Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

How do I process this?

16 replies

CheeseToasty · 06/08/2023 23:00

I’m gonna try and keep this short so hope this makes sense.

My partner and I have been together for 23 years.

When we were together for 7 years and our first child was one we hit a very difficult patch. DP came home one day and said he needed a ‘break’. The most frustrating thing I felt at the time was that I was unsure what he meant by a break. I even remember posting here at the time for help. I was always fairly sure that this break included another woman.

Anyway tonight 16 years later I learn that he did sleep with other woman during this time.

Personally while I do believe that he believed that he was single at the time I do think it was a betrayal as he did not make it clear and I made it clear that I needed to know. We also were sleeping together during this break... I think I was really stupid in doing this but I won’t go it to it.

Feeling like it’s a case of Ross and Rachel from Friends.

I am just really struggling to know what to do with this information. Deep down I think really don’t care but the very analytical overthinking part of me wants to process it and I really don’t know where to start.

OP posts:

Olika · 06/08/2023 23:23

As this happened 16 years ago I personally would think of the years you have been back together. If it's been good then try to concentrate on those good memories.

MollysBrolly · 07/08/2023 00:04

How did you find out?
Seems a long time for him to confess and/or some one else to tell - why tell you now?

you separated for 5 mins and had a baby - maybe he had lined this OW up and wanted to see if the grass was greener.

I couldn't forgive and he'd have to leave

irrationalsense · 07/08/2023 00:31

Hmm. It's hard. I had something similar when my partner and I had been together a year, I ended it because at the time I was facing a huge horrible court case that broke me. He was devastated, took me at face value and went out with some friends and met and slept with someone to make himself feel better. I meanwhile worked through my own shit, started to question my mental stability when I'd made that decision and got in touch to ask if we could meet up and talk it though and see if there was anything left.

Eventually I found out about the woman, obvs didn't have a leg to stand on but was blatantly devastated. I kept throwing up and crying and oscillating between wanting him to comfort me and wanting to chop his dick off.

It was a bad patch but ultimately we decided we both wanted to be together. We went to couples counselling to process, had to do these weird empathy exercises. One day I got shitty and screamed at him
"Tell me how I feel!" And he paused, dropped his understandable defences and told me how he could imagine I felt. And that was it. I just let it go and it didn't matter.

We had both been as bad as each other really and so I kind of got to a point where I accepted it. That was 9 years ago and I feel nothing telling the story, it doesn't upset me now.

It's not really the same and I don't know if it helps. But I suppose the message is: if you want each other and only each other and are prepared to work for it, then it's all gravy in the end

irrationalsense · 07/08/2023 00:38

Ok in terms of pragmatic and constructive input maybe I could add that basically you need to talk. But not just talk but be able to be brutally honest about how you felt and why you did it. And then, and here's the hard bit, imagine you in their shoes and drop all your shit for a sec and try to relate and understand and validate how you both feel. Has to be two way or won't work.

And if your partner refuses to accept or validate your feelings and empathise with your point of view (they don't have to agree, it's irrelevant) then that could prevent you moving on.

But trying to process this alone and burying it might make you snap in an unhelpful way later down the line when you're on a low ebb

Narjilla · 07/08/2023 00:51

I've no idea what the Ross and Rachel thing is but you were a mother of a 7 year old not some naive teenager, you could have clarified at the time. Of course he could have been more transparent, too but to place it all on him is unfair.
I don't think any good is going to come out of thinking about this, if you have a current concern address it directly with him.

MumGMT · 07/08/2023 01:41

Feeling like it’s a case of Ross and Rachel from Friends.

It's nothing like Ross and Rachel from friends. You'd been together for 7 years and had a child. A 'break' in those circumstances is time apart, not considering yourself free and single to sleep with others and then possibly go back to your long established relationship after sleeping with someone in the middle 😷

RandomForest · 07/08/2023 02:58

I don't think the past is as important as what's going on in the present.

Most importantly is how you found this information out, did he tell you himself or tell someone else who he knew would relay this incident back to you.

If he confessed then you have a bigger problem on your hands.

RandomForest · 07/08/2023 03:01

But yes regardless of the confession, he was unfaithful and he abandonned you with a one year old child.

Unforgivable behaviour in my eyes.

Original poster

CheeseToasty · 07/08/2023 06:20

Thanks you all for your responses. It was really useful to get a range of thoughts because it was exactly what I needed.

Our relationship is good now, probably the best it’s ever been and I don’t have any concerns now.

