Mother's alcohol issues

[Avabarth]

My Dad was an alcoholic and it badly affected my childhood. Eventually, my mother left him but only after I'd left home and when she'd met someone new. I often think her meeting someone else was the only reason she left, like me and my sister weren't good enough reasons. That was 12 years ago.

We get on well although I moved away 7 years ago and we see her every 6 weeks or so. I have children although I'm now divorced.

Her now boyfriend fosters bully dogs with a range of histories and issues, so me and my young children are unable to stay with her for visits as I believe it's dangerous. Many are pitbull crosses. We therefore have to now rely on her visiting us.

She is a career driven woman and can be rather assertive and abrupt when she wants to be. However, the other side of her is that she's tragically become a bit of an alcoholic herself. I feel like I'm dealing with two different personas. She will slur on the phone and send ridiculous messages when she's drinking at night. Often, saying things like she knows me and my sister don't like her anymore. Then I'll broach this with her when she's sober and she'll suddenly try to take the higher ground, speak down to me "I know exactly what I said and I have my reasons" and then refuse to talk about anything.

If I try to speak to her about alcohol or the fact that she lives with a man who makes it impossible for her family to ever visit her, she will turn the tables, patronise me about my divorce and my ex husband. Make comments like "well, I won't tell you what I really think" and "I think this conversation had better end before I say Something I regret."

She is all fine provided everything is going the way she likes it to. She is struggling to even organise herself and I ask her for details of her visits days ahead, like times and other commitments she has and she refuses to give me much information. She then arrives when she feels like it and seems to just plonk herself on my sofa and I have my own commitments and life demands to be getting on with and the lack of planning is causing me immense stress.

I've spoken to her about this, told her the visits are becoming a pressure and shes "very hurt." when she's sober she becomes patronising and deflective and when she's pissed she becomes very victim like. I love my mum dearly, but I am starting to lose patience.

Any advice?

Sorry to hear this, OP. It all sounds very one-sided and focused on your Mum's needs, I'm not sure what you're getting out of this at all. It sounds like she picks you up and drops you whenever she wants and is quite passive-aggressive as well. You can't force another adult to change their behaviour so I would just reduce contact, really. It doesn't sound like much of a relationship.

If you are uk they can't be pit bull ddogs of any mix... Personally I don't like my dc around people who drink alcohol. Imo your dm made her choice many years ago.

When she visits @PurpleSky300 she takes myself and my children out to dinner which she always pays for and I appreciate this hugely being a single parent as I never stop cooking. She has also been at the end of the phone when I've needed a cry and a moan throughout my divorce (before 6pm anyway because she drinks after that time). So in some ways I feel guilty not to feel more accommodating of her visits but I just feel fed up. I'm disappointed in her about the alcohol use. I struggle to empathise at all with it due to my childhood..also find myself thinking that I've managed to get through a divorce without reaching for the bottle so why does she. I can't tolerate it at all. I just feel like she lacks any form of self discipline but then she tries to take the higher ground during discussions as a way of deflecting.

I'm in the UK @Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets this confuses me as he's had the last one for around 12 months and he's definitely a pitbull mix. The vet has been treating him and hasn't challenged this which made me question the laws around this?

Pit bulls are a banned breed and would be pts. As the law requires. Lots of other breeds look similar. Genetic testing is used to clarify.

She's also implied that I'm a snob because I asked her not to speak over me when my neighbours pop over to ask me a question. 🤔🤷‍♀️

Drop the rope here and drop all contact with your mother. Her thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from. Her primary relationship is also with drink.

If she turns up you do not have to let her into your home. It also does your dc no favours either for them to be seeing you as their mother being bullied and otherwise mistreated.

You would not tolerate this from a friend and your children need emotionally healthy role models as grandparents in their lives. Your mother and her boyfriend are unsuitable people to be around and thankfully you do not see this man anyway. You have a choice re your mother, your children do not. Do not have such a person like her in your life. I would also suggest you contact Al-anon as they are helpful to those affected by another persons drinking.

