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Relationships

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Original poster

Do most people just settle in the end?

20 replies

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 07/08/2023 17:24

Just curious, do a lot of people just settle for their long term relationships?

As in, wanted kids and it was the right time, decided they didn't want to be alone and the person they were with would do, fell pregnant & decided to make a go of it, felt left out when everyone else was settling down etc., tolerated crap instead of being alone or did most people genuinely fall in love and are totally happy?

OP posts:

pbdr · 07/08/2023 17:29

I think most people are something in between. My relationship isn't perfect, but is does that mean I "settled", or does it just mean that humans aren't perfect and if I waited to find a flawless partner (despite all of my own flaws) I'd never find one? I certainly do love him very very much, and all of the important stuff is there, even if he's not perfect in every way.
I try to be forgiving of his shortcomings and he is forgiving of mine. We make a great team.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 07/08/2023 17:31

I don't think anyone in the world is totally happy in their relationship all the time, and everyone has periods of time where they're happier than others, but where do you draw the line at "settling"

Me and DP probably wouldn't have lasted the 16 years we have if we hadn't had an unexpected baby. I wasn't ready to settle down, and she probably was, so we'd probably have not have lasted much longer. So we made it work. But I don't consider that I've settled. I love her and she loves me, and while we're probably not each others perfect person, we're enough for each other.

Dacadactyl · 07/08/2023 17:34

No one with a modicum of good sense would "tolerate crap instead of being alone", nor would they bring kids into a relationship that was already going to shit. So, if these are your circumstances, you are not "settling" but self sabotaging your own chance of happiness.

I think of settling as maybe getting to your mid 30s and finding a decent guy, with similar values who you could see yourself reasonably happy with, but who doesn't set your whole world alight.

I'm not perfect and nor is my husband, but we get along well together and like the first poster said we make a good team

MMmomDD · 07/08/2023 17:38

If by ‘settling’ you mean - accepting the realities of life - say that fertility isn’t limitless; and princes on white horses aren’t whisking us away to sunsets like they do in movies - yes.
Most people who form relationships as grown ups - do mostly ‘settle’ for normal people and good solid relationships.

But it’s not your question, really?

Is the question more a rant about unfairness of life?

truthhurts23 · 07/08/2023 17:38

yes . and if you feel like you havent , its because your partner has

SleepingStandingUp · 07/08/2023 17:39

Settling can absolutely mean putting up with shot just to have a guy who'll get you pregnant and hang around.
But I think it can also just mean readjusting some criteria. I think I'm in this criteria. I was more tolerant of the little things that might rule a guy out when you're 21 and can pick and choose but only to give them time to see if they were icebergs or snow flakes. I still wouldn't have tolerated being treated like shit but I concede given the speed of movement in our relationship, it wasl luck and much as judgement.
But yes, I love him, he's a good dad and husband, I think we'll last

NeverMrsAgain · 07/08/2023 17:39

Nah. I married for love. Unfortunately he turned into a shit and then a complete monster after we had kids.

I may have been better off if I had settled.

caringcarer · 07/08/2023 18:12

I wouldn't have married unless I was madly in love. Children came after marriage. You get only 1 life, why settle?

AutumnalPumpkin · 07/08/2023 18:17

Nothing will ever be completely perfect in a relationship, you just have to find the person that you're happy with enough to put up with their 'ways' 😆

Ohjustboreoff · 07/08/2023 18:44

I didn't exactly settle but got pregnant with my DH when I was 41. It was a surprise as I hadn't used BC for 20 years thinking I was infertile (Drs had confirmed infertility with previous partner)
I know 100% I wouldn't be with him if I had no children but i survived a divorced family and I couldn't do that to my kids knowing how it effected me. So I'm existing at the moment, not happy but not sad either. I don't know what the future holds atm

fatherfintanstack · 07/08/2023 18:59

I haven't but was really considering it as am in my 30s, want kids but hadn't meet quite the right man in the right circumstances until hopefully now.

I think if I had met someone who was a 'close enough' match then I would probably have settled down but that didn't happen. I just couldn't feel even 'enough' compatibility with anyone until my current partner. There were a few potentials with but either practicalities got in the way for which I am now glad, or it went a bit weird.

