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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this weird?

47 replies

mommabearrof3 · 05/08/2023 08:02

So my partner has always been very private with his phone. He says he isn't but it's always glued to him in the toilet/shower. He makes 100% sure it's never lying around. Last year he changed the passcode on it for no reason and the only reason I knew was because I asked to borrow it and he was so reluctant to let me use jt. He's recently got a new phone so obviously I don't know the password (which is fine and I'd never snoop). But last year he confessed that the protectiveness was down to the fact that he'd been watching porn and live cam girls. This was when I was heavily pregnant with our third and he decided he wasn't attracted to me which never happened in my previous pregnancies.

Yes it's my fault for staying with him and I'll probably always feel suspicious that he's doing it again. This is how he has his phone every night "for his alarm" because when it vibrates on the wall it's louder apparently. Again, fine! But he does this at the weekend too!! The thing is if I express my concerns, (he promised last year to be more open about things), he will just delete anything that could be on there. I never saw any physical evidence last year of what he'd said he'd been watching because I didn't look. Other than this things are good between us and he's a great dad.

Is anybody else's partner like this???
(Also excuse my skirting boards that clearly need a dust and the carpet under the bed🤣)

OP posts:

Bearpawk · 05/08/2023 08:44

You keep saying it's 'FINE' but it's clearly not fine for you.
Porn fine but can girls I couldn't get past.
Just ask him to use his phone for something and if he won't hand it over then you know....
Agree stop having kids with him.
Are you married ?
Do you have any savings ?

Jellyx · 05/08/2023 08:45

I think I'd be having a very direct conversation with him

you have behaved this way, you currently do this and this causes me to feel upset: therefore, I need you to XYZ - likely be honest about what he views/ seeks help for it/ display more openness around his phone.

Make clear you will support him with any issues - as long as he respects the above boundaries- and if he CHOOSES not to do those things he's choosing the end of the relationship.

LetsPutTheKettleOn · 05/08/2023 08:46

I think by telling you about the porn/web cam girls he's throwing you off the scent which is most likely another woman. I'm really sorry it just seems so obvious. I speak from experience.

Giveover80 · 05/08/2023 08:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TheAverageJoanne · 05/08/2023 08:52

mommabearrof3 · 05/08/2023 08:08

The thing is if I end it with no proof of anything he will just make me feel crazy!

You have proof of what he's already owned up to, that's enough to end it.

Lillygolightly · 05/08/2023 08:56

You’ve really got just 2 choices here:

you leave him
you stay

Option 1 - you leave, contrary to popular belief you do not need any kind of proof to leave him, not to mention the fact that he already told you he was doing cam girls/porn. He’s already betrayed you, you don’t need any more reason than you already have.

Option 2 - you stay, but you will have to stay knowing that there is the possibility that he will always be doing the cam girls/porn and whatever else it is he hides on his phone because from what you have explained I doubt very much that this is all he is up to, there will be more to it.

He has never been completely open with his phone and is still secretive, which is not exactly trust building for you is it! It sounds like all he did was show to you that he wasn’t paying for anything, which doesn’t mean much really does it! It also sounds to me like he told you this purely because he had to tell you something to shut up. In essence he’s thrown you a scrap of the story to keep you busy while he gets on with whatever it is he is really up to. So either you stick around and hope that some big ‘gotcha’ moment will eventually present itself or you can save yourself years of this crap and just leave!

Beautiful3 · 05/08/2023 09:03

He's making it difficult for you to get to his phone isn't he? It clearly isn't normal at all. I'd want to engineer a situation where I get access to his phone, and pay someone to get in it. Do you think a private detective could help? By the way he could be using PayPal to pay for cam girls, and it wouldn't be on the account. It would be paid via credit card.

hopsalong · 05/08/2023 09:05

I doubt he's hiding his phone because of porn. It's not hard to browse privately and close the windows afterwards. What traces would be left behind?? Do you think he's worried that cam girls are going to contact him all the time? If they did that they wouldn't have much of a business. Most customers don't want porn shit pinging up on their phone while in a business meeting, with the kids etc.

It sounds to me as if he started having an affair when you were pregnant with your third.

