Separated from H, has anyone done this and still lived in the same house?

[DoFliesHaveKnees]

Separated from my husband on Thursday after finding out he has been cheating with a female friend.

He was on his last chance as we have had previous issues with him speaking to females over text (just friends) and then getting emotionally involved with an old school chum.

This happened back in 2019 and after going to couples counselling, we sorted things out.

Covid struck and we were forced to get things together again, which we did, but I am first to admit that if it wasn’t us having to spend all the time with each other, things would probably be different.

We have been together for 20 years and married for the last 13 years with one child. I openly admit that I have trust issues due to a previous relationship and have tried hard not to let this affect this relationship. He has not made this easy as over the years there have been things that made me suspicious, like him being secretive over his phone, telling lies for no reason etc.

when I found out about the cheating, I told him this was it, he’s had all the chances I am willing to give, probably shouldn’t have given him any chances to be fair!

We have spent the last couple of days going over our finances. I certainly would struggle to get a mortgage, I think, so we have decided to house share for a while and he has moved into the spare room.

What I wondered if there are any mumsnetters who know of anyone who manages to live like this? We both still love each other and we are best friends. He admitted himself that he had an easy life at home with me and our child and this was an extra bit he was having on the side just because he could.

If you have managed to read this far, any advice would be welcomed

That's sad to hear but well done you for being strong. I know someone who did this, financially they couldn't separate, so they did exactly this. My friend kept busy every evening with the gym etc and socially very busy until one of them moved on and moved out. Good luck OP

Has he broken up with his mistress? It's going to be hard trying to let go of any feelings you have if he's officially dating her now because he's technically "allowed" but you don't want to know about it and if he goes out at night or the weekend then your imagination will be fucking you up. I had to live with ex until he moved out (same reason) and it was bloody valentines during that time which was really hard.

💐 to you OP. Hope things get sorted quickly

I know a couple who on the surface have done this because the husband had a long term extra marital relationship. They apparently remained in the house for financial reasons and children. The wife had a relationship but the husband didn't care but he's apparently not allowed to or she'll kick him out. It's crazy. They never divorced.

We have been in this situation since Jan. It works OK on the whole, but I think that's because I am prepared to play nice after his indiscretions.
It's the easy option for him as he doesn't want to separate so why would he want to move out and see the kids less.
However I think we now need to make progress to move on and are starting to sort finances a bit better and will tell the kids soon.

I did it for about 8 months. The relief when it was over was something else - you can’t move on if you’re living together. You’re in limbo.

The first thing you need to do is get a good solicitor and speak to them. I assume you’re married so you may be entitled to more than you think

If you're best of friends, it should be OK, although obviously not ideal.

Read Daphne Rose Kingma, "Coming Apart" ... It might help you both to accept that your relationship has run its course.

Congratulations if you manage to navigate these treacherous waters without being mean to each other. That's a true sign that you really loved each other, still do, but Life moves on.

Good luck! 💕

Similar story to yours, he cheated previously and was on his last chance too and messed up, 20 years together.

Lived in the family home for three years with 2 teenagers. We got on well but it wasn’t sustainable as like OP said, I was in limbo. However, once the realisation set in for him, he turned nasty so be aware of that. Once they don’t get their own way, they switch pretty quickly.

I started to pick up more work to get a mortgage and we sold the house and the kids and I have been in our own home for a year now. I can’t imagine still living that way, it’s no way to live, very restrictive, uncertain and unable to relax. We are so much more happier, secure and I’m able to have a flourishing relationship without any guilt, despite being divorced.

I would advise you to leave as soon as you possibly can, I wish I got out sooner but it took a while for us to sell the house so was out of my hands.

I wish you well.

Thanks everyone for replying. I know it’s going to be hard. He is still going to be seeing her, not that it was a regular thing. She has told him previously that she doesn’t want the hassle of a boyfriend and their situation suited her fine as she knew he wouldnt leave me.

I said to him tonight that she is maybe shitting it now as I have kicked him to the kerb.

