Not sure whether to talk to ex or not about his gf.

[Wearegoingonanadventure]

My ex and I had a rocky history. We split over 10 years ago when our kids were 6 months old and 2 years old. He wasn’t involved at all with our kids for 5 years (his choice) and then got back in touch. So he has been in their lives for around 5 years now. Sees them once a week usually, rarely had them overnight due to always living in flatshares. Got better flatmates who didn’t mind so has had them overnight more during the last year.

That’s the backstory. Recently, he moved in with his gf. She is 7 years younger than us and quite immature but didn’t make a difference to me.
Now that he lives with her, he can have the kids a bit longer. He just has them for 3 nights. Longest ever. They came home and told me that his gf has a temper in the mornings; she gets up too late to get out to work on time and their dad warned the kids that she has a temper and will throw things around and smash things in the morning whilst looking for her stuff etc. So, each morning, he kept them in a different room while she stomped about and they just heard her shouting and smashing stuff/shoving stuff over etc.

The kids say they are fine. Didn’t feel uncomfortable but just thought it was all very odd.

Do I need to talk to him about this? I do worry that she would chuck stuff around with them in the same room.

A bit of extra info; my youngest had a lot of anger issues growing up without a dad. It took a lot of work when he was in early years of primary school to get his temper under control and help him manage his emotions. It is still work but he has all the tools to manage his feelings. And now he has an adult in his life who tries things and smashes things because she can’t get up on time and hasn’t organised her stuff.

I wouldn't want my kids around that at all 😞

I don't think it's good for them to be in a household where smashing things in anger is normal and you just hide out from the person doing it. They may seem untroubled by it on the surface, but how could they feel emotionally and physically safe there?

I'd be thinking about stopping overnights if she behaves this way. So yes, you definitely need to talk about what's going on with him.

Yes

how I don’t know
you might need some thinking time on this to be honest

tough one

but it’s clearly not positive she is giving herself permission to display such extreme anger in front of minors
🚩
If not , start keeping a diary and noting this down

and this should be him preventing this

not you

My DC wouldn't be staying in a house where there is potential for them to be physically (or emotionally) hurt - end of.

Speak to your ex and explain, if he doesn't deal with the situation, you have your answer: he isn't keeping your DC safe.

My instinct was to speak to him, but he doesn’t take it well when I have to bring stuff up. He very much doesn’t want to be told anything; even when he hasn’t seen them for 5 years and basically had never been a parent, I had to be very careful about how I went about bringing stuff up to prevent a huge row. And this is about his gf… so he’ll be protective and even more annoyed.

At the moment, he isn’t paying maintenance as I agreed to give him a 6 month break so he could sort out the new flat. He already owes £6000ish in missed payment from over the years. It’s been a nightmare. He is meant to start paying the standard amount (no extra to cover back payments owed) in September and I’m worried this will mean he’ll refuse and I’m back to fighting him about money as well as his bloody gf.

if he has to keep the children away from her because she has a temper at times, the children shouldn’t be in the home at all.

But safeguarding your kids is more important than whether he's angry. Or whether he withholds money.

If you can afford to give him a break from his financial responsibilities to his children, then presumably you can manage without relying on the child support. I know it's shit, but maybe just go to the CMS if he starts being awkward again, leave it in their hands and if you get anything it's a bonus?

It sounds to me like you might be being too yielding and placatory to a man who might have been better staying absent from your children's lives. His anger serves him well to shut you up and make you reluctant to challenge him but really what is he bringing to your kids' lives if he won't protect them, won't pay for them, felt fine about not being in their lives for years on end?

Why would you give a fuck about whether he feels angry? He can feel however he wants, that's not your problem. Your only concern is what is best for the children. His opinion in that regard is certainly not one that I would have any respect for given his parenting stats so far.

What stuff is she smashing? Because it is hard to believe that somebody destroys some of their own/their partners belongings every morning - the expense and time involved in replacing them would surely be prohibitive, apart from anything else.

Are you sure the situation hasn't been exaggerated a bit? She might be moody in the morning, and your ex may have suggested to the kids it's easier if they stay out of the way while she gets ready for work - but, while perhaps not ideal, none of that makes her a safe-guarding risk....

Both you and he are entitled to move on with new partners, and as long as those partners don't abuse or harm the kids or put them at risk, really it's not each others business who your co-parent chooses to be with. Few of us are perfect - stomping and swearing a bit in the morning, if you are fine at other times, is not that bad in the scale of possible moral failings .....

If she is genuinely smashing up the house and destroying possessions every morning I agree that's different and you need to say something. But that does sound unlikely (I know it's possible).

I'd just try and get a very, very accurate picture from my kids of what is going on, and ensure nothing is being exaggerated, if you really do think it's necessary to talk to your ex about her. My own daughter is lovely but can be a bit Daily Mail about people and their conduct at times - partly because she's just a bit of a raconteur - she has told me funny stories about the eccentricities of her dad's new partner and her kids that I am pretty sure are exaggerated - I certainly wouldn't act on any of them without further checking!

My joint children with him would not be staying in that house. You need to agree that contact takes place elsewhere. This is incredibly damaging for your kids.