Relationship with a widower

howoldamI01 · 2023-08-06T21:02:29+00:00

Is a man, who was widowed nearly 4 years ago after a 17 year happy marriage, but has around 30 photos of his wife, and a large portrait, really ready for a new relationship? This is very new territory for me, but I am wondering if he really has space for someone new in his life, despite meeting on a dating website..

FloweryName · 06/08/2023 22:07

The photos and especially a portrait aren’t indicative of his readiness for a relationship. They are just things that are up on his walls as momentos of his life or it could just be that he’s gotten used to them being there and hasn’t has a sudden urge to remove them all because why would he?

If you make it to his bedroom and all her clothes and toiletries are still there, then you’d have reason to run, but photos on walls are different.

I’m a widow btw.

Soccerlegs · 06/08/2023 22:10

Where are the photos? Social media posts or in his house? Does he have children?
I think nothing you said in your op indicates he isn't ready. She was part of his life for nearly 2 decades, it's more weird if he erases her memory. He will always have a part of him that belongs to her it's just how it is.. there are people who can't share not even with a dead person. All your op indicates is that he isn't right for you.

lonelyplanetmum · 06/08/2023 22:20

I've been dating a widower for three years. There are still dozens photos of his wife in the kitchen, dining and living rooms. Her books still on the bookshelves etc. However their daughter (now 19) still lives there too and I think it's fair enough that they keep a bit of a shrine. I do go around there but...
we do tend to see each other mostly out or at my house though.

WtP · 06/08/2023 22:50

OK it's a valid question but without context.
Are these pictures all around the house or are they on his social media?

I am a widower who was with/married to my wife for 37 years. I don't have pictures of her up in the house but have a few on my social media. I did date a divorced woman for a while but we both had issues with the relationship that meant it wouldn't have progressed.
I'm now with a widow who like me cared for their partner in their last years but now feel ready to love again.

SunflowerTed · 07/08/2023 00:11

when I first got together with my widowed partner he still had some of her clothes hanging in his wardrobe. We are now married and the clothes are long gone! Don’t judge a widowers feelings just by some photos or objects he has found comforting before he finds love again.

Original poster

howoldamI01 · 07/08/2023 07:39

Thanks for replies. Apologies yes, some context would help!
The photos etc are in every room of the house, he doesn't do social media. Clothes still hang in the wardrobe and her personal items are in some of the drawers (and no I don't go snooping).

I am not suggesting what he is doing is right or wrong, we all handle life and endings in our own ways. Its just I as a divorced woman have no experience of death like he has.

He has told me the pictures are there for ever, this is non negotiable and I either accept it - or not.

There are no children living at his home - he has her older children as step kids, having non of his own.

I am not judging him, and he feels free enough to talk of her often, and I hope I allow him the freedom to be/do whatever he feels he needs to.

Lonelyplanetmum - you seem to have found a good balance

OP posts:

barbarahunter · 07/08/2023 08:36

I don't like the sound of his non-negotiable 'I either accept it or not' stance. Sometimes widowers' attitudes are nothing to do with being a widower, sometimes the guy is just a twat anyway, and it's just coincidence that he's a widower.

I dated and married a widower and obviously it is not the same as being with someone who was previously single or divorced. One needs to be sensitive to his feelings regarding the late spouse, but at the same time the widower should be able to demonstrate that he is willing to build a new life with you. This does not mean wiping out the past, but it does mean looking fondly back at the past but with an eye to a new future happiness. If your potential partner is not able to demonstrate a willingness to move on, he is either not ready or not able. Or, as I said before, maybe he's just a bit of a twat.

FloweryName · 07/08/2023 09:11

I don’t see a problem with his non negotiable. We are all allowed to have boundaries and one of his is that he won’t be told that he has to remove pictures of his deceased wife from his home. That is fair enough.

As for the things in drawers and clothes still hanging up - it’s a very personal thing. I wouldn’t have felt ready to get into a new relationship before I’d made a good attempt to at sorting through my husbands things but there’s a lot of stuff and it would be impossible to erase someone’s existence entirely even if you wanted to. Clothes hanging up still seems a bit too close still, but clothes put away in a box to be kept shows a sense of moving forward.

He’s being upfront and honest and I would hope he would respect your choice about whether you can accept the way he is or not.

