I know I shouldn't care, but can't help but wonder

[IDKYICarebut]

I was with my ex 5 years and I honestly loved him but it was a very toxic relationship , he was downright nasty at times , and I realised in the end I was a stepping stone to something better.

I scraped up my self respect and left . I found it really hard to cut contact and we stayed in touch but he used me , he slept with me while seeing a new partner, and was cruel . Asked me to go round to take deliveries etc , in a house I'd lived in and decorated, told me his new partner didn't like my decor. The house was his and he kept it that way , with me paying for all his luxuries and holidays but never let me contribute to the mortgage etc .

I lost it finally when he'd slept with me and then said he had a new partner and wanted to be "friends" . He was honestly so entitled he was angry with me for calling him a cheating c*nt.

Since then , no contact . He blocked me on everything as I threatened to tell his new girlfriend about him being a cheat (I wouldn't have but I was so angry and he had totally led me on )

Anyway she and her child moved in with him . Her child was the same age as a baby I'd lost half way through pregnancy so that smarted .

I've tried to get on with life , but have never met anyone else and remain single . I've had significant health problems for the last 2 years. I came out of that relationship with nothing and I rent a house .

I was browsing right move and saw he sold "our" house last year , making a 68% profit . I couldn't resist having a look - there wasn't any evidence of a child in the house except for a framed kiddie type print in the smallest bedroom and a child's duvet cover .

He's come off all social media .
He's put a planning application in at his mothers address. (I googled his name )

Now his mum is lovely but was sectioned with serious mental health issues , so I'm assuming he has moved in with her .

I can't help wondering if this means his relationship failed or whether they've all moved in together

His partner hasn't sold her property- only him and it said no upward chain so doesn't look like he's bought anything at the time .

I know - I should t give a flying fuck - but it's unsettled me and I dont really know why .
I've sort of prayed for karma to bite his arse and not knowing is pissing me off

We both work in the same field but we dont cross paths and one mutual associate told me last time they had crossed paths not to tell me where he was working ( which is fucking ridiculous because we're all on an employee database and you can easily see where everyone works !)
I've known where he is for years and never tried to initiate contact but he is a very odd character, I'm sure it makes him feel better to think he's somehow outwitted me with a works transfer !)

But I'd be very stupid to not know where he works or in which department. I actually actively avoided that dept and him .

I realise this need to know is a waste of energy on someone who treated me like shit . (He was verbally abusive, belittled me , made comments on my figure and clothes and monitored what I ate and drank , changed his will without telling me to exclude me after some perceived sleight, and was cold , calculating and and angry unhappy man )

But my god I'd feel better if I knew he wasn't living it it up in his mothers mansion playing something out the Walton's with his gf and her child . And I can't find out . I know I shouldn't even care .

Karma doesn't exist. Spend your time and energy into figuring out your own life and why you accepted his treatment of you for far too long.

I know exactly why. I have already worked that out . I don't need to examine that aspect any more closely . I have complex ptsd from childhood. Had specific therapy for it.

Try to let this go behind you. Do try. He doesn't sound like a keeper so if someone else is lumbered with him - fine.

All best to you 💐

you sound crazy , slightly stalkerish move on

Just focus on yourself love, let him be, count your blessings your not with him no more and yes karma will hit him hard but it shouldn't concern you no more....move on and forget about that low life,his not worth your time or energy anymore!! Good luck hope all goes well for you 🙏

Having this or any information won't make you happy. You need to go cold turkey on this right away

Your need for karmic revenge isn’t helping you. He’s an awful human being and it’s very likely all his future relationships will go badly after a while, you know that already. Leave it at that and move on properly.

It was only 5 years, not that big a wedge from a whole life lived, so best to not let it consume you. In as far as coming out with no claim to property was concerned, after only 5 years and no DC and living rent free for that time, you do have to take some responsibility for not having saved in that time if you came out with nothing. Your choice to decorate and spend on luxuries instead of saving in case things didn't pan out - which they didn't.
I suspect your past trauma has resulted in an inability to say no to things not in your best interest. You gave him the power, now you are still consumed with him, so he still has power over your life without even being aware of it or doing anything. About time you moved on and stopped thinking about it. Work on yourself, its clear you have a lot to do to build yourself back up still.

You’re obsessed with him. It’s like a project that your focusing on and has become your mind’s favourite subject.

Every time you think of him, STOP yourself. You can do it, but you need to train/check yourself every single time. It does work but you will have to build up your mental strength.

