Feel in such a pickle

[solosunflower]

Hello all.

Feeling really overwhelmed tonight. I am a single mum to a 4 month old baby. Father has no contact. The last year has been so, so difficult. The pregnancy came completely out the blue and many a time I considered putting my son up for adoption. I feel such intense guilt that he has no family besides me. I haven't spoken to my father for 18 years and my relationship with my mother is very complicated. She is a hoarder and emotionally abusive. I spent most of my 20's in and out of eating disorder units, at one point I was so starved the consultant told my mother I would die. The eating disorder wiped out a large chunk of adulthood, which has really put my career back. I'm terrified of ruining my son's life! I can't sleep through worry. I'm so poor right now on SMP too. I've been trying to have a relationship with my mother for my son's sake, but it's killing me. I feel so trapped. It's like I'm back in her clutches because of my son, plus she's helped me by buying nappies and formula. She can't really help me in any other way because she doesn't drive and my son can't go to her house due to it being a hazard. I feel like I'm drowning thinking about what a mess I'm in. I have a mortgage, which I would not be able to afford at the current interest rate. I actually hate my house, but bought it in a panic. I feel so guilty that I've brought myself into this situation and it seems so difficult to make it right with my financial hardship.

Sending hugs.

It sounds like you're doing really well - being a lone parent with no family support is so tough.

Firstly I'd say, will your son benefit from a relationship with an emotionally abusive person? You have no obligation to have a relationship with your mother. If it's causing you stress, distance yourself.

Secondly, you sound like you do need more support, understandably. Can you ask your HV about services and see your GP too for mental health support? Ask for a referral to Home-Start or other single parent groups. Get to know some other parents in similar situations so you can offer each other some emotional support. Do you have any aunties/cousins / siblings who might be a support?

All your baby really needs is your love and attention. You are enough. Give him your love and attention and you won't ruin his life. To be a good parent however means looking after yourself, don't underestimate this.

Why does baby's father have no contact? Is he on birth certificate? Can you seek maintenance? Can I ask why you've not spoken to your own father for so long?

What about grandparents on the fathers side?

Just because he doesn't see his child there could be a loving extended family on his side.

That sound really tough, OP.

Have you made sure you are claiming any/all benefits to which you may be entitled?

As others have suggested, reaching out to your Health Visitor/GP for some initial support and signposting to suitable resources/groups is really worth doing.

I hope you're able to find the support you need for both you and your son.

Try not to let your thoughts overwhelm you. You CAN do it. Ask for support as others have said.

I personally wouldn't try to force a relationship with your mother - have her in your life on your terms but not so much that it becomes an additional stress.

You're in the most intense stage at the moment - every age has its challenges but none is so intense and overwhelming as those first few months.

Congratulations on your baby. You sounds so stressed you poor thing. Are you going to baby groups? Made any mum friends?
Please be compassionate in your situation. It's hard. You don't Have to get back in contact with your mum.

You sound like you’ve done amazingly well to have fought a battle with an eating disorder and managed a job & bought a house.

I am not surprised everything feels overwhelming at the moment. You have a tiny baby that is dependent on you. Like others have said, get all the help
available and ask the health visitor what you’re entitled to financially and emotionally.

You don't need a relationship with ANYONE for your son's sake, much less anyone who is an emotional drain on the both of you. It's okay if you let that relationship go.

I'm sorry you're struggling. I remember your original post. I hope you and baby are doing well 💙

First of all, well done!

To get from serious eating disorder & with controlling mum, to independent, job holding, home owning mum is no small achievement.

I think you need to distance yourself from your mum, since she was the source of all the issues to start with. Have you asked your gp or health visitor for a food bank referral? Have you claimed all the benefits and grants you can?

Don't worry about the house, if it is warm, safe & dry, your dc won't even notice it for at least another five years. That's an issue for another day. The first few months are tough. Right now, the two of you need to nest & focus on each other. Good luck, you are doing so well. ❤

The hardest bit of single parenting is the first few months and if you have successfully come through that then you have done amazingly well.

I think that looking forward is often more helpful than looking back if you’re feeling anxious.

Can you make a plan to help support with formula, wipes and nappies so that you don’t need to ask your mum unless you want to. There are lots of baby/children charities which give them for free, and food banks do as well.

Do you have a plan for when you are gong to start back at work? Once you have a date etc managing on smp might feel easier because you can delay some things until after you start back.

Have you looked into what benefits you’ll get once you’re back at work?

Do you have a plan for building connections for your son? Things like going to baby groups would be really helpful.

Do you have an idea in your head for how you can get more support for yourself? Can the gp help? Or is there a local charity that can support you?

Seeing all of those questions written down probably feels a bit overwhelming but my anxiety always feels better when I have a plan and feel like I know what I’m doing. So if you can gradually write yourself a plan that might help….

That's one way of looking at it.
The other way is that you've overcome an eaten disorder and started on the property ladder. You may not live there forever but at the moment you've put a roof over your sons head. You may not have a high flying career now, but that's not to say you won't in the future.
Lots of people would view you as strong and successful with lots of potential OP. Perhaps try looking at it that way. X

Hello, sorry I've not come back to this thread sooner.

People comment all the time about how smiley and happy my son seems. This gives me the biggest reassurance.

@Namechangedforthis2244 The current plan is to start back two days to give us time to settle into a new routine. Originally I was going to do this at six months, but now I think we need more time. I have looked at the entitled to calculator, and it works out that should I do 20 hours or 70 hours I will be no better off due to childcare. The more hours I work, the less support I get. It will be tough because I'll take home a bit less than before, but now I'll have a baby plus some childcare to contribute towards. I keep telling myself I need to get good a budgeting.

I am trying to access some therapy through the perinatal team, so I'm in the best place mentally for my son.

Thank you to everyone who replied. I am feeling better today.

OP Universal credit will cover up to 85% of childcare cost so you should be definitely better off unless you spend on childcare more then the maximum amount they can cover (that's why it's not always better to work full time).
Maybe call them directly and ask for advice?
Also when they turn 3 free hours start which makes it much easier.
I ve been in similar position then you sobI completely understand how stressful and hopeless it can be but please trust me there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it will get better!
And the most important person in your son's life is you. Many people raise their children as single parents/away from family that's why it's so important to build your own support network. Good friends can make life 100 times better.

I'm in awe of what you've achieved, bearing in mind the challenges you've faced. I understand why you feel overwhelmed, but you don't have to worry about all of your life, and your baby's life, right now.

Things can change. Things will change. Right now, you know you have a happy baby and you want what's best for him. You are all he needs right now.

Take things one step at a time. If it helps, write down all the things that are bothering you, all the things you'd like to change. Then pick off one thing at a time, and incrementally work your way forwards. Only ever focus on the next challenge.

Before you know it, through your own efforts and determination, and because life throws up opportunities here and there, you will be on your way towards the life you want for you and your child.

You're amazing. Your son is lucky to have you.