It was due to me that it came up. We had been at a family event and every time these happen he ends up talking about his childhood afterwards. These family events are definitely a trigger for him as there are some very toxic things in his family in the past despite things in his family being good now at least on the surface. Somehow we ended up at the time of our break and I just referred to this time with this person in a way that suggested I knew so he just responded naturally to what I said and didn’t know he was confessing. You could say I tricked him into it however that wasn’t a conscious intention. I did say to him after that I suspected but didn’t know for sure.

Ironically this week I watched something on bbc iplayer called Couples Therapy and reflecting on that I can empathise with his actions however it doesn’t change the fact that it hurts.

OP posts:

irrationalsense · 07/08/2023 12:22

@CheeseToasty you're a sweetheart. You've got this. And re the empathy thing I meant his empathy for you. I wouldn't kill anyone or change anyone's own opinion If they can put theirs aside and empathise.

Ok roleplay, if I was your partner I might say " right ok...I'm you...the break meant something different to you and I imagine you feel a bit betrayed as though I was devaluing our relationship by moving on with someone else so quickly. You probably feel frustrated because you did say your view on the separation and for when ever reason I didn't get that. It might also make you feel a bit insecure in the back of your mind now wondering if that means I'm not as committed as you. I totally get that it hurts to know this information every one feels horrid when their partners been with someone else regardless of the situation. It's instinctive" etc

It just validates you enough to not feel like you're going mad, but also soothes the mind enough for you to stop feeling so hurt xxx

irrationalsense · 07/08/2023 12:23

Typo "it wouldn't kill anyone..."

MumGMT · 07/08/2023 15:13

irrationalsense · 07/08/2023 12:22

It just validates you enough to not feel like you're going mad, but also soothes the mind enough for you to stop feeling so hurt xxx

Not sure this is helpful.
You're not her partner. He might not feel that way at all. So I wouldn't be attributing any thoughts/feelings/understanding/empathy to him that he hasn't actually said or shown. He could be a bastard about the whole thing!

Also the OPs situation was different than yours.

You'd been together for a year and you ended it, and he was devastated and slept with someone to make him feel better, he didn't actually do anything wrong.

For the OP they had been together for 7 years, they had a baby, he asked for a 'break' and slept with someone, so he very much did something wrong.

Original poster

CheeseToasty · 07/08/2023 15:29

Thank you. He did initially really empathise with me which really shocked me as in the past he was never able to do this and it showed me maturity that he didn’t once have. However this was the understanding of my pain at him being with someone else. I don't think he understood that I saw the break as just space from each other. I do think his ability to empathise was impacted by seeing me upset and realising that I did not see it as a break up which made him feel bad so he was protecting himself especially as I didn’t get angry remained very controlled and simply said how what he said made me feel.

Not really sure where to go from here as he had a drink at the family event and this morning did not remember the conversation. I know this because when he woke up this morning he was confused about why he was already dressed for work (something he had done last night... boring story I won’t waste your time) and I said don’t you remember? He said no. I asked do you remember our conversation and again he said no.

OP posts:

Original poster

CheeseToasty · 07/08/2023 15:38

I keep re-reading what I have just wrote and feel like in my efforts to empathise with him to stop myself feeling hurt I forgot to empathise with myself. Truth is that I do feel disrespected and he was selfish and I think the only reason I am trying to process it is that while I am able to put it in the past, if I feel disrespected by him in the future I worry how this event will impact me.

OP posts:

irrationalsense · 07/08/2023 15:54

@MumGMT fairsies. I didn't want to leave @CheeseToasty hanging so I wanted to say I kind of got it with a disclaimer that it was obviously a different scenario.

Yes re adding my thought and feelings which might not be true. Projecting is very common in all these chats so I always try to add my disclaimer that it's based on my experience.

I thought it was helpful if it brought OP peace but you are right. I am assuming he again is a nice guy like my partner was who'd just lost their way. It also carry's the risk that I make cheese today feel ok when her situation might not be ok so I hear you and you're right.

OP all I can say then is I can never understand or judge this situation but thank you for sharing your beautiful honesty and self awareness and keep doing that. I hope you have someone you trust who knows your partner who can maybe get a better read on it.

Original poster

CheeseToasty · 07/08/2023 16:53

@irrationalsense While another did try to point out that your post may be unhelpful actually it did help. Personally I needed the different points of views. I am very analytical and all problems big of small I usually try to think of all the possible narratives. Actually my mum gets frustrated by this quality (or flaw depending on perspective) as I will suggests possible narratives to things in her life that she does not want to consider.

Thanks to every who responded I very much appreciate it.

OP posts:

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread