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Original poster

Dealing with a narcissistic father/parent who won't say sorry.

22 replies

hippygirllucky · 07/08/2023 12:04

I know this is very vague but is anyone else dealing as an adult with a narcissistic father? Me and my husband have both been driven to our limit by my father's narcissistic traits and I'm nearly ready to go no-contact. He has recently crossed a hard boundary of mine and I've asked him to apologise and he's refusing and completely gaslighting me. But I feel awful for DD, who loves him very much. I just want this heart ache to go away and the he only way seems to remove his negative influence on my life.

Any advice welcome.

OP posts:

BlastedPimples · 07/08/2023 12:16

So you dd has contact with a narcissist? Really?

Aparecium · 07/08/2023 12:20

I don't ask for apologies from mine any more. He won't give them and turns everything around to be about him. I have learned to say "No" to him and to simply shut down conversations. If he doesn't accept the shut-down I ignore him or walk away.

He feels that he's got the last word. Bully for him. Let him feel that way. My triumph is that I am not enmeshed in his game.

I still love him, he loves me and he loves his grandchildren. I defend my dc and try to subtly teach them the same skills.

But it has taken years of distress to get here. By recognising that you df is narcissistic, recognising his strategies, and acknowledging their effect on you, you are already part of the way along.

I think you need to accept that you cannot change another person. Especially when their behaviour is so entrenched and long-standing. The only person you can change is yourself.

Duchessofspace · 07/08/2023 12:24

I put in boundaries and mine stopped talking to me - totally. I reached out a few times to see if he wants to meet - no reply so I stopped trying.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2023 12:31

If it's really a hard boundary, then you have only one choice. You remove him from your life. Your daughter may love him now, but he will turn his toxicity to her eventually. It's inevitable.

BoohooWoohoo · 07/08/2023 12:35

You allow your dd to have contact with and become attached to a narcissist who won't even say sorry? How old is your dd that she's never been a target yet? I think that you are playing a risky game allowing your dd contact with your father. Do you think that he won't show his true colours with her ?

BoohooWoohoo · 07/08/2023 12:36

If you don't go NC then why ya not really a hard boundary.

SedentaryCat · 07/08/2023 13:07

I was dealing with a narcissistic father. In September last year I told him I was done - it took me 50 years to finally wake up and stop making excuses.

I walked away and didn't look back. He died last month and I have zero regrets. My only wish is that I had walked sooner.

My hard line was when he started on the DCs. He didn't say anything to them, thank goodness, but blamed their behaviour towards him on me...that I was putting them up to it or changing their opinions of him by talking about him. Final straw.

Your DD loves him at the moment but from my experience this will change once she becomes more aware of his behaviour towards you and other people. She's likely the apple of his eye right now and young enough to be taken in by how he behaves towards her. Watch for when she starts challenging him.

My advice, get out while you can.

LainyMainyWainy · 07/08/2023 13:16

Don’t have a narcissist around your precious DD. She will either learn to become like him or be the target of him. When I saw the narcissist in my family for what they were and processed everything, I noticed the entire wider family were on a sliding scale of either being narcissistic, golden children or scapegoats. It really is a case of one rotten apple will ruin the entire barrel - one way or another.

Original poster

hippygirllucky · 07/08/2023 14:44

Thanks all. It's difficult because he's our only childcare and getting a place at nursery etc has a long waiting list. I would likely have to take a career break, which would be awful. Cutting out dad would also mean limiting contact with mum, which would break my and her heart.

Dd is 18months, too young to understand any of this.

OP posts:

lyralycra · 07/08/2023 14:52

What did he do?

LainyMainyWainy · 07/08/2023 14:54

hippygirllucky · 07/08/2023 14:44

Dd is 18months, too young to understand any of this.

What makes you think he is a narcissist? And what did he do?
Because there is not a cats chance in hell I would leave a child in the “care” of a true narcissist.

OnionBhajis · 07/08/2023 14:58

Hmm I can't tell from your op.

People often call parents narcisitis then accuse of gaslighting or want then to apologise. But would you apologise when you do t think anything is wrong? Sometimes it can be the adult child just sees things differently or is quite headstong themself.

What was the hard boundary?

Ponderingwindow · 07/08/2023 15:03

You start by keeping them at arms length. It shouldn’t really be possible to transgress boundaries because you keep interactions largely superficial. Expecting apologies when they act the same as always is a waste of energy.

using a parent like that for child care should be a never have been considered as an option in the first place.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/08/2023 15:10

If he is too toxic for you to deal with it is the same deal for your child also. You need to both stay away fro your father and his willing enabler in the shape of your mother. She has failed to protect you from his malign influence and narcissists always need a willing enabler to help them.

You need to teach your child that not all relatives are nice and kind and in fact some of them are actively abusive. Children can be indiscriminate in whom they love and that why they need parents to guide them. Find alternative childcare, neither of your parents are safe enough here to be around and they will harm her in not too dissimilar ways as to how you’ve been harmed also, it is really not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist.

OnionBhajis · 07/08/2023 15:12

I think people are too quick to jump too "toxic". We don't know what the dads even been accused of here. Adn we see threads all the time where people complain about their parents for the mist minor of things.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/08/2023 15:12

Also I would not put it past him either to use your child as a further means of getting back at you. This is yet another reason to have no contact with such a person. They were not good parents to you and will further more be crap grandparents to your child.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2023 15:13

Your father is a toxic, abusive man, but you allow him to care for your child because it's a convenience to you? Wow.

lyralycra · 07/08/2023 15:16

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2023 15:13

Your father is a toxic, abusive man, but you allow him to care for your child because it's a convenience to you? Wow.

Maybe OP's mother is present as well?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/08/2023 15:51

If that is the case with she being present further emotional harm to her child can be done right in front of her very eyes. It can be a look, a pinch.

AndyMcFlurry · 07/08/2023 15:54

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2023 15:13

Your father is a toxic, abusive man, but you allow him to care for your child because it's a convenience to you? Wow.

This.

TheWhaleRider · 07/08/2023 23:06

You stop expecting him to say sorry. He won't - ever.

He will never change - nothing you can do/say will make him. He doesn't want to. And he's not capable of it. The day I accepted that about my father was the day the weight started lifting. And I mean truly accepted it - not just said I did but secretly hoped. You have to let go of hope for him - there isn't any. I know this sounds horrible but it's actually very freeing.

I have gone low-contact - in a similar situation in that my mum and him are still together, so no-contact not an option. So I limit wherever possible - yes it's inconvenient to not be able to rely on the for childcare but in doing so, you're setting yourself free. And you're preventing your DD from growing up with that voice of his in the back of her brain telling her she's not good enough all the time.

You might feel right now like you NEED to rely on them, but I promise you don't and unfortunately your mum will suffer some of that consequence - but she's a grown adult who chooses to stay with him. And that is a choice - the consequence of which is she sees you and your DD less. You can't make your mum's choices for her. But you can make the best choices for you and your DD. I promise it's better on the other side.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 22:01

hippygirllucky · 07/08/2023 14:44

Dd is 18months, too young to understand any of this.

You can't fall out with someone and also have them provide free childcare sadly. If you want/need him to continue doing this you need to work out some boundaries to not let him get so emotionally close to you that he can wind you up, whether or not he is doing it intentionally. Drop any/all expectations of him thinking in the same way as you or having the same morals. I think almost thinking of it as a coparenting relationship.

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