Mother in law, that is a mother of sons, help

[KJ1992]

I am not overly sure why I wanted to share this, I guess I am looking for some genuine feedback. I am on a journey of self awareness myself so I am really up for seeing things from my MIL point of view. My patience is wearing thin after years of it, but I am trying.

Situation history:

• I met my partner at school, we were on and off until I got with my first permanent bf when I was 17/18, whom I went onto have a child with at 19
• We broke up at 21, and I moved back to my hometown (where current partner lived)
• We got together (2016) and have been together since, we went on to have a daughter in 2018 and thats when the real issues with MIL started, her first Grandchild just set her off
• By Christmas of 2018 (had daughter in Jan), I was for the first time at my wits end with the explosive reactions, slagging me off to my relatives, making unfair digs and being distant and moody. So I sent her a message that was very warm but explained how I was feeling. I guess looking back should I have done it face to face, yes, but she had been so moody and snappy I was intimated. Partner was upset that I was upset, but it became clear he was scared to hold her accountable for her actions due to her explosive reactions / defensiveness. His whole life it turned out him and his brother had walked on egg shells not to upset her.
• She summoned me round to discuss the message and when I arrived I explained how I hope we can have the relationship were if either are upset we can talk it through, not the digs / frosty atmosphere / back biting etc. This is where I first spotted the narcissism. She was not willing to listen to a single thing she had done wrong, she told me how dare I speak to her like this, she went on to tell me a story of how one of her friends had upset her and she had 'filled her in'. So I retreated, I plastered over it and tried to move on.
• As you can imagine these circumstances just carried on happening, as she felt she wanted to control our little family. As I gently pushed against it her anger turned towards my Mum. My Mum had welcomed her with open arms and they would even go out drinking as couples, she even went to my Mums for NYE 31/12/18. So we were shocked when the comments about my Mum started. Each time I would spend time with my Mum she would take the huff, and even have ago to my partner about it. But as you can imagine the more she did this the less time I wanted to spend with her, so after many arguments in our home he (being my partner) said he would to speak to her about it and get it cleared up (mid 2019).
• He did bless him, go to see her armed with what he hoped would be the conversation to end all of this, and he was met again with an explosion. She would not hear of it that she was being that way, and quickly came out with pure delusions that my Mum was taking her Son off her. Not me? My Mum?
• Now there isn't enough time today to sit here and give an account of each thing she did or said after this, but it just hasn't stopped since. Last year (2022) we started with a couples therapist to help us navigate it, and some other issues we have (no one grows up without some sort of scars do they). But unfortunately the sessions are just about her most of the time. Partner has now seen the reasons he is like he is, and sees the trauma she's caused growing up and what upset and pressure she is putting on our relationship now.
• With all the years of this in March of this year (23) I decided to go no contact with her, I was getting near panic attacks are her latest blow up and needed to self preserve. He was totally behind me doing this, and I stressed how it wasn't to be known by the kids or effect her relationship with them (because she is a good Grannie - she really is).
• Now in Aug 23 we are feeling quite heeled as a couple and ready to book our wedding (engaged in 22 and she caused a mass upset at the engagement party no shock there though!). With this in mind partner went to see her RE trying to draw a line on all this drama so me and her and her could start fresh. I will in the wedding bubble so was willing to put the past behind us and look forward. She wasn't as defensive as previous conversations so he felt hopeful, and we agreed to meet at the weekend at someones house casually so it was not awkward.
• Weekend came, we arrived with the children at the relatives house and she did not appear. The house phone rang and she asked for my partner, she then went into an explosive rant about me. Again a really delusion situation that very much made the narrative I am horrible and she is this poor victim. He hung up and we left, he looked wiped out and drained with the start of another drama. The onset of massive ranty texts had started and it was just awful. She also knew we was due to see wedding venues this weekend and was excited, well that excitement was just gone.
• I decided to speak up, as I hadn't since 2018, and I sent the nicest message you have ever read to someone who has treat us like this for years. She came back with that no one makes her feel as low as I do, and she wants to go to sleep and never wake up. So obviously I was freaking out that she was going to do something stupid, I got partner to message his Dad and he said she was staying at her sisters. Partner then admitted it was not the first time she had made reference to ending her life when things are not going her way!! I could not believe it!!
• At midnight she text him saying 'I will love you forever, don't forget it' or something to that effect. He jumped out of bed and text her asking where she was, she was reading the messages and not replying. So he called her, she was very drunk and actually sounded fairly remorseful. She said she wants a relationship with me, and she will apologise for things she's said about me in the past etc. He said she was repeating herself and clearly safe so he said goodnight and ended the call.
• Sunday morning we were feeling hopeful after that call, and was going to approach for a meeting to sort this. We were going to leave her to sleep it off and speak to her after the wedding venue viewing we had booked. She sent a huge and not nice text to me proving that she has was not listening to any points we have raised and is still very much in the belief she is a victim and I am 'stamping all over her' as she put it.

I guess if you have got this far into my vent/rant/out pour you will be maybe willing to give me some advice. I want to walk away and never speak to her again, but then again the family orientated part of me wants to fix it all even after all she's done. She is very much a textbook 'mother of sons' and I am just at an absolute loss :(

Just tell her and your partner that youre not willing to be round her anymore, and that when you have children you dont want her toxic influence in their lives. Then leave it at that. I mean surely you wouldn't want her around your children anyway? If so - why?!