The bloke’s not worth you’re headspace. You know this.

Focus on positives in your own life and if there aren’t any, start working towards some. Little steps are fine.

Good luck💐

I know you are all absolutely right and it's really annoying that he still occupies head space . I kick myself every time . It's like a mental scab I keep picking - not so often now but still there

I mean he sold the house almost a year ago .

I think that in my head he's off living his best life, with everything he wanted and lots of money , while I'm sat alone , too Ill to go out anymore with nothing

I am not generally a bitter person. The way it ended between him and me was bizarre and I got zero closure . He skipped happily on to his new girlfriend .

I started off determined to be happy , sort my finances out, live the way I wanted
Instead I got diagnosed with a debilitating degenerative condition, have no money and an uncertain future.
I'm also too old to start again and too old to get a mortgage.

I was married (to someone else ) and when that ended I had bad credit , all sorted now.

I have a some equity from the marital home but can't get it yet and my ex husband refuses to sell . That's next on my list .

It just feels like sometimes really unkind people have all the luck .
And it would have made me feel slightly better to think ex wasn't living it up in his mother's enormous mansion with the gf and her child , with pots of money . Stupid I know .

You’ve been married since you split with this guy and now divorced? Do you think you’re obsessing about him as displacement because you’re still resolving the divorce with your husband?

When did you and the ex you write about split up?

No I was married to my husband and we broke up before I met the subject of this post

I've been single since .

I think you’ve had some slightly harsh responses here, OP so I’m going to slightly go against the grain. I think you already know that your focus on this awful man and his set up is wrong/unhelpful. So too are the comments calling you stalker-ish.

Is there something specific that has happened in your life - a recent injustice for example - that has prompted you to focus on him? I read your post and feel like you want some sort of validation from knowing he’s doing ok/better than ok because it will validate your own view that life has dealt you a bad hand. In actual fact it doesn’t matter if he’s in a mansion with girlfriend number 493, or rolling in cash. It’s more important to acknowledge that he was absolutely no good for you and that his absence from your life is a huge blessing. Whatever he has materially doesn’t make up for those fundamental failings in his character.

I think a new goal would be useful, OP. What can you do besides keeping tabs on this man?

Thanks

He isn't a constant preoccupation. Since my diagnosis (it's a life limiting degenerative disease) I did email him to say I hoped he was happy and could we just have a coffee sometime- but he never responded. He got the email because I sent it through work .

I told him about the diagnosis and asked if we could just sign off as friends . He completely ignored me .

When I was with him he was like a drug - It took a lot for me to leave because I had never fallen for anyone like I had him . But I did recognise it was a miserable situation. And it really was . He had pressed me into a termination of our baby well into the pregnancy because she was disabled and I did that because felt I had no choice . He was an utter utter bastard at the time too . There was too much resentment in me to move past that and he was a vindictive, selfish , horrible person around that entire situation. Too painful to go into but his behaviour was utterly disgusting.

I think the big event that's focused me back to feeling resentful is my diagnosis and the fact I have absolutely no security. I'm alone . I've hired home help . There is no one to love or comfort me and no one to help me . Anything I have I have to pay for . And my job is on the line as I can't do it . I'm not
Fit for purpose . I can't even work from home currently as I've lost my sight in time one eye . I'm coming to terms with the fact I'm sick , I'll never date again , I'll never meet anyone, I'm almost housebound. This is relatively new as less than 2 years ago I was a vibrant , active , fit woman with a physically demanding career and full of hope .
That's no longer the case .
My ex husband and I dont have contact, my children are adults off living their own lives .
I do have some things I need to do financially but my health took precedence. I'm just a shell of a person .
An ex colleague who I had a few dates with- supposed to become a fwb situation but turned out I counselled him to go try again with his ex !) called me a jinx. And I said how am I a bloody jinx. I talked to him an all he talked about was his ex and I said go back and try again - talk - he did - messaged thank you were giving it another go .

Ex husband has moved on - happy
Ex partner - subject of this post - dunno but is Teflon coated and devoid of empathy and emotion so presumable doing ok with his massive profit and his massive pension.

God I'm sounding g such a bitter hag ! I'm not really . I don't say anything to anyone. My best mate came over last week and said he just couldn't understand any of it and said no one makes him laugh more than me . I'm usually a really happy go lucky type . I've made the doctors laugh when I've been at my many many appointments lately . I am having a pity party for one arent I ?