Ashamed of my awful STBEX husband

[Aussiedreamtrip]

I’m not sure that I can explain this very well, but my husband and me are on the verge of splitting up. it’s me who wants to split as I have finally admitted to myself how unhappy he makes me

family and friends have been really supportive but what makes me feel so weird (I can’t think it a better word) is how much they absolutely despise him, now that they feel they can be open with me about him

I’m not surprised ( he’s horrendous and I’ve always known deep down they hate him) and I don’t feel particularly sorry for him as everything they say is true.

he’s treated me really badly over the years, I know the comments are to show support and convince me I am right to leave him (he is doing everything can to stop me)

it’s more that I’m so embarrassed as I know that all along they’ve been thinking less of me for being with him.

it’s like my toes curl when they start listing all his (many) faults and I imagine what they must all have been secretly thinking at my wedding .

i know it’s not the most important thing to focus on, but just wondered if anyone else has had this feeling and how you managed it?

I think I would ask them to focus their efforts on supporting you and that you are well aware of your STBXH shortcomings and that is not helpful to be reminded of them. You’ve been very brave to make this step - no matter how difficult someone is, of course you started out your marriage thinking/hoping it would work out. They probably feel they have carte blanche now to let it all out but that is so unfair on you. Tell them straight out you don’t need to hear it.

I’m in a very similar situation, divorcing a man who has treated me appallingly off and on for two decades. My friends all dislike him, which is understandable as I have always shared with them. I don’t really think of it as embarrassing though, I use their support as a crutch. So when ever I feel like I should give in to his demands to make life easier I go to them and they put right back into fuck him mood. I need people to be entirely on my side as I feel I was somewhat manipulated by him for decades. His actions broke my confidence and it’s very hard to repair a broken mindset.

My sister took 25 years to leave her abusive ex but I didn't judge her.

Abuse traps you and makes it hard to leave. I just supported her and celebrated when she finally left him.

Maybe they're not judging you, just letting you know that they know he's awful.

Abusers drag you in and trap you, it's very brave to make the decision to leave.

I would do as @AncientBallerina suggests. Telling you once (or maybe twice) what a prick this guy is is one thing, but just constantly banging on about it helps no-one. You, and they, need to be focusing on the future and how much better that is going to be. I would definitely ask them to stop offloading on to you - and I would tell them it makes you feel embarrassed and you just don't need the torrent of negativity. Until it reaches the point where you can have conversations taking the piss out of him and get some relief through laughter, this isn't helping.

I only express my feelings about my friend's appalling ex when she mentions him first and is actively looking for some 'what a twat' type support (this is not difficult to provide, the guy is a Class A dickhead).

So I will end my post by taking my own advice and congratulating you on getting out and wishing you all the best for a much happier future.

They don't think less of you for being with him! They don't like him but that doesn't mean they blame you in any way. I dislike my friend's husband (he's selfish and lazy IMO) but it honestly doesn't affect the way I feel about her.

They love YOU and wouldn't have criticised him before for fear of losing you.

Thank you for all your kind comments

They have no shortage of material as he is definitely a Class A dickhead!

I will have a think about how to gently signal that I’d rather be talking about the future free of him (and how to get there, he’s fighting me every step of the way)

I don’t want them to think I’m defending him or backsliding into staying with him.

it’s just mortifying to be reminded of how much crap I put up with

hopefully one day in the future I can laugh about it all!

They want to make sure that you don't take him back - they're reminding you of everything they know he's done and they've thought because you might (many women do, after all) feel lonely and start to think it wasn't so bad and maybe you've been hasty.

I know what you mean. When I split up with an ex of 8 years my friends all started saying how they thought he was a creeep and gave examples of stuff he had said. This was NOTHING like the person I knew, and nothing to do with why we split up. It felt really weird that they'd had that view and never mentioned it but suddenly found it a free for all once we'd split.

I don't think they'll be judging you, more likely pleased that you've seen the light.
Have you thought that they're listing his faults as a way of backing you up, helping you to stick to your guns by reinforcing just how bad he was or the fact that now you've made your decision they feel that they can freely express how they feel about him after probably keeping their thoughts to themselves while you were together for fear of overstepping or upsetting you?
I've done this myself, not liked someone's partner but kept quiet until they've split then it's all come spewing out, I've got a big mouth!

Don’t be embarrassed - he will have been on his best behaviour for you and you will have had emotions and investment in the relationship clouding your judgement - as most people would have done.

also they ought to be a bit embarrassed that they didn’t speak up sooner didn’t they?

Plus he is the villain here - nothing for you to be embarrassed about.