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Original poster

Oh out with old mate

29 replies

sunsetocean · 05/08/2023 20:10

Oh meeting mate from the past today.
The mate never really liked our relationship and used to make backhand comments to me. They were best mates when young and I came along. I tried really hard to involve them and be friendly.
Anyway just want some advise on how to be pleasant and not question my oh on return home just want to be pleased for them meeting old friend. I can imagine me getting into a argument which I don't want.
They are out at mo and friend is sort of person who would be glad if my oh strayed. We are all middle aged now but when they together I don't trust his mate.
Unbeknown to his mate my oh almost left me a few years ago when he went out to dinner with another lady. It broke my 💔
And then when questioned was leaving me. We worked things out but there's not a day I don't cry over that time as was devastating.
Now I just sit in house on own and worry as what his friend would have wanted almost happened back then. I feel terrible anxiety tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunsetocean · 05/08/2023 20:16

Anyone out there?
Feeling very low tonight

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2023 20:20

Your problem isn't the friend, it's that you don't trust your partner. With good reason.

Pablothepalm · 05/08/2023 20:21

Saw this and didn’t want to run. I really feel for you. Do you have kids together? How long have you been together? Own a house etc?

what did. OH do to get your trust back?

sodthesodoff · 05/08/2023 20:23

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2023 20:20

Your problem isn't the friend, it's that you don't trust your partner. With good reason.

I agree with this

I'm so sorry. I can hear the anxiety in your post

But I think tonight is just triggering your fear of him leaving because he's done it before.

How did he build your trust after that?

Original poster
sunsetocean · 05/08/2023 20:26

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2023 20:20

Your problem isn't the friend, it's that you don't trust your partner. With good reason.

I don't because of what he did. When he is with me you would not think it of him but I think he is different when not with me

OP posts:
Original poster
sunsetocean · 05/08/2023 20:27

Pablothepalm · 05/08/2023 20:21

Saw this and didn’t want to run. I really feel for you. Do you have kids together? How long have you been together? Own a house etc?

what did. OH do to get your trust back?

Got family house 34 yrs together

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 05/08/2023 20:29

I agree with some others and think the problem is with trust. You were hurt by your oh and now worry when he goes out. This friend didn’t encourage him to do anything, he made those past choices himself. The friend made it known he wasn’t keen on you but by the sounds of it, oh put you first .

Everyone is different when they hang out with friends compared to their partners, not sure why but I guess people put on more of an act than with their spouse.

When he comes home ask if he had a good night and what he got up to. Try not push the questions, to avoid any argument then be pleased for him having a night out.

Lapflop · 05/08/2023 20:30

I agree with a PP, it isn't about his friend, even if he encourages whatever (which is awful and you'd hope he'd shut that down and stick up for you) it's ultimately your partners decisions and actions; and you don't trust him. Can't blame you for not doing so, nor for not liking his friend, but realistically the thing to address is whether you trust him, and whether you want to spend the rest of your life crying everyday- I'm sure you deserve better.

Original poster
sunsetocean · 05/08/2023 20:39

He apologised for going for meal with female and made out another guy was supposed to be there but I dont believe.
He has apologised but he doesn't understand I felt very bad back then as one day working, next day 30 yrs of marriage gone, and in same house with him still saying for a week he didn't want to be with me. We ok now but sometimes I feel real anger towards him inside as he wrecked me as a person as he was the first guy I really trusted. I love him but sometimes really hate him for ruining that lovely safe happy person I was.
We are ok and he does show me a lot of love but I am still really disappointed in him. The lady he had lunch with us still friends with him and why she doesn't F off I don't know

OP posts:
leopard22 · 05/08/2023 20:39

No one can make him do anything he doesn't want to do, if his mate encourages anything like that and your OH goes for it then the only one to blame is him.

I know it's easier said than done, but if he wants to cheat, he will, sitting at home worrying isn't going to change the outcome, you can't worry the chance away- it's understandable why you don't trust him but that won't change his behaviour.

Original poster
sunsetocean · 05/08/2023 20:42

leopard22 · 05/08/2023 20:39

No one can make him do anything he doesn't want to do, if his mate encourages anything like that and your OH goes for it then the only one to blame is him.