I actually felt a weight lifted off my shoulders when I found out and told him that was him out. It’s like I’ve been living for so long worrying about him getting up to things when he hasn’t apparently, fair enough, I’ve been paranoid. I knew there was something up this time though. He has admitted that this is the first time sex has been involved, he apparently hasn’t done this before.

I genuinely don’t care to be honest, like I said, this weight off me feels amazing.

Not looking forward to telling my parents tbh 🤣

thanks again for your kind words. Fingers crossed we can sail through it 🤪

I split up with my partner of 10 years 2months ago. We still live together. He's since started seeing someone and I've taken it terribly tbh. I'm finding it harder to bite my tongue on all the things I used to (for eg him talking about work from 6 in the morning till bedtime). It can be done. Isn't easy. But we also can't afford to split either so I've just got to suck it up.

It has been weird to be honest, we’re still asking each other if they want a cuppa when the kettle is on and we were watching tv last night like before. He told me that this thing he had going was a case of her messaging him to see if he fancied a bit and he would go round to hers for half an hour. He has no interest in getting together with her or anyone else at the moment, he just wants to concentrate on our situation.

I’ve told him that he needs to be pulling his weight around the house a bit more if we are going to be housemates. One problem is that neither of us has been a housemate before so it’s all a massive learning curve.

think we will have to sit down with our daughter soon and explain what is happening as she is 15 and is not daft, she will notice our sleeping arrangements soon enough.

Thanks again for all the replies. You have been a great help

When I separated from my first DH (no children) we tried to do this. He wasn’t discrete & had numerous conversations with her in “his room “ that I could hear. I couldn’t cope. He moved out back to his Dads as it felt like torture. It was by far the worse time for me. I’d held it together until then but it felt like he was rubbing it in my face. I’m not saying of course it would be the same for you.
It’s a long time ago now, and it took me years to realise how abusive the whole relationship was.

I did with my first husband as I wanted a divorce due to his unreasonable behaviour; but he completely ignored me and wouldn't talk about it. So we lived in the same house in separate bedrooms for almost a year with separate finances. We even had separate living rooms. We had one very young child. I was horrible and extremely stressful. We did stay civil with each other for our child.

After around 5 months I met someone else, started going out with friends on nights my husband wasn't out at one of his many hobbies, and I was making a new life for myself.
Eventually my new man persuaded me to move in with him and I did so, and took my child with me. My husband then realised he couldn't stop me and the divorce went ahead. He wanted to keep the house so bought me out.

This is the second time I've been looking for advice and as I'm typing I realise I didn't listen to the advice I received the last time about the same man....that was - show him the door!

I recently discovered my partner of 13 years has been meeting men on line to masterbate together. I was shocked at first then after doing research, discovered this is quite common. But how common? Do all men do this?
I confronted him in a calm way after two weeks as I wanted to try to find out as much as possible about why men do this.
He told me he did it initially out of curiosity and it spiralled and became a habit. It's just fantasy he says. He says he's stopped and is ashamed. Can he stop...he's been doing it since we met apparently.
I've taken time out from him to consider things and I'm beginning to realise I must walk away.
We are not married nor live together. We are in our 70s, young at heart, have common interests and enjoy each other's families. I know he had childhood trauma and I'm convinced that is behind all this.
I guess I'm looking for an excuse to keep him and work through. Any thoughts would be very much appreciated.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. You probably know that the future with him is wrangled with trust issues. If you can stay in the same house while you sort things out, in terms of where next, then it could be a good idea. Especially if you are amicable about it all. This gradual time with help your brain come to terms with it all. Which, in time will give you the strength you need for your future.

Dont rush. Be kind. Stay strong. But move on.

My best friend's parents separated when she was very little but continued living in the same house (obviously separate bedrooms). It worked well. They have been happily co-habiting for 40 years and now the children are adults and out of the house, they still live together. Both have separate lives though and do their own thing (and have had partners over the years but just not lived with the partners).