Husband tried to sign up to dating site?

[ilovelasagne]

Ok bit of back story.. married for 12 years with two boys, both under 10 . Been a rocky road after first son was born. Husband very selfish, didn't realise it until a couple of years ago that I was being gaslit, taking verbal abuse and terrible name calling.. but it took me a fair number of years to hit rock bottom and for a friend to show me I was in an abusive situation with a covert narc. Tried to get out, not finding it easy as probably trauma bonded and also don't earn enough to be anywhere near confident financially. Husband also functioning alcoholic (will only admit to this whilst drunk) and has begged me to help him, not leave him.. he's told me he nearly did something very silly last year if you get what I mean.. but when sober he denies he has an issue... so I'm still here but feelings are gone really. And he's still abusive. He tells me constantly I'm too sensitive and effing mental and that no one else would want me cos I'm such a psycho. Etc.

Fast forward to this morning, was clearing up in son's room and found husband had been using his comp and his mailbox was open. Went to shut down comp as was going out with my kids and saw a "welcome to eharmony" email. He'd used a fake name but his own email address. Wondering what to do. How to confront him. Tempted to sign up and catch him in the act but my friend said you have to pay to use the site. What would you all do? I know I need to book in with a solicitor next week to discuss starting off a divorce.. but interested to know if you guys would leave it be re. Dating site info, try to find him on the site, or screen shot the welcome email and send it to his family (I'm tempted with that one)... trying to be a "bigger person" but I'm not sure he deserves that!

Sorry…. Why are you still in this relationship… honestly sounds like he’ll. leave him

Don't waste your energy. Spend your time on yourself and kids. Making a plan. Not with this sort of bollocks.

Sorry I misread. I see you want to start divorce. Don’t have any practical advice other than speak to a lawyer. Good luck

Feed what you want to grow.

Feed your self esteem, your relationship with the children and your future.

Starve what you want to whither. Starve your focus on your partner. You have fed it much too long. Don't give it a single morsel.

Collect evidence but only look at if you need to feed your resolve.

It is exhausting isn't it? You seem to have become hyper vigilant. Gaslighting does that to you. It's so much better when it ends.

Use your energy in planning your life without him. Figure out what you need and can do to try to make that life the best it can be.
Realistically - you’ll be entitled to half of all assets, and some child maintenance. Plus your earnings. Plus - maybe some benefits.
Start from that and think about how to organise your life. Or if you need to do something to up your earnings.

You are married to an abusive alcoholic. And have been for years. Not sure why a sign-up to eharmony is something that really bothers you at this stage. Maybe it’s the last straw - than grab it and stop waiting for some miracle.

Don’t send the email to his family. What would that achieve? He’ll just say it was spam and you will look as crazy as he says you are. His family will not be on your side.
And - more importantly - WHAT WOULD IT ACHIEVE???

This is when you screenshot and record everything for your solicitor. good luck, you deserve better x

Hello OP what did you do in the end? My husband has done the same.

Sorry only just seen this. Saving up to divorce him.
I confronted him, he denied it. Then said his mates probably did it in the pub and he can't remember(!) then he said he was prob drunk when he did it. The sign on time was 1pm(!) and it takes ages to get an account up with that site, there are about half an hour of questions.
I then found a tinder gold subscription. It was only a couple of months but £30 a month! Not even the free one! I confronted him very calmly and recorded the conversation. Once again he denied it at first. Then said he just have been drunk. Then admitted it saying he only wanted to look around. Then accused me of cheating because apparently I would only know to look in subscriptions for it if I was doing the same thing myself. Utterly bonkers!!!!

It really doesn't matter, OP. Fault divorce doesn't exist any more, so you're only beating yourself up by chasing his intended infidelity. Calmly get on with divorcing him and look forward to life without an abusive alcoholic. It's great (voice of experience).

Thank you. Does he know your intention to divorce him? Im so sorry you found more. My husband tried to set a dating profile up at 1am. Half completed, never activated, welcome email in his inbox asking him to complete his account. At first he said he couldnt remember, then it was a joke, then he set it up to view a celebrities profile. I then found his cam girl account (no interactions but still). Oh and before we got married i caught him sexting a woman (just once apparently). Im in total denial as he is so kimd and good in the day to day. I wish you well OP. Thanks for replying.

Maybe if he finds someone else, he'll fuck off. Win win.

Seriously looking around for an affair is nothing in comparison to him being abusive.

@Annoymous1 I've told him I've had enough and that I've taken advice from a solicitor and want to get the house to a point where we can put it on the market. He doesn't believe I've done all that, but I have. I've seen several solicitors to get as much advice as I can and found one I like. He said first job is to sell the house and as we are half way through renovations I need to stop them and get it to a state that's good to sell. OH doesn't seem to want that. Not sure he believes I'll go through with it. But I have more issues than the dating sites. He's been verbally destructive for years, but im only just waking up to it all. I've realised he's gaslighted me for years, destroyed my self esteem all the while telling me im the crazy one, im overly sensitive etc. I'm in a different county to my family so pretty isolated and it's mad how much his words sank in and I believed them. Lived in a fog for years. Got two kids so was desperate to try and fix things to keep us all together but OH doesn't believe he's in the wrong. Everyone else is to blame. There's no changing Jim so I have to leave for the sake of the kids. I have no money though and im scared but I can't stay. Desperately trying to save money now for the divorce so I can finally push the button on it.

