Help me work this out please

[GoingInsaneAhhh]

Ive NC for this (sorry this is long)

I would like to end my relationship. Ive been unhappy for a while. DH knows this and its been building. Hes done nothing about the points ive raised. Im now at the point where ive just accepted this is who he is. I dont want to continue to be around him. Stop the bus i want to get off and live my own life. Sad as it is.

we both work full time. I do all school drop offs/clubs/general lifts. Im the school contact and do all the school mental load inc packed lunches etc

he lives like another person in our house taking on the bare minimum of parenting tasks. I do bedtimes, wash clothes, clean house, strip beds, put bins out, were 50:50 on gardening and cooking.

im the one who deals with all bills and try to save what i can. We have separate money. We always have. Id hate to pool it as i know he would spend it, more so than me (currently what he does with own money and claims hes got no cash).

the big one - his drinking. Do you think this is a lot? Ive had conversations with him about his drinking and he says im making a fuss over nothing. He tends to drink all week bar one day (sometimes all week). Always an excuse to drink. Around 5 cans of lager a night but then probably those plus pub pints at the weekend, plus wine. He regularly goes out for meals/nights away with his friends. Recently he has started to almost hide his drinking. Yesterday, he went pub for two, then came home with four large bottles of beer, plus a bottle of wine. He put one beer in the fridge, other bottles disappeared. Wine went into a cupboard in a bag behind other items. The way he quickly hid everything like he didnt want me to see it, just odd. Yesterday it was 2 pub pints, 4 large bottles of lager and glass of wine. He will stay up late to drink mostly when im putting the kids to bed. He will also wash up any evidence of his drinking like glasses and put them away. He comes to bed snoring and stinking of alcohol. He’s obviously getting acid too as hes taking Rennies.

i just feel like ive had enough. There are a lot of resentment through the years of his behaviour. When i think back im angry im still stuck with him. We dont have sex. Dont go out together. We live separate lifes but in the same house. When i talk to him About it all, he tries to shut me down, says why you bringing that up from the past, tells me because i dont drink i think everyone has alcohol issues, laughs when i say he had a problem and that everyone else drinks like him.

with his drinking, he also has a short temper and no patience. He has often blown up over things. Slams doors, kids stay out of his way when hes like this and i end up walking on egg shells.

says he doesn’t want to split up and wont. Wwyd?

Show him you’re serious by seeking legal advice and from there commencing divorce proceedings asap. it’s not up to him and you’ve had enough.

Alcoholism is also called the family disease because you are all affected by the alcoholic. Your own recovery from his alcoholism and acknowledging the roles you have played in it will only properly start once you have removed yourself entirely from him.

You are living with an alcoholic who does not want you to leave primarily because you’re doing all the work and otherwise enabling him to carry on as he is. Talking to such a person about his drinking was and remains a complete waste of time and you can only help yourself and your kids by leaving this current situation which is untenable. Do not further make this dysfunctional marriage the cornerstone of their childhoods.

That is a lot of booze! I don't know many people who drink every night.

He sounds like he has a very cushy life and I'm not surprised he doesn't want it to end. If it was me I'd start legal proceedings and then he has no choice.

I have been thinking about applying for a divorce but i didnt know if thats too much for him to take. I mean every time i bring up separation, its like im having the conversation for the first time. I wonder if he’s literally not listening to me/taking it in. I must have split up with him 10 times now! I feel like im banging my head against a brick wall. Were not moving forwards. Yes i agree, he does gave it far too cushy.

i talked to my sister about it and she minimised it all asking if its really necessary to split up and why cant we stay as a family unit for the kids. I feel let down by her.

also, do you think this is alcoholism? He holds down a full time job, doesn’t need a drink first thing, only drinks lager/wine not spirits

Although I don't drink myself, yes that is a lot and surely must be adding up a fair amount. I would say if refuses to stop or is unable to go a while without drink, then possibly alcoholism. There are functional it's not always drinking constantly in a stuper.

Ultimately, if you are not happy and there is no change being made or any sign of acknowledgement you're talking to a wall. If it's a case of you've had the discussion multiple times but it really is like out of the blue each time for him, he may be playing mind games.

