Conflict in Relationship

[Ascparent]

Name change but regular poster.

My partner and I have been together for 4 nearly 5 years and have 1 child together. They have 2 from a previous relationship and I have 2 also including a son with an asc diagnosis and quite complex needs. My son is quite a typical presenting asc child as he will mask a lot but then have melt downs - hit out suddenly with no obvious trigger; can be very hard work and will need lots of preparation etc.

I fully accept I am the responsible parent for him so do all I can. My partner however feels I am too soft. Will say things like ‘he needed a consequence for x’ for example he may hit someone if they come into his personal space or if he doesn’t get what he wants sometimes and there is always a natural consequence - relationship to be repaired etc.

When the other kids will hit they might have quite a significant consequence - losing a device or something along those lines. My partner gets increasingly frustrated with me to the point of being quite toxic that it isn’t fair my child with ASC doesn’t have exactly the same consequences as the others or isn’t dealt with in the same way. They keep telling me it is ‘choice’ and that I am too soft.

I think ultimately the more I’m seeing this the more I’m realising this isn’t going to work out long term as I cant keep feeling guilty for my son’s needs or the difficulties we are having. This is really quite difficult and I just wanted advice from anyone in a similar situation or who has navigated a complex situation.

I’ve not been in this situation but I have two boys with ASD.

I just couldn’t compromise their well-being for a relationship.

My youngest is non-verbal and cannot communicate his needs - punishing him would do literally nothing positive.

If you know this won’t work end it sooner rather than later and make life better for you and your children.

Thanks so much for the quick response. I just don’t see how punishment would ever work but my partner insists I’m the one in the wrong and the other kids need to ‘see’ the consequences.

Anyone else?

I think it’s more helpful if your other children see compassion for a child with a disability.

The reality is your partner isn’t his parent and shows no inclination of wanting to be. He’s acting like he’s an inconvenience.

This would have to be the end for me.

Ask him outright if he was blind would he expect you shout at him to see so he can be like the rest of your dc... My ds has recently been assumed to have ASD.. A sibling is struggling. I told them their problem to sort not mine.

Thank you both. I really appreciate it. I feel so confused at the moment as really thought by DP would understand my son’s needs.

He’s choosing not to understand them.

My family had no experience with autism until my children were born.

They learned how to behave and adjust because it matters to them give them a childhood full of love and kindness.

My older son is on holiday alone with PIL and I have nothing but confidence in how kindly they’ll treat him.

Whilst I’m their advocate no one will be invited into their lives if they aren’t a positive presence.

Yes..four Grandsons ASD all different ages 18.. 16 15 and eight..you simply cannot punish them.. it will add to their mental health and the consequences could be horrific.
He needs educating on ASD .. do a course.. if he's not willing I'm afraid your child comes first and he needs to get the he'll out of your lives.

Thank you. I really do feel the same with punishment and do see how it is difficult for the other children to understand why if he hits them he doesn’t lose his Xbox or whatever but I really find it difficult when my partner doesn’t back me up but also questions it.

We’ve had a long talk tonight and looked at research together. I’m going to give it one last go to see if the understanding develops.

However can you not reframe it for yourself, not as punishment but as natural consequences?

E.g. he hits someone, that means another person is hurt.

As a consequence, something he only has because of other people - e.g. a device - is unavailable to him.

A general point about living amongst other people, in a society - someone who hurts other people in society gets a reduction in the benefits that society gives him.

Yes we’ve talked about that tonight. You hurt people then we are going to try time out with no devices as in you hurt people so now to keep them safe you can’t be around them for an amount of time and see how that goes.