The aftermath of an abusive relationship

[hwatbw]

I was in a relationship for 2 years, my first experience of abuse. I left him 10 months ago and have never regretted it for a minute.

Does anyone else look back and just be gobsmacked at what they've been through. From things starting so perfectly, to watching someone change in front of your eyes.

My ex was so nice to everyone in public, he would go out of his way to help strangers. At home he was angry, controlling, had insane mood swings, unpredictable and had me walking on egg shells. He would break things in anger. He belittled me and has really knocked my confidence.

And yet he still tries to contact me. Only recently he knocked on my front door. I blocked his number and he emailed me. It's been 10 months, he's got a new partner and he still tries to show up in my life.

Sometimes I look back and realise how bad the relationship really was and I'm shocked it even happened. It's mad how some people act isn't it?

I often look back, I was with my abusive ex for 14 years, I often tell myself in my head I was stupid for actually staying and putting up with it!

9 years on, that relationship taught me what was not acceptable treatment from a partner, someone who's meant to love you. I'm happily with someone else now who is great!

Yes I am the same. I broke up with ex H in November after 21 years together, 13 married. I look back and can’t believe I was with someone who thought it was acceptable to call me names, smash up the house in a tantrum, physically intimidate me and occasionally physically abuse me. No one guessed what our marriage was like behind closed doors.

It’s actually taken me months after instigating the split to really acknowledge to myself how bad it was.

I am now with someone who utterly adores me and I can’t believe this is what relationships can be like. I feel so lucky but also so sad for my younger self.

Oh god yes. It's actually really upsetting to look back at his behaviour and all his raging, screaming hysteria, adultery and ultimately violence. And that we lived with it. We actually lived with someone who not only thought it was ok to behave like that but felt it was our fault he behaved like that.

I simply tried to manage it. I think I thought if it didn't happen very often, we could cope with it. Except it got worse and worse and more frequent.

I should have fled the day he raged about my handwriting not being neat enough on the thank you cards we wrote for our engagement gifts.

But eventually I was so so scared for what would happen if we divorced. Especially to the dcs if they were left with a man who would kick off at being asked to fill in a form at the airport, drive like a maniac.

He now lives in a different country to us with his affair partner. Says he's received psychiatric help and his angry rages are due to ADHD for which he's on medication and he's a changed man. The dcs still don't want to see him regardless and he says he doesn't understand why.

@hwatbw we must have been with similar partners though mine was 5 years. He's made changes but the anger part is still there and the children tell me about instances very innocently so I realise he treats his current partner the same way. It's still very triggering to hear.

To the others who met someone after, I feel like im still scared when I meet anyone. The last few I've dated have not been like my ex at all but I'm so terrified of angry people generally. I wonder if that's weird and if I'll ever get over that.

It's so strange how it becomes accepted when you're in the situation, and how it feels impossible to leave. It look me so long to finally go, my friends and family couldn't understand why I was hanging around. But he was so clever the way he could switch from happy to angry in the blink of an eye.

@Loopylooni I can relate to feeling wary of new partners. I feel like I am now very sensitive to things that I previously wouldn't have been. I have a new partner and he treats me with complete respect and kindness, but there has been the odd time he's done something innocent that has triggered something in me.

I never thought that a relationship I'm not in anymore could still affect my life for such a long time.

Well, I think a lot of acceptance is down to relief. Relief that the rage is over, the emergency is gone, they've said sorry, adrenaline cortisol subsides.

I think it's primal survival mode. And it's also a well worn tactic by abusers. Make non abusive times such a relief that you're grateful and optimistic. Until next time.

You get so worn down, anxious and scared and worried, you just can't imagine coping outside of the relationship. You're broken by it.

This is what makes me cross about people who expect abused women / men to be able to pick up their lives and carry on no problem after the divorce. No recognition of the physical and verbal abuse and possibly financial too. It's devastating.

@BlastedPimples totally agree how everything is meant to be fine, but perhaps that's a pressure we put on ourselves. I thought I'd be fine too but a recent ex said something along the lines of 'I'm getting a little bit fed up of you doing x/y/z' ie bringing something up. My heart sunk as I knew those words from my abusive ex and suddenly I was transported back 6 years. My latest partner wasn't going to be abusive like my ex etc but it was triggering completely and actually we broke up soon after.

No. I think lots of work in therapy and being single is crucial after emerging from the hellhole of these relationships. Otherwise there will be a hangover into the new relationship and how is that fair on anyone?

Oh my god, this exactly.