Never get a bloody break

HHN · 2023-08-07T11:28:05+00:00

DH and I have 3 kids together he works 45 hours a week I stay at home looking after our DC he gets 2 days off a week and does exactly what he wants on his days off. I get no break I’m always with the DC he’s never taken all 3 of them out on his own before not even to the local park so I can have a hour to catch up on house work or even have a hot drink. Am I wrong to be super annoyed by this

fivelilducks · 07/08/2023 12:30

Nope you're not. That is not teamwork, family's only work well when the parents work as a team. You need to talk to him, calmly but firmly, and make him understand the seriousness of this. How old are your children? Does he do any house work at all?

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 07/08/2023 12:33

What happened after babies one and two?

Coconaut · 07/08/2023 12:37

You're right to be annoyed about no break but I'd also be worried that he doesn't want to spend any time with his own children. They must be beginning to notice surely.

Original poster

HHN · 07/08/2023 13:05

Maybe hoovers once a month at the very most and irons his own clothes because I just leave them now because I got fed up of doing everything.

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Original poster

HHN · 07/08/2023 13:06

I returned to work so that kind of was my break from being a mam and doing everything at home. He looked after the oldest 2 on his 2 days off but now I’m not at work he just doesn’t bother.

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GreyCarpet · 07/08/2023 13:34

Have you spoken to him about it?

My exh was a bit of a twat when I was on maternity leave. Constant accusations of laziness; tried to get me to complete a rime and motion study (seriously!)

When the youngest was 11.5 months old, I went away for the week. When I came back, he'd done a grand job of everything BUT he also admitted that expected to be able to prove to me I wasn't organising myself properly, was exaggerating how hard it was etc. The reality was, he'd kept on top of everything (just about!) but hadn't achieved any of the 'him' stuff he'd planned. And was exhausted.

Never got mentioned again. He never criticised me again and he made sure we had equal downtime from then on.

Some men (people tbh) think being at home all day is easy. It's not!

liondreams · 07/08/2023 13:39

honestly is it worth staying with him when he behaves like this?

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 07/08/2023 13:55

HHN · 07/08/2023 13:06

I returned to work so that kind of was my break from being a mam and doing everything at home. He looked after the oldest 2 on his 2 days off but now I’m not at work he just doesn’t bother.

I thought you would say that. My next suggestion was that you leave him to the kids one weekend. Let him see how easy it is (or isn’t). And then do that at least monthly.

Wentbacktobed · 07/08/2023 15:20

Go back to work so that you retain your ability to always earn your own money and pay for childcare/a cleaner

Some men, when left to it, even once a month, will leave
A woman can then be left with 100% of everything childcare related and watch as he makes another family with someone else

And if you have given up work then life post separation & divorce is harder

Original poster

HHN · 07/08/2023 15:36

We agreed it was best for our family for me to give up work for now as my whole wage was payed out for childcare. However I didn’t realise he would be giving up his responsibilities as a father

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Original poster

HHN · 07/08/2023 15:40

They’d run rings around him he’s literally got no idea how to look after 3 kids alone. Walking them across to the local park for a hour or two once a month would be enough but he just doesn’t seem to get it. His days off are his days to relax because he’s been at work all week in his head. He seems to think my break is through the week when the oldest 2 are at school and I’ve only got a 10 month old to look after that’s apparently when I should be relaxing hahah

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BCBird · 07/08/2023 15:43

You must get him.to look after the kids solo. Having no idea is not good enough. He never will.if he thinks that you will do it

EllenVannen · 07/08/2023 15:44

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 07/08/2023 12:33

What happened after babies one and two?

That's was what I was going to ask.

In fact how was he with baby No.1 - did he pull his weight then?

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 07/08/2023 15:48

We agreed it was best for our family for me to give up work for now as my whole wage was payed out for childcare. However I didn’t realise he would be giving up his responsibilities as a father

And so you pay into a separate pension for you now right? And you have life insurance? You discussed how childcare would work outside of working hours?

