Guilt over the partner gossiping

[Froginthesquare]

I’ve caused an awkward situation and I feel immense guilt for it.
I had some issues with my partner recently where I felt very depressed as a result and only had one person to confide in. I told her a lot of personal stuff mid rant and felt a lot better for offloading. She was supportive and gave good advice, so when I feel down I know I can go to her as she does with me about her partner often too.
She has now began using offensive names towards my partner and clearly doesn’t like him or respect him based on what I have said. She is nice in front of him and they get on well, but clearly my ranting has changed her perception of him.
To add none of it was bad, just silly things that rub me up the wrong way and nothing for me to LTB over like abuse etc.
I now feel so awful that she sees my partner like this and calls him names. I don’t know how to tell her to stop without contradicting myself as it was my fault I ranted to her about private stuff to begin with and now she is using it against him.
My partner is unaware that she does this or that she even knows private things about him or our relationship. He’s a lovely sweet man who wouldn’t hurt a fly and I feel awful every time I look at him that his private business is now out there because of me being angry.
He’ll be so hurt if he knew I told anyone or kept my true feelings to myself all this time. If I confess then it will cause a huge divide and make things much more awkward when we’re all together, which is very often as we’re a close family.
I take full responsibility for what I’ve done and that I can’t take it back, but I don’t know how to proceed from here.
I just had a message where she is calling him a dumb f*ck for putting the cutlery in the wrong drawer when she visited last night. Completely uncalled for and gone too far from our typical male rants we began with. I’ve never spoken about her partner in a derogatory way, even though he doesn’t work and spends all day on his PlayStation living with her rent free, which she complains about daily, I’m still polite about him and wouldn’t dare judge or name call. What do I do?

I think there’s no need to tell your partner any of this first and foremost. Take it as a lesson learned and move on. Just how detailed were you, and just how much could they detail hurt his life if it came out? Hopefully it was only minor things you said. I had something happen once where I confided in who I thought was a friend; but who was in actual fact the biggest gossip known to man, which I found out when my boyfriend told me to my face what I had said about him, it went full circle through his group and got back to him. I learned a really tough lesson that day and I know how you feel. I think you should ask her to stop calling him such things. Just tell her that yes you did say things in anger when you were annoyed or frustrated , but that the name calling is uncalled for. Ask her how she would like it if you said such things about her other half. Put herself in your shoes. If it continues; every time she says a word you don’t like tell her. If she messages you something like the cutlery issue just don’t reply. Soon enough she will get the message.

By the sounds of it you've just over shared. We've all done it. If all you have given her is negatives then the only perception she has is negative. Just try and be more positive about him from now on.

Just tell her that although your relationship isn't perfect, you don't like her calling him names to you and it makes you regret telling her.

Hi @Froginthesquare
i think don't confide in your friend about your partner anymore. Also, ignore her comments which i know will be difficult. Speak positively about your partner from now on to your friend and slowly she'll start to stop with the comments xx

Thanks everyone, yes I definitely won’t confide in her again.
He would be embarrassed and annoyed but it wouldn’t ruin his life for example, it wouldn’t get back to him via gossip as we don’t share the same circle of friends.
I thought I could trust her but lesson learned that I said too much in frustration and it has backfired.
Will the guilt eat me up is the question, as I struggle to let go of remorse easily as he didn’t deserve some of the comments, never mind the name calling.

Tell your friend exactly that - he didn't deserve some of the comments, you just were having a bit of a rant to her and went too far...and so did she, calling him names.

I did the same with my best friend, and when he started making nasty comments about my boyfriend I told him in no uncertain terms that only I was allowed to. Nowadays if I feel he's even approaching going too far I tell him to knock it off.