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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Silent treatment! Just why?

13 replies

becauseicanthatswhy · 05/08/2023 21:58

Why do people do this?

Why does he do this?

I am making plans to leave btw, and I'm just thinking over things. The silent treatment has ALWAYS been his favourite thing to do over any dispute or whenever I do something he doesn't like. Like silent and unwilling to look at me. I had the silent treatment for 2 days the other week because I went on a night out to the local pub with my mum and brother. My mum was feeling down so we dragged her down to her local to cheer her up and let her hair down. I had the silent treatment to the point where he won't even look at me never mind ask me about my night.

Last Christmas I went to the works do, partners not invited, just staff. It was a sit down meal followed by a disco. I dressed up as it was Xmas, (I rarely get chance to put a dress on) he literally couldn't look at me. Acted as if I wasn't in the room. Spoke to the kids as if I wasn't there. He didn't wish me a good night, didn't say goodby. The next morning he didn't ask me how the night was or even the food. Instead I had the silent treatment for 2 days.

Communication is scarce anyway but the silent treatment really crushes me, it makes me sad, angry and the rest of it.
Some times I can't even identify a reason but I ask him about it and he will say I'm imagining it or I'm simply being paranoid. But I swear, I can read a room, I know when he's being silent, his body language and everything.

Do they do it on purpose?

OP posts:
mycatsanutter · 05/08/2023 22:20

Of course he does it on purpose , he wants to spoil your fun because he is a controlling twat , good you are getting away from him , soon I hope ?

Original poster
becauseicanthatswhy · 05/08/2023 22:25

mycatsanutter · 05/08/2023 22:20

Of course he does it on purpose , he wants to spoil your fun because he is a controlling twat , good you are getting away from him , soon I hope ?

Yeah as soon as I financially can. I'm just venting at the moment as I've nothing better to do tonight 😂 Silent treatment is my biggest annoyance and I can't believe Ive allowed it!

OP posts:
JibbaJab · 05/08/2023 22:30

So sorry you are having this it's fucking awful. I had this for years with my wife, refusal to look at you, talking to the back or side of a head, making you feel like a ghost interacting with children and walking right past you. It's the cruelest thing.

I can only reference my experience, which was historically abusive, but for me it was a punishment and it was the same each time. It was either something I had said, did or didn't do or doing something for myself or others. It would generally last around six hours but sometimes days or weeks and would only end when she deemed it was enough and I had apologised for doing nothing wrong.

It's emotional/Phycological abuse and the result is you are left frustrated, confused and doubting yourself and reality, why are they doing it, why won't they talk, what have I done, did I do something wrong? Unable to move on from the torment of your own mind until they end it.

As in the example of you going out enjoying yourself, in my experience that would have been a betrayal, jealousy and paranoia of you having a good time with someone else, they weren't and they felt slighted. You have enough of that silent treatment, you may start to think twice about doing it again basically. However, it doesn't matter either way because there's always a use for it for other things.

Until eventually, you have no friends, no family and are totally isolated unable to feel like you can do anything for yourself and are totally glued to them and their needs.

Obviously mine was extreme, I don't know if you have other issues aside this but be wary of that silence, don't let yourself get dragged down and unable to live and enjoy yourself or your own identity.

Little tip that may work, don't chase as it makes it last longer. Mine wanted that and seemed the more I tried the longer it became on the next run.

RamblingRosina · 05/08/2023 22:35

Some people use silence as a weapon.
If l experience this type of behaviour, l instantly check out.

Original poster
becauseicanthatswhy · 05/08/2023 22:43

JibbaJab · 05/08/2023 22:30

So sorry you are having this it's fucking awful. I had this for years with my wife, refusal to look at you, talking to the back or side of a head, making you feel like a ghost interacting with children and walking right past you. It's the cruelest thing.

I can only reference my experience, which was historically abusive, but for me it was a punishment and it was the same each time. It was either something I had said, did or didn't do or doing something for myself or others. It would generally last around six hours but sometimes days or weeks and would only end when she deemed it was enough and I had apologised for doing nothing wrong.

It's emotional/Phycological abuse and the result is you are left frustrated, confused and doubting yourself and reality, why are they doing it, why won't they talk, what have I done, did I do something wrong? Unable to move on from the torment of your own mind until they end it.

As in the example of you going out enjoying yourself, in my experience that would have been a betrayal, jealousy and paranoia of you having a good time with someone else, they weren't and they felt slighted. You have enough of that silent treatment, you may start to think twice about doing it again basically. However, it doesn't matter either way because there's always a use for it for other things.

Until eventually, you have no friends, no family and are totally isolated unable to feel like you can do anything for yourself and are totally glued to them and their needs.

Obviously mine was extreme, I don't know if you have other issues aside this but be wary of that silence, don't let yourself get dragged down and unable to live and enjoy yourself or your own identity.

