Domestic abuse/ autistic meltdown

[Mumtoboys1]

I don't even know if this is the correct topic/thread or whatever and im super nervous about posting this but I really need some answers/advice because seeing a counsellor just takes too long.

So, my partner is diagnosed ASD. Relationship has never been good, there's not been one stable week in probably the whole time. There's been instances throughout where he has gotten physically aggressive.. throwing stuff ect. Doors have been punched through. Family who I've spoken to about this and other professionals a long time ago labelled this as domestic abuse. I have to admit that if it was anyone else I would agree but because my partner is ASD I have a split brain which tells me this is the reason it happens and it is meltdowns. I will admit I do have PTSD symptoms because of this but I mainly blame myself for not being more helpful to him in order to help him be more stable. We have 2 kids and I just find it all so hard. I feel awful on the kids and a terrible mum but at the same time I feel or would feel massively disrespectful on their dad if I were to tell him to leave due to disability.
I have no one to talk to about any of this except family and they're obviously one sided.
Most of the worse stuff has not happened around the kids thankfully. I just can't wrap my head around wether this is abuse and what do I even do. Especially the PTSD symptoms and walking on eggshells because things can be so unstable I feel I have to be on top form to try and manage his moods. But people with ASD struggle with stuff like emotional regulation and outbursts so I'm confused., And that's where I get the idea I'm just not good enough and a crap partner because I can't help.

Do you want an echo chamber?

Presumably you understand that ND individuals are just that - individuals? With different values, histories, beliefs? Thankfully most people seem to be in agreement with one thing: it is not ok to be an abusive cunt to your loved ones regardless of whether you're NT or ND.

And I can't speak for other posters but I'm ND. Are some of us not the 'right kind' of ND because we hold views different from your own?

Why do you think neurodiverse mumsnetters haven't experience abuse from neurodiverse men?

Some neurodiverse men behave in a violent and controlling way towards their loved ones when they can't cope. Do you want us to pretend this doesn't happen in neurodiverse families as it is inconvenient to your narrative?

Exactly this. ND women are often attracted to ND men. Women with ADHD are at increased risk of domestic abuse because we can be easier to gaslight and the abuse cycle can really get our dopamine going. ADHD is a common comorbidity with autism though autism may have separate risk factors too.

(I'm not sure who you were talking to @coldcouture but I agree!)

So ND women can't describe their experiences of domestic abuse by ND men because this is 'autism bashing', even though in some cases the bashing they are experiencing is actual not metaphorical? You want that to remain our dirty little secret, so we don't tarnish brand 'autism'?

The op is not neurodiverse,..this thread supposedly is for neurodiverse mumsnetters .
that was my point ,and only point .

I didn’t say that though did I? I didn’t say that ND people are t capable of abuse but this board is for ND people so I don’t think it’s appropriate for an NT to come on here and profess to have an understanding of autism and go into detail of how (and why in her opinion) the abuse took place. In fact it isn’t appropriate on any board because you know full well that Mumsnet is full of neurotypicals talking about us as if the way we think is wrong.

If you feel that it’s acceptable then that’s fine but I don’t think it is.

I have actually experienced abuse from an ND/BPD man.

I agree ,this is a board for neurodiverse mumsnetters .
the op is not neurodiverse
the thread should be placed elsewhere on mumsnet

You clearly didn’t understand my point ,never mind .I guess it was to hard to grasp

Or perhaps it was poorly explained?

What exactly is the issue?

The OP doesn't mention any ND but her partner is diagnosed with ASD. Where exactly is she 'allowed' to talk about it?

If she posts on ND she will hopefully get informed answers but you don't think she should? But if she posts on the main site she will be hounded for apparently being 'ableist'.

Is she supposed to just stfu because some posters don't like the fact that her diagnosed autistic partner is abusing her? Where is she 'allowed' to ask for advice and support?