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Original poster

How do i tell my friend without dropping my daughter in it.

28 replies

Emmamc1984 · 07/08/2023 16:15

My 35 year old friend has recently started a new relationship with a much younger man. My teenage daughter recently saw him at a party and he didnt have many nice things to say about my friend and he also began making comments of a flirty nature towards my daughter. How do i tell my friend he is only using her for somewhere to stay without dropping my daughter in it as being the one who told me as it may cause bother for my daughter.

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 07/08/2023 16:17

Depends if you want the friendship to last - she is hardly likely to thank you for hearing something so embarrassing and may even not believe you/your DD. Think I'd keep quiet and let her find out for herself what a douchebag he is - it will become apparent soon enough.

Rockyroad101 · 07/08/2023 17:09

I’d say nothing, time will let him show his true colors. As PP said, it could end badly for both you and your daughter as if this is a good friend and she’s smitten, she will more than likely take his side, I’ve seen it happen many times before: even if she confronts him, he will lie his way out of it and she could want to believe the lie and so let him off the hook.

LainyMainyWainy · 07/08/2023 17:11

She will probably end up thinking your daughter or you are jealous or your daughter is after him.
I agree with others, stay out of it. People usually shoot the messenger.

Theimpossiblegirl · 07/08/2023 17:13

I would take the risk and tell her. I'd want to know in her shoes. If she chooses not to believe you, that's on her then. Just make sure your daughter knows you are telling her.

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 07/08/2023 17:16

Theimpossiblegirl · 07/08/2023 17:13

I would take the risk and tell her. I'd want to know in her shoes. If she chooses not to believe you, that's on her then. Just make sure your daughter knows you are telling her.

I’d do this.

If you don’t tell her and she finds out later that you knew, that’s unforgivable isn’t it?

Did your daughter know who he was at the party? Is she likely to see him again or is their only connection via your friend?

CurlewKate · 07/08/2023 17:20

I'd tell her. Why were they both at the party?

CurlewKate · 07/08/2023 17:22

But I might leave out the bit about him being flirty with your dd-just say she saw him being flirty with other people....

BiscuitsandPuffin · 07/08/2023 17:25

Sorry if she's going to be difficult and blame your daughter for her bloke being emotionally incontinent then she's not a good friend, in which case don't bother telling her anything.

Bookworm20 · 07/08/2023 17:35

Send her a message along the lines of, 'oh (friend) I'm so sorry to hear you guys broke up. DD's mate told me what a knob he was being about you at the party and all over that girl. I'm here if you want to talk, need anything'.

The dd's mate can be some random name you make up, some fake friend who was visiting and staying with you or something and you were all 3 talking about the party and it came up.

MissHoollie · 07/08/2023 17:37

I would stay out of it .

Branleuse · 07/08/2023 17:39

If its a close friend then id tell her shes being played

ToughFuss · 07/08/2023 17:40

If she’s daft enough to go with a teenager or close to (assuming, given the age of your daughter and their being at a party together) then I’d argue she can’t really be surprised if it all ends in tears tbh. It’s pretty grim on her part.

Fiddlerdragon · 07/08/2023 17:40

CurlewKate · 07/08/2023 17:22

But I might leave out the bit about him being flirty with your dd-just say she saw him being flirty with other people....

I’d definitely leave out the flirty bit. I wouldn’t even say he was flirting with other people because she’ll want to know every single detail of what was seen and with who. It’s nice you’re looking out for your friend, but in cases like this upset women tend to shoot the messenger, and your daughter will be in the firing line.

ToughFuss · 07/08/2023 17:42

Bookworm20 · 07/08/2023 17:35

Send her a message along the lines of, 'oh (friend) I'm so sorry to hear you guys broke up. DD's mate told me what a knob he was being about you at the party and all over that girl. I'm here if you want to talk, need anything'.

The dd's mate can be some random name you make up, some fake friend who was visiting and staying with you or something and you were all 3 talking about the party and it came up.

This is a very good way to go about it, if you want to tho.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/08/2023 17:42

ToughFuss · 07/08/2023 17:40

If she’s daft enough to go with a teenager or close to (assuming, given the age of your daughter and their being at a party together) then I’d argue she can’t really be surprised if it all ends in tears tbh. It’s pretty grim on her part.

he didnt have many nice things to say about my friend

Is that her fault as well?

ToughFuss · 07/08/2023 17:50

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/08/2023 17:42

he didnt have many nice things to say about my friend

Is that her fault as well?

Show quote history

I wouldn’t say her fault exactly, no, but a very young man turns out to be an immature twat.. not exactly a shock, surely? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I’d say the same about an older man being messed about by a very young woman too.

Merapi · 07/08/2023 17:50

How old is your daughter?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/08/2023 17:52

I wouldn’t say her fault exactly, no, but a very young man turns out to be an immature twat.. not exactly a shock, surely? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes

Got it. The 'well, you went out in a short skirt, what did you expect?' defence.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 07/08/2023 17:53

Why would it cause problems with your daughter? The only way it would is if she slept with him knowing he was in a relationship. Otherwise she is not responsible for what he says or does.

ToughFuss · 07/08/2023 17:54

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/08/2023 17:52

I wouldn’t say her fault exactly, no, but a very young man turns out to be an immature twat.. not exactly a shock, surely? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes

Got it. The 'well, you went out in a short skirt, what did you expect?' defence.

Oh behave 🙄

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/08/2023 18:05

ToughFuss · 07/08/2023 17:54

Oh behave 🙄

Show quote history

What a stunning riposte. There's absolutely no answer to a comeback as well thought out as that one.

Original poster
Emmamc1984 · 07/08/2023 18:40

My daughter is a few months off being 18 and he is 25.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmamc1984 · 07/08/2023 18:42

Merapi · 07/08/2023 17:50

How old is your daughter?

She is nearly 18 and he is 25 so unsure why he was at the same party think he knew a few others who were there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmamc1984 · 07/08/2023 18:44

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 07/08/2023 17:53

Why would it cause problems with your daughter? The only way it would is if she slept with him knowing he was in a relationship. Otherwise she is not responsible for what he says or does.

Because she thinks he will give her stick for letting people know what he was up to and i just dont want her getting any agro from anybody.

OP posts:
Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 07/08/2023 18:54

Surely you contact the police if he gives anyone any aggro and let them deal with it? That’s no reason at all not to tell a friend, someone you care about, what a user and abuser the guy they’re dating is.