What are you going to do when you have children, beg her to be around? Accept that she does not like you, and leave her alone to her behaviours. You have your mum.

Real life = you cant choose others' actions and reactions in life, nor unfortunately have the family bond you believe you should have. For your own peace of mind when someone's not into you then live your life and leave them be

And mothers of daughters are immune to those feelings because of their child's vaginas?

Oh come on. Of course they are not, but how is that relevant to the op's problem? Her MIL sounds awful. It's irrelevant whether she'd be equally as vile to a daughter and Son in law.

Not my MIL, but my mum was like this. I had endured years of it and it affected my marriage so much. It got to the point where my mental health was in tatters and I was at breaking point. I went completely NC with her. I wouldn't let her see the kids and we didn't speak for 2 years. I healed, and when I felt stronger reached out to her to try to mend our relationship. It has worked. I can now easily put boundaries in place and she'll respect them - to a point. When she starts to push, I pull back and she stops.

OP I do think the only solution is complete NC for all of you, your DP and kids included. At least for a while. She needs a short, sharp shock. You both need to show her you won't put up with her behaviour and that the result (NC) is all of her own making.

It's good that your DP has sided with you and attended counselling to try and sort things out. It's hard when your partner can't see what the fuss is about with in laws. I would try going nc for 6 months, discuss it with your DP and DC and see how you all feel about re-engaging. Take the time to have quality time together as it sounds like you need it.

I have a son and a wonderful daughter in law , I certainly don’t behave like your MIL!

I think it’s a general her being insane problem more than a general being a mum of sons thing (I only have a DD so no skin in the game here). I know women with only sons, they absolutely would not behave like this. Main thing is you and your DP are a team on this and he’s getting some insight into how dysfunctional the whole mess is. Nothing you do will make a difference, let it go.

Look: you don’t need to be a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.

Stop trying to arrive at a democratic, consensus based, approach to a crazy person. She is just very delusional, disordered, manipulative, and not nice. She should never come within a mile of your children or you. If anyone (like your family) brings it up just say;

”Turns out she threatens to kill herself at the drop of a hat. She is so frequently upset with is that we decided it wasn’t safe for her or the children to be in contact. We hope she gets the help she needs for her problems.”

Then just cut her off. It is the healthiest thing you can do.

Honestly, and I’m not joking, quietly arrange to move away and don’t tell anyone from that side of the family where you are.

This will get worse as she gets older.

I'm so sorry to hear this, your mother in law sounds very manipulative and possibly has mental health issues. I think she's probably jealous of your relationship with her son. I get on very well with my son's wife, I see how happy they are together and I hope that they will stay that way. I'm of the opinion that we're all family and I'm careful not to upset anyone. I think you should take a step back from this woman's toxicity but you would probably be wise to let your partner choose his own course of action, that way you'll never be accused of trying to come between them. Wishing you all the best.

She is attention seeking and getting what she wants every time she does it.
Step back. Ignore.
Unfortunately you're dealing with a fully grown toddler.

She’s foul, but she doesn’t have to be your problem. If I carried on like that, both of my sons would tell me - and would mean it - to bugger off and leave them and their families alone.

if your partner wants a relationship with her, he can manage it without your involvement, and without feeding anything back to you. He could go over one Sunday a month for an hour, or whatever suits.

if you want your child(ren) to have a relationship with her, your husband can manage the details, with the strict condition that if she badmouths you even once, he and the kids will immediately leave, and if she does it a second time, they’ll leave and not go back.

WHY are you still letting this woman be a part of your life?! Go no contact, walk away, save yourself the stress.We are N/C with my in laws for half of that, and whilst its a shame she it had to come to that,our life has been much calmer since.
Your daughter sounds like she has a good grandparent in her life in your mum? As do my daughters.Quality over quantity and surrounding yourselves with positive influences not negative ones is the way forward here for you too.Your MH will be much better for it.

She is batshit crazy

What is a textbook "mother of sons"?
This is all far too much drama

I didn't skip any of it, I took every word in and I'm speechless. No specific advice but I totally understand the fact that she's a great grandmother but toxic when it comes to you & her son. This is precisely what my mother is like.

This woman is NOT a 'text book mother of sons' so please don't perpetuate this harmful stereotype about 50% of the world's mothers.
What she is is an unpleasant, controlling, aggressive, self centred individual who can't control herself when drinking. There are sadly many like her of both sexes and with male and female children. She won't change and you were right to have no contact with her, and should continue to do so. What your partner does is up to him, but you have given her more than enough chances, so bring an end to it now.

Mother of sons too. No drama though.

I would agree to no contact but, she is your partner's parent not yours. It's his problem to resolve. He is an adult now (and I speak as someone who never resolved my own issues with my own mum).

He needs to have your back and NEVER throw you under the bus for a peaceful life. I mean by expressing that you are in any way 'the problem ' to any of his side of the family. The temptation may be huge but he cannot do that. It will validate her feelings if he does.

Pretty much everyone will know she is a nightmare and ignore what she says anyway, as you do with what she says about others. I wouldn't give it a seconds thought.

I decided to speak up, as I hadn't since 2018, and I sent the nicest message you have ever read to someone who has treat us like this for years. She came back with that no one makes her feel as low as I do, and she wants to go to sleep and never wake up. So obviously I was freaking out that she was going to do something stupid, I got partner to message his Dad

Why are you getting involved like this. It’s ridiculous. Just stay away and go no contact. There is absolutely no reason to see this person ever again.