I know it's easier said than done, but if he wants to cheat, he will, sitting at home worrying isn't going to change the outcome, you can't worry the chance away- it's understandable why you don't trust him but that won't change his behaviour.

You are right.
Next time he goes out with this pets I'm going arrange a night out with my mates

OP posts:
Original poster
sunsetocean · 05/08/2023 20:42

And be super dressed up😂😂😂👍

OP posts:
RandomForest · 05/08/2023 20:42

Sounds predictable.

Old wingman comes back into his life, any chance this old friend has gone through separation or divorce himself ?

Anyway it appears you oh has been quite cruel and rather than reassuring you he has uped the anti by reconnecting with his old pulling friend. Nice, sounds like he's in full mid life crisis mode.

You deserve better.

Royalbloo · 05/08/2023 20:43

Be pleasant and don't ask?

Royalbloo · 05/08/2023 20:45

Give him all the rope to hang himself with.

Original poster
sunsetocean · 05/08/2023 20:45

Just feel shit these days and lonely even when people around me.
I used to think I was lucky and then could not believe how ruthless he was the week he didn't want me. I was thrown away like garbage. A week later it was all a mistake but it still eats me up now. I having a few drinks alone tonight so emotions raw and anger surfacing

OP posts:
Royalbloo · 05/08/2023 20:45

And ask if his friend is happy or settled? In a genuine way. I bet he isn't either!

Royalbloo · 05/08/2023 20:46

Put your foot down! Tell him what you want/need and then detach.

5128gap · 05/08/2023 20:47

If your husband is committed to you, nothing his mate says can change that. In fact your husband should be defending you.
Obviously him nearly leaving over another woman has really shaken your trust and confidence in him, and so its understandable you feel insecure. He's not helping with that because the information around this woman seems very sketchy and inconclusive.
If I were you OP, I'd do some hard thinking about whether living with this level of doubt and anxiety where you think he'd stray on the word of his mate, is worth it, or if you'd have greater peace of mind if you just brought it on, ended things and moved on.

Royalbloo · 05/08/2023 20:47

You're not lucky. He is.

Re-frame the whole thing and make yourself no 1 x

Hawkins009 · 05/08/2023 20:49

sunsetocean · 05/08/2023 20:45

Just feel shit these days and lonely even when people around me.
I used to think I was lucky and then could not believe how ruthless he was the week he didn't want me. I was thrown away like garbage. A week later it was all a mistake but it still eats me up now. I having a few drinks alone tonight so emotions raw and anger surfacing

That's a thing with some people, sometimes they don't envision the years together, sometimes it's more like oh the grass is better with eg Lucy I'll try a relationship with her instead, rather than fixing my marriage of 30+ years etc

RandomForest · 05/08/2023 20:53

sunsetocean · 05/08/2023 20:45

Just feel shit these days and lonely even when people around me.
I used to think I was lucky and then could not believe how ruthless he was the week he didn't want me. I was thrown away like garbage. A week later it was all a mistake but it still eats me up now. I having a few drinks alone tonight so emotions raw and anger surfacing

It's quite typical of a man whose basically started taking his wife and family for granted, they misbehave, get caught and then throw the I'm leaving you and don't care one iota card, it must have been devastating for you.

It's to shut you up and put you in back in the box without him having to do any of the work to repair the hurt he's caused. You will never feel better unless he addresses his ill treatment towards you.
I doubt he will do that because he wants it all ways.

File for divorce, if he loves you he will fight for you, if not you have your answer and he wishes to throw everything away and discard you. He sounds a complete idiot who may learn too late what he actually had.

Silly man.

Hibiscrubbed · 05/08/2023 21:26

The mate is probably a prick, but he’s got nothing in your H. He’s something else… 😵‍💫

Original poster
sunsetocean · 05/08/2023 21:58

Hibiscrubbed · 05/08/2023 21:26

The mate is probably a prick, but he’s got nothing in your H. He’s something else… 😵‍💫

He is.....😂

OP posts:
Original poster
sunsetocean · 05/08/2023 21:59

Royalbloo · 05/08/2023 20:47

You're not lucky. He is.

Re-frame the whole thing and make yourself no 1 x

I going to

OP posts:
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