I think it's largely my personality and ADHD that prevented it in that I find it hard to maintain social and romantic relationships unless we really click (I have had great relationships previously and have plenty of very good friends but not loads of more casual mates). I think I would personally find it very difficult to put the work in and rub along with someone not on my wavelength even if they were a decent man.

I imagine there are a lot of cases of settling a bit. Nobody is perfect and many people are happier in company than without. I think it would be unusual if all long term married couples were 'soulmates' as realistically we only have so many to choose from in terms of who we meet, whether they are interested and available. it's probably more a case of growing into one another over time which is very personal and a result of effort being made.

Rainydays777 · 08/08/2023 07:04

Most people I know happened to just marry whoever they were with at the time in their early thirties.

all the men that ‘settled’ went on to have affairs….

I think true love is very rare.

Imafirework · 08/08/2023 14:28

I settled for my first husband as I was nearly 30 and the biological clock was ticking!
I thought I was happy but when he left me for someone else I wasn't as devastated as I should have been. It was a bit of a relief.
This time round I am genuinely in love with DH and although he can be a pain in the arse I would be truly heartbroken if it ended

ManonDe · 08/08/2023 14:33

Interesting....

Both DH and I were on the rebound when we met. We started dating and mainly just moaned about how heartbroken we were.

That took a while (during which time we started sleeping together as well and still mostly talked about how we missed our exes).

Then after some years we realised we were actually madly in love. Actually- not madly, but comfortably in love. And we got married. And had kids. And have been together 23 years and say to each other (genuinely) that we are the love of each other's lives.

It's not a traditional path, but I feel blessed and grateful every day for him.

I do consider it a great romantic story though.

Somanycats · 08/08/2023 14:40

Every single person settles. DH was physically attractive, good at sex, earned a decent salary, and very kind plus I loved him. So I settled and married him. Ideally I would have held out for someone who had all those qualities plus spoke russian, which he doesn't. Which is a bit of a bummer, but there you go, can't have it all.

SamW98 · 08/08/2023 15:07

Don’t we all settle in some way? I’m not someone who really believes in soulmates and fairy tale love.
I think there’s people we are compatible with, you meet one of those at a time that’s right and you make things work between you. Love for me is about mutual respect, understanding and compromise not hearts and flowers.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/08/2023 15:14

I was prepared to be single for long periods and prepared to not have children. Other women aren't. To various degrees. There are also various degrees of luck.

And what settling means. I had to uproot my life and move to be with DH, I didn't 'settle' with aspects of him but aspects of the situation, I did.

InBedBy10 · 08/08/2023 15:29

caringcarer · 07/08/2023 18:12

I wouldn't have married unless I was madly in love. Children came after marriage. You get only 1 life, why settle?

@caringcarer easy to say when you've been lucky enough to find love. It doesn't happen for everyone. In fact I've seen enough bad relationships to know true love is very very rare.

I married for love and was really happy for 10 years. Then the rot set in. Life happens, people change, love fades... then I settled as I chose to stay in a relationship that wasn't great, it wasnt bad either to be fair. It was OK and that was enough to keep my children's family together.

Lasted another 10years before finally splitting.

80s · 08/08/2023 15:34

Based on your definition:

wanted kids and it was the right time
decided they didn't want to be alone and the person they were with would do
fell pregnant & decided to make a go of it
felt left out when everyone else was settling down etc.
tolerated crap instead of being alone

No, none of those things for me. In retrospect, maybe my husband felt he was setling? I'm not sure, but have since realised he's not good at being alone and likes a live-in servant. I didn't think he felt that way at the time.

But I still could have found a much more compatible partner and had a better marriage. At the time I thought it was a great package :D but looking back, I was wrong! Lack of experience and knowledge.

Luxembourgmama · 08/08/2023 15:40

I had settled and then he had the neck to break up with me! Then I was probably ready to settle again and was getting rejected by fairly shite guys but miraculously I met my husband who is amazing. I still pinch myself regularly to see if this is actually real life

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