BigButtons · 05/08/2023 09:05

mommabearrof3 · 05/08/2023 08:27

Whether I chose to get past a problem in the relationship last time isn't what I'm looking for advice/reflection on. He was very open with his phone but I've noticed things going downhill again recently so wanted to make sure this isn't "normal" behaviour as I've no proof, before I confront him about it. My children are perfectly happy and very much loved by us both!

Tell him this. Just tell him you are not happy and what you have noticed.

junkyardcars · 05/08/2023 09:14

OP, I was with a man who was very secretive with his phone and one time when my battery was flat and I needed to make a phone call in the car, he nearly jumped out of his skin when I asked to use his. He reluctantly gave me the passcode and though he was driving, he kept darting me all these anxious looks while I scrolled through the address book to find the number I wanted.
I later asked him why he was so jumpy and he finally admitted that 'sometimes' he looked at porn. We talked it out and moved past it but about a year later, I could feel it starting again, phone never leaving his side, watching it light up constantly during the night on his side of the bed while he slept etc etc. Sometimes he'd reply to a text on his phone and I'd see him smile and blush, almost in the way you'd do when someone you fancy sends a text. I'd ask him who it was and it was always 'oh, just a mate'.
I turned into an anxious mess, desperate to know what he was up to and then trying to talk myself out of believing the worst.

Eventually I couldn't take it any more and I did actually look at his phone. It was way beyond 'sometimes looking at porn', it was constant sexting/home-made videos, the lot with 3 or 4 people who looked like they were barely of age. 100% an addict with him literally filling up every spare minute texting/sexting them. Looking at the timeline I could see he'd actually been doing it while we were together at a funeral! There was no going back from that and I'm glad it's long behind me now.

There's nothing wrong with liking your privacy but there's a big difference between being private and being secretive. People who have something to hide keep secrets. Only you can decide if you can live with secrecy.

HashBrownandBeans · 05/08/2023 09:16

My DH puts his phone like that at night and takes it everywhere with him, and I know he’s not up to anything as we both use each others phones all the time, so that alone wouldn’t make me worried.

I do think your partner probably said there was porn on it to throw you off the scent though, that is way more worrying.

Jellyx · 05/08/2023 09:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Depends how committed you are to the marriage. Things like child abuse would mean ending the relationship of course.

DustyLee123 · 05/08/2023 09:47

Jellyx · 05/08/2023 09:24

Depends how committed you are to the marriage. Things like child abuse would mean ending the relationship of course.

Show quote history

He’s a DP, not a DH.

cpphelp · 05/08/2023 10:24

Is this the phone?
If so, I just can't see an issue. Both my husband and I keep our phones by our beds at night.

TheAverageJoanne · 05/08/2023 10:26

@junkyardcars so glad you got rid of this sicko.

Jellyx · 05/08/2023 10:46

@DustyLee123
If no marriage or children then I'd get rid of him much quicker tbh.

aboutbloodytime123 · 05/08/2023 10:53

Yeah, this is weird. I suspect it's the tip of a rather large iceberg. If he's told you he's watching cam girls and you seem ok with it then it's not a secret anymore is it, so what's the new thing he's hiding?

ConnieTucker · 05/08/2023 11:38

cpphelp · 05/08/2023 10:24

Is this the phone?
If so, I just can't see an issue. Both my husband and I keep our phones by our beds at night.

You said by your bed but if the white bars are the headboard, that is behind the bed. Very much out of reach. He would wake up if op tried to get it, which is clearly his intention.

Giveover80 · 05/08/2023 11:46

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

FlamingYam · 05/08/2023 21:01

I don't know much about live cam girls but I'm unsure why they would do a live act for free when it's literally their job and now they make money? Potentially there is an innocently named subscription? For me, it's not the cost but that he has asked a woman to perform specifically for him. If you didn't call him out at the time, it's ok to call him out later and say that you can't get past it despite trying.

Get your ducks in a row and leave.

talkitup · 05/08/2023 21:37

mommabearrof3 · 05/08/2023 08:27

I don't think it is normal; it's not even as if you could access the content without the code so why is he so apparently paranoid about leaving it, even while he's in the shower?

Calistano · 05/08/2023 21:50

He's a shady fucker, I used to see this when I worked at McDonald's ha. I used to be shoved in the drive thru side and you could see that some people were open with their phone, others not so much. I would never ever be with someone again who automatically hid the phone. It's a giant red flag.

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