Jeannieofthelamp · 07/08/2023 09:17

I am a relatively young widow and it can be difficult to explain but it's so totally different to a relationship ending in other ways. For example, I will always love my late husband, he will always be a huge part of my life and he is often in my thoughts. That's not dysfunctional - it's normal grief. He was my all for twenty years. I have a lot of photos up and a lot of his possessions around. I like to be reminded of him. In my mind, I could box them all away but there's not really any point because that wouldn't switch my feelings off - I'd only be doing it to make others feel more comfortable. I'm not saying I speak for all widows as I know everyone is different but that's how it is for me.

I personally don't feel that any of the above means I can't commit fully to someone new. After all, he is dead - there's no competition. I have come to see that I love my late husband but I'm not in love with him, because being in love is an active process, it means being intimate with someone and caring for them in the here and now. If anything I value being in a loving relationship more than ever, I know what it's like to be in a happy partnership and I miss it.

FWIW i've dated and I have found it easier with people who've experienced major grief, not necessarily other widowers but sometimes men who have lost someone else they were very close to before their time e.g a child or best friend. I know it's very complicated and can be hard to understand and I do work hard to try to explain it to potential new partners. That's grief for you though, it's very complicated and difficult.

DumbledoresWand · 07/08/2023 10:23

I dated a widower, 4yrs after his wife had passed away. It didn't last long. The only room in his house without a photo of her in it was the downstairs loo.
Her clothes were still in the wardrobes.
He realised he wasn't ready, and as a previous long term singleton, I was probably the wrong person for him to have a relationship anyway.
7 years on and we have stayed friends, but he has not dated since - to my knowledge - the clothes have slowly disappeared, and he is gradually building a life for himself, although I do sometimes think his life is on pause, and he's just waiting to die.

stuffnthings · 07/08/2023 10:54

Jeannieofthelamp · 07/08/2023 09:17

I am a relatively young widow and it can be difficult to explain but it's so totally different to a relationship ending in other ways. For example, I will always love my late husband, he will always be a huge part of my life and he is often in my thoughts. That's not dysfunctional - it's normal grief. He was my all for twenty years. I have a lot of photos up and a lot of his possessions around. I like to be reminded of him. In my mind, I could box them all away but there's not really any point because that wouldn't switch my feelings off - I'd only be doing it to make others feel more comfortable. I'm not saying I speak for all widows as I know everyone is different but that's how it is for me.

I personally don't feel that any of the above means I can't commit fully to someone new. After all, he is dead - there's no competition. I have come to see that I love my late husband but I'm not in love with him, because being in love is an active process, it means being intimate with someone and caring for them in the here and now. If anything I value being in a loving relationship more than ever, I know what it's like to be in a happy partnership and I miss it.

FWIW i've dated and I have found it easier with people who've experienced major grief, not necessarily other widowers but sometimes men who have lost someone else they were very close to before their time e.g a child or best friend. I know it's very complicated and can be hard to understand and I do work hard to try to explain it to potential new partners. That's grief for you though, it's very complicated and difficult.

Very much agree with this, I agree with every word, it's just as I see things. I'm a 40 something widower and this sums it up for me. It's a separate thing, difficult to describe, you still have the love for the person but you can also be in love again with someone new.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 07/08/2023 10:58

‘true love in this differs from gold or clay
that’s to divide is not to take away’

continentallentil · 07/08/2023 11:02

It wouldn’t bother me that the photos are there now. (The clothes are a bit odd.)

But the non negotiable stance is a clear red flag that he doesn’t want a relationship just an arrangement for sex and companionship, so if you aren’t up for that, move on.

continentallentil · 07/08/2023 11:08

stuffnthings · 07/08/2023 10:54

Very much agree with this, I agree with every word, it's just as I see things. I'm a 40 something widower and this sums it up for me. It's a separate thing, difficult to describe, you still have the love for the person but you can also be in love again with someone new.

Show quote history

I don’t think there’s any reason not to have photos and things belonging to the person around - they are part of your life and you will always love them - and anyone who doesn’t get that shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who lost a partner.

But 30 photos in an average sized house is a lot, and if that’s not negotiable in any way, that would indicate to me that someone isn’t ready to have a relationship.

