08/2023 23:20

Can you tell your family or friends about this? Is there someone who you think could be helpful and supportive in helping you to end the relationship?

It makes it more real if you tell people IRL (obvs the GP is sworn to confidentiality so that's different but I'm glad you told them as that is the start). I think others knowing could help and motivate and support you in ending the relationship which is so obviously bad for you.

Mmhmmn · 07/08/2023 23:22

continentallentil · 07/08/2023 23:13

You aren’t trapped OP but that’s not to say it’s not really hard to leave an abusive relationship - it is.

Contact women’s aid as a starting point.

And be logical with yourself. Of course he’ll survive, your kids will be much better off without him in the house, and while he may be a PITA for a bit, it won’t be long before he attaches himself to someone else.

You deserve better but if you can’t do it for you, do it for your kids.

Totally this. He'll clean up his act for long enough to ensnare a new unsuspecting woman. Men like this always do.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 09:05

namechange01038 · 07/08/2023 23:01

I feel a mixture of guilt of breaking up a family home and then I feel guilty to him, thinking what if he can't survive because I do literally have to do everything for him, like he is a child.

Also feel scared of what will follow a split, the none stop hassling me and having to try agree on him seeing our son. It was hard enough splitting up with him before I had a child with him, so this time round will be even worse. I feel like am trapped in the relationship.

Think of it this way- he would never, ever, ever stay with you out of guilt or altruism or kindness if he wasn't benefiting from the relationship I promise you. Don't sacrifice your one life and your happiness for this selfish man child. He needs to grow up and leaving him might help him to do it- you're currently an enabler. Run away!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 09:06

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/08/2023 23:15

Do you know something, those threats of suicide in this sort of situation, when a woman wants to leave, are usually followed by them saying they have somebody new. It usually takes up to a month.

You have the ideal way out now because you're moving house. Just don't move into one with him.

Agreed

Darhon · 08/08/2023 09:21

If he’s just started to face up to trauma, he will be feeling very uncertain and unsure about everything. The Dom/sub relationship may also be triggering in terms of a very unequal power dynamic when he was younger. It sounds like he needs space and counselling, which he is getting.

You need to decide if you want to stay and support him - it may be a difficult 1-2 years as he processes things. Or move on. That’s the reality. It may also be that he can’t go back to the sex life and dynamic you had.

JibbaJab · 08/08/2023 10:28

The fallout from emotional and psychological abuse is you are stripped of your self esteem, confidence and doubt yourself. Along with this as it's not always consistent and runs in cycles of good and bad, you see good in them and want to believe it. You come to welcome the highs after the lows, even though those highs aren't high at all.

Hard to explain but it's like a part of you knows it's not right and they treat you badly but another part of you can't let go, stop caring or worrying about them and you stay. It's a trauma bond and it can be intense and hard to break.

Similar to you I did everything, they literally could not survive without me and I did that for over a decade. I felt my gut warning me but I didn't listen and I knew it wasn't a fair or healthy relationship so I just took it all on the chin hoping one day would get better.

Only over time it got worse and in the end I was so lost I ended up trapped only to be forced out during a rage episode. Funny thing, suddenly capable of surviving on their own over night, doing everything that I had to and they couldn't do all that time.

For a good while it was hard it was like an addiction, constantly worrying are they okay, feeling guilty, did I do something, what if. Only, I didn't do anything and during this time they are continuing to abuse me in other ways and they aren't phased at all, happily plodding on not a care in the world as if I never existed.

I mean from what you've said so far it looks like emotional abuse and I would be wary, especially if someone who threatens suicide. That's not on you to burden whether it's real or not and your not to blame for their behavior either.

anotherdisaster · 08/08/2023 11:54

He wants you to feel guilty so he can continue to be a cocklodger. He literally does nothing to help you at all so I'm not sure what you even get out of this relationship. What better way to stop someone leaving that by threatening suicide! He knows exactly what he;s doing. If he really cared about you leaving him, he would actually make an effort to be a kind and caring partner, not threatening to kill himself.

Original poster
namechange01038 · 08/08/2023 12:42

Thank you all for the responses. When I think logically I know the best thing for me and my kids is to leave him. I need to switch off from the emotional side and listening to his threats of killing himself. I know deep down he does that to guilt me and make me stay but I let myself worry about what it he did do that.

OP posts:
MrsSiriusBlack1 · 08/08/2023 12:47

He won’t kill himself, he’s manipulating you. You and your kids deserve better than this surely? He sounds absolutely bloody awful and you have no need whatsoever to feel guilty!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 14:14

namechange01038 · 08/08/2023 12:42

Thank you all for the responses. When I think logically I know the best thing for me and my kids is to leave him. I need to switch off from the emotional side and listening to his threats of killing himself. I know deep down he does that to guilt me and make me stay but I let myself worry about what it he did do that.

He won't. He will find someone else to attach to and leech off for sure- 'my ex took my child away I'm so sad I'm such a good guy' will work on some other poor woman. He'll be fine. Look After yourself and your kids x

Original poster
namechange01038 · 08/08/2023 19:58

Yes mostly likely right, he will no doubt soon find the the next poor woman and play the victim with her. He did that to me in regards to his ex when we got together.

OP posts:
AlmostTotallyFake · 08/08/2023 21:22

Why do you think he can't survive without you? He managed perfectly well before you arrived on the scene and he will managed again after you have gone.
He's just being a drama llama and pulling your strings.

Echobelly · 08/08/2023 21:24

You feel guilty because he's conditioned you to feel guilty and responsible, but he's a grown man and can be responsible for himself and he will just have to bloody well cope without you. As others have said, he'll probably find someone else to use in short order.

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