It doesn't matter what others opinions are about the situation, if they haven't lived it or only see one side of his character and not what you see at home then they won't understand. People don't understand what they haven't experienced.

All that matters is how you feel, this doesn't have to be your lot, you have one life to live.

Thank you for your responses

I think whether or not it's alcoholism is neither here nor there. You don't want to be around that amount of drinking. It's making you not find him attractive/want to be with him. That's the point.

Absolutely, i dont find it attractive if im honest. The drinking constantly all weekend, no help cleaning the house, washing up, doesn’t even consider putting clean sheets on the bed.

its just with him shutting me down, plus my sister thinking im making an issue when there isnt one in his eyes, its just made me second think if im being petty. Is this what all 40 year old men do?!

Unfortunately it seems a large proportion of men are selfish arseholes but no not all men are like that but I think rarer perhaps. Although I'm not 40 yet, I did the cleaning, cooking, washing, beds and cared for the children whereas my wife did barely anything.

It shouldn't be that way and I just don't understand it to be honest.

That’s a hell of a lot to drink. How does he even have time to a) go to the pub b) drink so much at home? Is he tired and ratty all the time? This sounds awful for you. Sounds like you and the children would be way better off without him. And your sister sounds unhelpful and unsupportive.

Its not a nice atmosphere when hes been drinking. Hes fine when sober but when hes drinking eg cooks dinner and the kids dont eat much, he will be pissed off and we all know it.

If hes cooking for me and him, if drinking, sometimes he can start it at 5pm but doesn’t serve it until 10pm! Im past the point of being hungry by then. Generally though when drinking, he will have a chip on his shoulder that any interaction between us is met with him having the attitude of - well it wouldn’t be right, i might have known, you're so hard to please. I just keep quiet, you cant have an opinion and give constructive feedback!!!

kids just avoid him. They are aware he drinks too much

I don't understand what there is to "work out?" You're married to an abusive, useless alcoholic and you're miserable. Stop inflicting this environment upon your kids and divorce him already. You don't need his permission or agreement to get rid of him.

That's a lot of alcohol. I would start looking into how to separate ad he won't change and it's not healthy for you and the kids. Don't listen you your sister. I am so sorry you are experiencing this.

No it's not what 40 yo old men do. My dp likes a night out with the boys once in a while. We go out together more often.

He doesn't drink at home. He helps me around the house. He helps me with the kids (they aren't his!) he takes them to football training. He gets them up for school. He helps with their clothes shopping.

I agree with a previous poster. Your DH is a functioning alcoholic. My ex husband was the same, held down a 9-5 mon to fri job, but did bugger all else beyond that apart from drinking, most nights he would be on the sofa until 3/4am then come to bed and snore and stink. I had to ask people to stop buying me alcohol as gifts for birthdays/Christmas because I wouldn't see any of it,

I left him. It was all my fault of course, and the only thing that stopped his drinking was when he had a mini stroke 2 years ago. He stopped drinking that day and hasn't since, he's a much better father to our boys now.

Thanks. Im just drained by it all. I want him gone. Living out of the house. I just feel like i needed you guys to kick me up the butt and get on with it.

If you can't have a good time without any alcohol (or whatever) that's an indicator that you have a problem.

Your sister is not recognising the impact of growing up with an alcoholic parent let alone living in an atmosphere of walking on eggshells. Children cannot thrive in this.

I hope you have the incentive you needed.

If you can't have a good time without any alcohol (or whatever) that's an indicator that you have a problem.

absolutely! Ive tried to tell him this. Its almost like he has this belief that as an adult he has the right to drink and drink whenever he likes. There is no other way! I know there is as ive given up since becoming a parent. Its just easier to parent when straight. He cannot understand or believe it to be true. Idk 😞

I don't think there's any point in trying to point out the drinking issues to him. Because really he is right, he can drink himself to his very death if that's what he wants to do. It is his right. And unfortunately if that is his lifestyle then he is very unlikely to want to change it and you speaking to him about it is likely to come off as nagging. He's not at all open to making a change.

It doesn't mean that you have to stick around and let your children grow up with it though