That’s not because having photos of a late partner is odd, but because having a successful relationship means compromise and considering your new partner’s feelings.

stuffnthings · 07/08/2023 11:16

continentallentil · 07/08/2023 11:08

I don’t think there’s any reason not to have photos and things belonging to the person around - they are part of your life and you will always love them - and anyone who doesn’t get that shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who lost a partner.

But 30 photos in an average sized house is a lot, and if that’s not negotiable in any way, that would indicate to me that someone isn’t ready to have a relationship.

That’s not because having photos of a late partner is odd, but because having a successful relationship means compromise and considering your new partner’s feelings.

Show quote history

Oh I agree, I think a few items around the house is fine and I completely understand and would be considerate to the feelings of others. As I and PP said, you're in love with that person in the here and now, so of course you would be considerate. But you still have love for the person who has gone, but it's different and separate, is what I'm trying to say.

Original poster

howoldamI01 · 07/08/2023 13:52

It is a great relief to have the views of you all that have been there and understand what he is feeling. I am sorry for all your losses - its a wonderful thing to have loved and been loved, even more devastating to loose that love.

I have empathy and love for him but cannot truly understand as it not something I have been through.

Of course a few photos are fine - I would think it even more odd if there were none.
But this is a very small house and very little space for the new.
I stay over regularly, I mentioned that I felt a bit uncomfortable with all the photos of his wife in the bedroom. He took great offence at this, moved them, and was then very uncommunicative for nearly a week, and told me never to ask him to move any more because he couldn't handle it.

Nowhere to go after a statement like that, other than on I suppose.
The problem is mine, he is very happy with how his house is and not for me to say otherwise.
Thanks again

OP posts:

stuffnthings · 07/08/2023 14:19

howoldamI01 · 07/08/2023 13:52

It is a great relief to have the views of you all that have been there and understand what he is feeling. I am sorry for all your losses - its a wonderful thing to have loved and been loved, even more devastating to loose that love.

I have empathy and love for him but cannot truly understand as it not something I have been through.

Of course a few photos are fine - I would think it even more odd if there were none.
But this is a very small house and very little space for the new.
I stay over regularly, I mentioned that I felt a bit uncomfortable with all the photos of his wife in the bedroom. He took great offence at this, moved them, and was then very uncommunicative for nearly a week, and told me never to ask him to move any more because he couldn't handle it.

Nowhere to go after a statement like that, other than on I suppose.
The problem is mine, he is very happy with how his house is and not for me to say otherwise.
Thanks again

Just read your update. With regard to the bedroom photos and becoming uncommunicative, he is being unfair to you IMHO and it does seem he still has some things to work through.

I wouldn't have a problem with moving them whilst a partner was staying over at all, it would be a considerate thing to do for the person you are in love with surely(?).

KnitFastDieWarm1 · 07/08/2023 14:30

I've recently come out of something similar with someone whod been widowed since 2015. Unfortunately I never felt comfortable mentioning the massive pics in every room, and 5 years into the relationship it was impossible to bring up, so good for you.
The A1 size wedding pic in the bedroom was very off-putting.
It wasn't a reason why we split up BTW but looking back it was one of many red flags.

VinEtFromage · 07/08/2023 14:34

howoldamI01 · 07/08/2023 13:52

It is a great relief to have the views of you all that have been there and understand what he is feeling. I am sorry for all your losses - its a wonderful thing to have loved and been loved, even more devastating to loose that love.

I have empathy and love for him but cannot truly understand as it not something I have been through.

Of course a few photos are fine - I would think it even more odd if there were none.
But this is a very small house and very little space for the new.
I stay over regularly, I mentioned that I felt a bit uncomfortable with all the photos of his wife in the bedroom. He took great offence at this, moved them, and was then very uncommunicative for nearly a week, and told me never to ask him to move any more because he couldn't handle it.

Nowhere to go after a statement like that, other than on I suppose.
The problem is mine, he is very happy with how his house is and not for me to say otherwise.
Thanks again

@howoldamI01

yeah, I would move on from this situation before you get any deeper. He's clearly not ready to give himself to a new relationship.

His reaction to you is too raw for him to be a good partner to you. He's not open to caring about your feelings.

it's not about the photos

i totally understand him not wanting to remove all of her photos/things, but having to be asked to remove them from a bedroom he wants you to be in is a pretty clear indication he's not ready to make space (figuratively) in his life for someone new. Saying what he said, just confirms it.

you'll just get hurt time & again if you stay with him.