One thing you can do is not speak to her when she's been drinking. My DB(ro) is a recovering alcoholic (because you are never actually 'recovered') and in the 'before times' I could tell when he'd been drinking. It sounds as if you can with your mum, too. I told DB when he was sober that I would not speak to him nor be in his presence anywhere if he had been drinking. If he called in that condition I simply said in a 'factual yet neutral' tone "You've been drinking. Call me when you're sober" and put the phone down without giving him a chance to argue. If I had to temporarily block his number, I did. I also refused to talk about his drinking even when he was sober because all it did was end up in him making excuses or accusing me of 'exaggerating' or being 'paranoid' about the amount he drank. Besides, 'ain't no point in talking if there ain't nobody listening'. Eventually he got the message. And he got sober 8 years ago. But it took me taking a severe stand, enforcing my limits, and stopping enabling. Sometimes you have to let your actions speak louder than your words.

I know as a single parent you enjoy the meals out and whatever else it is your mum does for you. But is it really worth it? You need to realize that every meal, every favour you accept from her is, in her eyes, you accepting her excuses for and/or her denial of her behaviour.

Dealing with an alcoholic loved one is pure D hell. It hurts and it destroys. But refusing to deal with them can end that pain and destruction. Either because they decide to get sober or because you end up cutting them out of your life. I'm glad I didn't have to do the latter with my DB, but I would have rather than tear my heart into pieces over something I had no control over and cause pain to my DH and children by them having to see me in such pain.

Remember:
You didn't cause this
You can't control this
You can't cure this

I suggest you find your local chapter of AlAnon. It's the AA branch for families of alcoholics. You will find knowledge and support with them.

She knows she's got an alcohol problem. But she also doesn't want to have to admit she's got an alcohol problem because if she does then the only sensible thing for her to do would be to stop drinking. She doesn't want to stop drinking. So if you raise the subject she'll start an argument and/or turn the tables on you so that the topic of conversation moves away from her alcoholism onto something else that doesn't threaten her drinking. This is nothing personal. It's just something that alcoholics do.

The big thing is that while it's obvious to you that her alcohol problem is causing problems in her life and damaging her relationship with you, she doesn't have to agree that she should stop.

Could you start erecting some stronger boundaries to protect yourself from her behaviours? Eg, refusing to answer calls or messages from her after 6pm, only meeting her in public places at pre-arranged times, being prepared to leave if she's not sober and so on?

OP, your mum has the disease of alcoholism. It's not something that you can influence in any way. You can't make her stop drinking by anything you say or do. It is irrelevant how much she loves you or your DC - she could be the best mum in the world but that would not stop her drinking.

I would walk through fire for my son but when I was in active alcoholism I would have stepped over his body to get to my next drink.

The only thing you can do now is to drop the rope. Don't engage with her when she's been drinking, and don't rely on her, because alcoholism is a progressive disease and she will become more and more unreliable as it takes more of her. The disorganisation is a classic indicator that she's no longer in any semblance of control of her drinking and thus her life.

I second Al-Anon as a resource for yourself to help you step back from her right now and also to address the way your dad's drinking affected you as a child.

I appreciate it must be helpful but that's not much, OP. Taking someone out to dinner and listening on the phone occasionally is ' bare minimum' stuff that I'd expect of any friend, it's not something worth clinging on to from your DM when she's prioritising everything else above you most of the time. She is responsible for her own choices and all you can do is draw boundaries and be responsible for yours too. You're being used.

It's ironic that you say I'm being used @PurpleSky300 as she believes I use her. She's babysat my kids about 6 times in the last 5 years and she makes sure I know about it when she's been drinking. My inlaws babysit every week, twice a week after school. The difference is stark but You'd think she was a night in shining armour. I guess her limitations are much much lower.

I think al anon is a great idea.
Since age 12, I've always felt I don't have "normal" parents. Always left to fend for myself. Their dramas were always bigger. A big part of my divorce was around my ex husband not understanding that I don't have the support he does so had no family to lean on when he lumbered me with babies to go on work trips abroad etc. The tentacles of alcoholism spread far and wide.

You're really too hard on your mum and too critical of her.