I'd say that this isn't working out for you and go back to work - you've put yourself in a very vulnerable and dependent position - and your pension and earning capacity are slowly falling further and further behind his, so when you do want to go back, the 'argument' about it 'just making sense' that you stay home and he goes out to work will just get 'stronger'

Take charge now OP. Go back to work. Financial evens with sanity and independence is better than financial evens with you resenting him and having no ability to support yourself.

thatsnotmylifeitstoocrazy · 07/08/2023 15:53

What are you getting from this relationship?

Original poster

HHN · 07/08/2023 15:55

Yeah we had no issues with 1 & 2 I returned to work 4 days a week when they were both a year old he’d have them 2 days then my mam the other 2 days with no issues. The issue seems to be that he thinks I have no job so don’t need a break however taking care of our three children 24/7 is a full time job in itself

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EllenVannen · 07/08/2023 15:59

HHN · 07/08/2023 15:55

Yeah we had no issues with 1 & 2 I returned to work 4 days a week when they were both a year old he’d have them 2 days then my mam the other 2 days with no issues. The issue seems to be that he thinks I have no job so don’t need a break however taking care of our three children 24/7 is a full time job in itself

So who's idea was it to have baby No3 and what did you agree about splitting the responsibilities.

Original poster

HHN · 07/08/2023 16:08

We both agreed about having another and discussed me staying at home until number 3 is in school as my mam can no longer help with childcare so it would have meant paying for a nursery 4 times a week then breakfast & after school club 4 days a week for our oldest 2. It would have meant paying my whole wage out for other people to look after our children when we are in a fortunate position to be able to live comfortably off DH’s salary. He is very hard working & gives his all money wise just not time. He can’t see that an hour every now and again would give me the opportunity to recharge, catch up or even just have lunch in piece and quiet which is something he gets 5 days a week. I have the kids in a brilliant routine there all in bed asleep by 8 o’clock every night meaning that some nights when he finishes work at 9 he doesn’t even see them he comes home to his tea on the table and can do as he pleases I don’t know why he needs every day off to himself aswell.

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SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 07/08/2023 16:19

The issue seems to be that he thinks I have no job so don’t need a break however taking care of our three children 24/7 is a full time job in itself

If it's so easy, then it's no hassle for him to take them for a couple of hours is it?

EllenVannen · 07/08/2023 16:25

HHN · 07/08/2023 16:08

We both agreed about having another and discussed me staying at home until number 3 is in school as my mam can no longer help with childcare so it would have meant paying for a nursery 4 times a week then breakfast & after school club 4 days a week for our oldest 2. It would have meant paying my whole wage out for other people to look after our children when we are in a fortunate position to be able to live comfortably off DH’s salary. He is very hard working & gives his all money wise just not time. He can’t see that an hour every now and again would give me the opportunity to recharge, catch up or even just have lunch in piece and quiet which is something he gets 5 days a week. I have the kids in a brilliant routine there all in bed asleep by 8 o’clock every night meaning that some nights when he finishes work at 9 he doesn’t even see them he comes home to his tea on the table and can do as he pleases I don’t know why he needs every day off to himself aswell.

OK, then you need to outsource some jobs - get a cleaner, someone to do the ironing, p/t nanny/au pair , whatever.

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 07/08/2023 17:44

HHN · 07/08/2023 16:08

We both agreed about having another and discussed me staying at home until number 3 is in school as my mam can no longer help with childcare so it would have meant paying for a nursery 4 times a week then breakfast & after school club 4 days a week for our oldest 2. It would have meant paying my whole wage out for other people to look after our children when we are in a fortunate position to be able to live comfortably off DH’s salary. He is very hard working & gives his all money wise just not time. He can’t see that an hour every now and again would give me the opportunity to recharge, catch up or even just have lunch in piece and quiet which is something he gets 5 days a week. I have the kids in a brilliant routine there all in bed asleep by 8 o’clock every night meaning that some nights when he finishes work at 9 he doesn’t even see them he comes home to his tea on the table and can do as he pleases I don’t know why he needs every day off to himself aswell.

You’ve fallen into a common trap. Unfortunately it’s going to take some tough actions to undo them. If you expect change without anything changing and all that……..

Leave him with the kids. Make plans to go back to work. Half of the childcare costs are his (at least).