Over 40s and marrying again after divorce

[Shesheadingonin]

Following on from the other thread, I’m 47 with two teens, divorced 5 years, bf divorced 7 years, one daughter. Been together 3 years. We see each other fortnightly due to distance and work. I always said I wouldn’t marry again as I don’t want to share finances. After a very stressful separation and divorce, I managed to work more hours to get a mortgage and the kids and I now live in our own home. Bf (48) has his own home too and is in his daughter’s life fully. We have a lovely relationship, the best I’ve ever had. I’m older, wiser and realise where I’ve been going wrong all this time, incompatibility and men who had trauma they never addressed. He’s a keeper, I feel very lucky, as does he. But I don’t want to marry again. I want to ensure my kids are well taken care of financially which I’ve worked so hard for. That’s not to say I don’t trust him but I know how a person can switch when they’re angry. However, he has had a change of heart and says he would love us to marry one day. He also realises he was very incompatible with his ex wife and believes we can work through anything, I agree, he is a good, decent man. Two things: am I being selfish to want to remain in our own houses and still be together or can this not work being so far apart (80 miles given we see each other once a fortnight)? Is this sustainable? I really want us to work long term. Are we setting ourselves up for heartbreak if we cannot compromise? Why do other people marry again after a divorce when they have their own kids and don’t intend on having more? Thanks for reading.

One of the main basis for a relationship is compromise so yes you both have to
compromise.
You don’t have to get married though.
Maybe you both have to wait for the kids to be finished school before you have any massive changes . I think you will both get to a point where you will want to move forward and find a way, and as you know if you don’t then you would have to separate .
Stability for children is your priority and rightly so, don’t be pressured to give that up but you can make steps in the future for change.

My parents made a massive move when we were kids and shortly after split up and my dad moved out. My mum never moved from
That house ( for any man ) she said she wouldn’t jeopardise us kids home .
My mum had other relationships and also re married but she remained in that home.

I agree with Takeabreather; focus on getting the 3 children launched into adulthood. I would also say to ensure you each ring fence those assets which you want your own children to benefit from and be open about this.

My observation of friends who have gone through similar blending would be that issues can arise when the biological parent wants to favour their child in some way, which may seem detrimental to the new partner. Sorry if that’s a bit convoluted, I may not be expressing myself well.

There are quite a few similar threads about this and an area I'm interested in. I've just spilt up from a boyfriend for some of these reasons - the difference is that he's not been married or had kids, and wanted all of that. And I felt the same as you, protective over something that was hard won.

I think I'm clear in my mind now that whilst I wouldn't rule out a marriage, it would be later in life when the kids are moving in whatever direction they're going in and the risks financially are reduced.

You probably need to have a very frank conversation really, which can be scary. But it is sensible to do it now.

I held off the conversation while I tried to work out my feelings, and in reflection it made me quite reserved and guarded, which wasn't very fair on him. But then he was the one applying the pressure a bit.

I am a similar age and remarrying.

Several factors have helped me make the decision:
1st divorce amicable
Still friends with my ex
New DP and I have equal assets and neither had money issues as singles (this is so important as that fear of loss is removed)
He has no children
He gets on very well with my children, involed affectionate, makes time etc and his extended family have embraced us all
We live together but rent ( 18months of trial so far) and will buy a new home together
I want us both to have legal rights when sick, work pensions Etc
Inheritance tax protection
And I love him and am proud of him and want him to be my husband

I think living apart relationships can work really well. It keeps it fresh and you don't have the mundane grind of domestic life, just enjoy each other.

I like having my own space and being in control of my household/finances. Living together means a lot of compromise. Also my experiences with my stepdad as a teen were difficult and I've never wanted to risk my children's happiness at home because of that.

Maybe you could think about moving closer to one another in time, or maybe you'll feel differently when the children have flown the nest? I would just enjoy what you have in the meantime.

You see him fortnightly so as much as I am really pleased that you have some happiness read that back to yourself. Until you live with someone for a while you don’t get the whole warts and all experience. DS and his GF are moving in together next year. They seem really meant for each other but this will be the real test.

In the future if it’s still going really well live together but neither sell and see how it goes.

I agree- two separate questions here - moving in/moving closer to each other, and marriage. I'd separate the two and do the first waaaaay before the second (if ever)

I'm really glad you have rebuilt such a happy life and found a lovely relationship - great stuff, OP!

I don't think you are being remotely selfish and see no reason why you can't continue with things as they are.

You didn't specify exact ages of dc but when they reach later teens you have a very different relationship with them and your life is likely to change dramatically and you will have a lot more free time.

Best to cross that bridge when you come to it but it sounds like you and your bf will both be crossing it at similar times.

Once a fortnight and 80 miles apart, I don't think I'd be making marriage decisions with that level of interaction.

Even if you communicate a lot, it's not the same as being actually in their company.

Why not just work together to make plans to live togther, see how it goes.

I think it would be very hard to sustain a relationship at that distance. I hear what you're saying about marriage but I think if there's a future in this you both need to live together. You can get a lawyer to draft something to protect your assets for your kids but if you see a future with him then you need to take a leap of faith.