Hi,long time lurker but really looking for some insights/other POV.
My widowed mum is a fit and active 76yr old woman who volunteers,works on a very part time basis and has other friends and hobbies.
However, this is never enough and I am constantly made to feel that I am not giving her enough of my time and energy
For context I work in a full time ,stressful role,have a partner and also have other friends/hobbies that I enjoy/need to keep in contact with.
I call my mum every evening and try to see her on a weekly basis.
At the weekend I met her for coffee and was advised that she was feeling low,although when questioned was not forthcoming as to what the issue was.
The implication,however was that she felt that I was not putting her first when choosing to spend time with other friends and hobbies despite me telling her that this was important in managing my mental health and having a stressful work role.
My children are in their late 20s/early 30s.
One lives overseas (a 15hr plane journey away) and the other a 2 hr car journey away in.
the Uk.
Again they make an effort to speak to mum every week/other week
My mum indicated that she did not feel as close to them as she used to and that,to quote ,that they tell me things that they do not tell her.
My mum had a difficult childhood .Her mum died when she was 6 and no-one took the time to explain this to her.
Her father then married the housekeeper who was the original wicked stepmother and my mum and her sister left home at 16/18.
I understand that she has underlying issues with abandonment and has always strived to keep us close as a family but her general behaviour goes above and beyond that and it feels that our own personal happiness is secondary to her needs and wants.
I have also started to feel resentful that despite recognising that she has issues mum has declined any help with counselling and support in the past and does not seem to see the effect this has had on her and the rest of the family.
Personally I have found her neediness very claustrophobic and feel that I have sacrificed some of my own wants/happiness through my life to keep mum happy.
Because of this I have always encouraged my children to do as they want with the life in the knowledge there will be no guilt tripping from me.As long as they are happy I am happy.
Despite having a very close relationship with my mum and dad as children I have noticed that my adult children now struggle in her company for any length of time.
It is as though mum does not like the fact that we have all become adults and she no longer has control over what we do and with who we do it
She has been very controlling emotionally and financially over the years.
The silent treatment has been used on many occasions for many perceived slights.She will never admit any fault in anything.
My mum has financially helped myself and my children in the past but there has always been a price to pay for any help, generally a guilt trip as to lack of time spent with her.
The last part of the story is my brother ..he is early 50s,never been in a long term relationship.
He has his own house but spends every evening at my mum's house where she makes him dinner .
If he wants to go out he will ask my mum if this is ok!!!!
When he has days off/holiday he spends it with my mum.
He will never challenge my mum on anything that she says and I have noticed that her entitled attitude has got worse since my Dad passed away (6 years) as he would at least challenge her opinions on occasions.
I gave up challenging many years ago and find it easier to let things go.
Challenging would just lead to the silent treatment.
I love my brother but do not have the sort of relationship that I can discuss this with him.
I feel that mum sees her relationship with my brother as normal and I am abnormal for wanting a life outside of the one with my mum
Thankyou for reading to the end.
Sorry for the long ,loong post