I guess the decision is easier for me as my OH was generally horrible in the day. Not always, but he kept just enough of good times to keep me picking out the breadcrumbs. It must be harder when all other things seem fine. But. Healthy marriages don't involve dating apps. Why has he felt the need to "look around". I hate that as an excuse. I got that from my husband when he finally admitted to the accounts. He just wanted to "see what was out there". Urgh. And then what..? Whatever his intentions, you can bet he'd THOUGHT about what would happen afterwards.
Do you have kids Annonymous1?

Sling him out, what a waste of yours and your children's life's, wasting it on a functioning alcoholic, you only get on life.
Get rid of the excess baggage and focus on your children

Im so sorry you are in this situation. This sounds incredibly heartbreaking. And my thoughts are with you. Lived in a fog for years is a great description and applies to me. I have kids. Over the course of 9years my husband has sexted someone, then flirted online with an ex, i devided to turn a blind eye at this point. Then he got fired for sexual harassment for sending a woman a porn image of a penis (i know), then was the camgirls and the dating profile. I couldnt understand it as he was great in the day to day. Cooked, cleaned, foid shopping. I could wake him at 2am to do a chore and he would. He was that reliable guy. That good guy. But then theres the other stuff. Im just so sick of it.

@Annoymous1 the thing you have to keep remembering is that you deserve better. I know first hand how difficult that is to sink in. The gaslighting really does get to you and affect your view on everything. I would never ever have said I'd ever be in this position , but here I am. What he's doing simply isn't any part of a healthy marriage. What my husband was doing wasn't. But it took me a hell of a long time to realise that and come to terms with it. That sounds insane probably to most people who haven't been in that kind of abusive relationship, but to others who have will get what I mean. The confusion and self doubt are utterly crippling and they play on it. I'm only now just getting strong enough to see it all. Just need the money to leave now.
Have you confronted your OH about any of this? Just remember. Cleaning and being helpful around the house does not make up for infidelity, disrespect and downright violation your marriage. What helped me was to write down the things he's done and read them back. When you see them listed out, it's more shocking and hits home.
You don't deserve this. You deserve to be loved and respected. And as much as your husband cleans and helps out, he's not showing love or respect to you when he's sending pictures of his knob to other girls.
I know how hard it is to feel trapped and stuck though. It's like you can see what happening but you're stuck in treacle. It's frightening. But I've come to the point where even if I have to live in a wheelie bin for a bit, I'll have more respect for myself by leaving. The kids will too. They'll understand at some point. Sending huge hugs. I know how difficult it is

How are things @ilovelasagne? Hope you managed to leave!

Honestly, I wouldn't waste your energy on confronting your husband at all. Make an appointment to see a solicitor and see where you stand legally. Your priority is to get yourself and your children out of this abusive marriage. Confronting him isn't going to achieve anything, other than him manipulating the situation, so suddenly it's all your fault in some way.

OP.

You can leave him purely because he's an arsehole.

All you need is your own permission to be kinder to yourself than to him.

If you need others' support, you have it from all of us and by the sound of it from your friend who helped you see what he is. LEAVE HIM. He's poison to your soul. Tell his family about him if you want but does it really matter what they think? They're probably nuts and toxic hence why he is.

You need to not care how he feels (just like he doesn't care how you feel) or what his fmaily think. Life is short and he is ruining yours.

Old thread but.. I did it! He made the divorce horrendous, tracked me, put listening devices in my car, was the most toxic he’s ever been and it cost me a small fortune with a solicitor and ended up legging it with less than what I would have got in court.. but it’s done. I’m divorced. Kids are ok and I’m in a gorgeous little place near my friends and the schools. It took a while but I finally moved this October just gone. I can come home, draw the curtains and don’t have to worry about hearing cars in driveways etc. He’s coparenting terribly but I expected that. He can’t stand the fact I’ve actually gone and left him AND have a decent house in a decent area. I’m just making sure his shitty coparenting style affects the kids as little as possible (he still has 50/50 custody so is tricky at times), and I’m utterly utterly skint(!) but so much happier. The kids had “the best Christmas ever” apparently so I’ll take that with bells on x

Well done OP! Great update and congratulations on getting through it and creating a happy future for yourself and your children. I hope your positive update will inspire other posters who are struggling to escape from toxic relationships and show that is possible to come out the other side.

Amazing!!!! The kids saying about the best Christmas ever is worth absolutely everything.

So often OPs just stop posting and it feels like they have been pulled back into their shit lives as it's easier and less daunting. You are inspirational!

Fantastic update, all the best for the future x