Little tip that may work, don't chase as it makes it last longer. Mine wanted that and seemed the more I tried the longer it became on the next run.

This sounds so much like my partner. Talking to the side of a head, getting no response or just a mutter. Acting as though I'm blooming invisible and there's not real reason for it.

I'm only just beginning to realise what's been going on. I have another thread on here about him finally admitting what he thinks about me. It's been a bit of a wake up call to be honest and now I'm starting to realise what a awful person he is. I'm trying my best not get all bitter and resentful over it

OP posts:
JibbaJab · 05/08/2023 22:56

@becauseicanthatswhy Yeah, I was so lost in it I didn't even realize what it was and got sick, lost my mind. Only having distance and writing down everything from the beginning did I see a pattern.

Mine started off with just silent treatment, then it moved to the children and then it changed again. What would happen is I would get endless amounts of hatred spewn at me, while I'm trying to communicate and figure out why and fix it. As soon as I would address it, bang no eye contact, back of the head. If I moved around would turn their head away and then eventually would stand up, storm off and silent treatment for however long.

Even had instances of actually encouraging or persuading me to do things or go out, only to do it anyway. Couldn't win.

Again, mine was bat shit crazy all round but in my case, bringing it up or calling it out brought out something demonic. I unfortunately made the mistake of standing up for myself and calling it out after I got away as was manipulating me still and I have now received the mother of all silent treatments and have been fully erased. Taken the house, money and children are being withheld.

So, yeah mines just and example and may not be same for you but just be wary because I thought would get better and I have come to realize she's just void and no amount trying would fix that.

JibbaJab · 05/08/2023 22:58

@becauseicanthatswhy Also, what do you mean what he thinks of you? I take it it's not nice?

FinallyHere · 05/08/2023 23:02

but the silent treatment really crushes me,

That is why he does it.

Could you try showing a sunny face, not even noticing that he is ignoring you? I think it would be worth it.

It would drive him wild.

Morewineplease10 · 06/08/2023 08:49

Leave. There is nothing else to be done sadly. Its an awful way to treat someone.

yellowsmileyface · 06/08/2023 10:29

I empathise. This was a favorite tactic of my ex. I actually didn't know it was an abusive tactic at the time, and it always made me feel like I'd done something so wrong. Sometimes I had no idea what I'd even done, and it was so frustrating not being able to just talk about it and try to resolve things. It would create such a tense and uncomfortable atmosphere and I always felt so stuck in it as it was up to him to decide when he felt like forgiving me. All the while I'd resent him for being so cruel and acting like such a child, but by the time he decided we're good again I'd just accept it and be grateful because the whole thing wore me down so much. It all felt so demeaning and dehumanising.

It's definitely on purpose, and it's definitely a punishment.

I'm glad to hear you're making plans to leave. My advice in general right now would be to just be civil and grey rock him. Don't get roped into trying to engage if he's giving you the silent treatment. Just focus on yourself and the kids and let him be stroppy. I know it's easier said than done, but you have our support.

TheCatterall · 06/08/2023 11:31

My ex did it. It was actually a relief once I switched my mindset to it being like a child sulking. I’d be happier and just crack on and pretend he wasn’t doing it, make my own plans, cook things that suited me for dinner - because well if he’s not talking to me he doesn’t get a say in what happens for dinner or around the house. If folks rang and asked for him or about him I’d cheerily say I didn’t know what he was doing/feeling etc as he’s currently in day X of his sulk and not talking to me. I wasn’t hiding his shit from anyone.

I wasn’t at risk of physical violence though as he was too cowardly. Sulking. Shouting. Throwing things yes. He pinned me against the wall once and I could see he was contemplating punching me. I told him to
crack in but if he lifted a finger to
me I’d wipe the floor with him. He was a lot shorter than me and I had years of repressed anger.. luckily I got my ducks in a row soon after and got him out.

perfectcolourfound · 06/08/2023 17:45

I echo pp.... great that you're making plans to leave and in the meantime just ignore his stupid sulking and silent treatment. Pretend you haven't noticed. Don't try to engage with him, don't try to talk him about of it, or to cheer him up, don't let it affect your mood (at least as far as he can tell). Just get on with your day, enjoy yourself, have fun with the children, take them out and about, don't let him bring the mood down.

Mix56 · 07/08/2023 10:00

The silent treatment, is a deliberate punishment, it is part other abusive behaviour, ex. not liking what you wear, not liking your friends, not liking your family, (all whilst not admitting it), not accepting you have any personal liberty, other friends, not liking you going to sport, other activities, stalking. financial restriction. usually whilst also being very demanding & often unpleasant, keeping your walking on egg shells. feeling gloom when he comes home!

The only real solution is to walk... for you & your DC, who will also not be comfortable.

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