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Original poster

Ex wife difficulties

11 replies

PinkGrapenut · 04/08/2023 23:17

My partner has been divorced twelve years and shares two mid teens with his ex wife.

She has had partners since their divorce, but remains 'angry' that my partner left her (no affair, he wanted to end the marriage, she didn't). From what I can tell, he's always gone above and beyond in terms of support since their relationship ended. He pays almost all of her rent, has the kids 50:50 etc

She remains very difficult towards him, shouting and swearing and phoning constantly if she doesn't get her way on something. I have always been polite and amicable towards her - none of this is my drama. However, I had to change phone number due to her rants at me every few weeks. She hates me as she also hates her ex husband, she calls me names and swears at me. She thinks he should be single and in eternal purgatory, for divorcing her.

I don't really know what to do - dp hasn't solved this after all these years (we've been together 4 years) and I'm worried when my phone rings it'll be her, having found my new number somehow.

OP posts:
2Hot2Handle · 05/08/2023 08:06

Have you made it clear to your DP that he is not to give his ex your new number?

It’s a difficult one, because she will be a part of your DP’s life in some shape or form forever, as they have children together. Has DP ever tried to tackle the problem by meeting up with her and letting her get everything off her chest? Would a bit of attention give her the closure she needs to move on? Hard to advise without understanding her full character.

charabang · 05/08/2023 08:07

She hasn't moved on has she! and you're right, it's not your drama. But, how on earth is she getting hold of your new phone numbers? I'd be tackling the source of this to ensure I could steer well clear of her rants.

Original poster
PinkGrapenut · 05/08/2023 21:34

@2Hot2Handle her personality seems very volatile. I think she's 'got it off her chest' by ranting at DP/discussing many times over the years. He's not argumentative, which perhaps is part of the problem.

@charabang she looks me up online. I've hidden all profiles with my name, in theory she can't easily find me...

She doesn't want him back, hates him but doesn't want him to have a partner?? It is all very difficult tbh.

OP posts:
Ghostjail · 05/08/2023 21:43

Explain to her very clearly that if she contacts you again you will contact the police and report her harassment of you.

I understand that you don't want to make things difficult for his children but it's important for them to be able recognise abusive behaviour and to know that it can't be tolerated, even if the perpetrator is someone you love.

ChristmasCrumpet · 05/08/2023 21:48

Does he pay all of her rent voluntarily?!

WeeOrcadian · 05/08/2023 21:56

I don't understand why you're with someone who puts up with this shite - and pays her rent!? WTF!!??

Your OH is part of the issue here - he's a doormat to his ex. I don't see this ending well.

lookingforhomemum · 06/08/2023 20:12

PinkGrapenut · 04/08/2023 23:17

My partner has been divorced twelve years and shares two mid teens with his ex wife.

She has had partners since their divorce, but remains 'angry' that my partner left her (no affair, he wanted to end the marriage, she didn't). From what I can tell, he's always gone above and beyond in terms of support since their relationship ended. He pays almost all of her rent, has the kids 50:50 etc

She remains very difficult towards him, shouting and swearing and phoning constantly if she doesn't get her way on something. I have always been polite and amicable towards her - none of this is my drama. However, I had to change phone number due to her rants at me every few weeks. She hates me as she also hates her ex husband, she calls me names and swears at me. She thinks he should be single and in eternal purgatory, for divorcing her.

I don't really know what to do - dp hasn't solved this after all these years (we've been together 4 years) and I'm worried when my phone rings it'll be her, having found my new number somehow.

I'm sorry to hear you're the punching bag for the way your now partner hurt his ex. Even though she is behaving immaturely about it, I don't mean to be rude, but usually women who have been massively hurt and let down become like this. If anything, you don't really know her side of the story, only his. But you're right, it's his drama... but it will be yours forever too with the children there. I'm not sure how close you are to his kids, but if you will become their step-mother one day, it might mean you do have to make the effort and not change your number and ignore this woman. Wishing you the best.

2Hot2Handle · 08/08/2023 16:56

If the ex won’t leave you alone and since your DP has tried reasoning with her, maybe your DP should find out what he should actually be contributing financially. If it’s considerably more than he is currently giving her (sounds like it would be), perhaps he could use that as an incentive for her to back off. I.e. “You need to leave my partner alone and you need to be polite and civil when we communicate. Otherwise we’ll need to go through CMS for future payments and they may determine a lower amount of financial support is required. It’s not a route I want to take, but if you carry on this way, I can’t see any other option”. Not a tactic I’d normally recommend, but I can’t think of anything else!

SeulementUneFois · 08/08/2023 17:14

Ghostjail · 05/08/2023 21:43

Explain to her very clearly that if she contacts you again you will contact the police and report her harassment of you.

I understand that you don't want to make things difficult for his children but it's important for them to be able recognise abusive behaviour and to know that it can't be tolerated, even if the perpetrator is someone you love.

This OP.

Do it in writing, both post and email. (Probably need to set up a new email address for it.)

SeulementUneFois · 08/08/2023 17:18

@lookingforhomemum

Wtf???
You're saying that someone should voluntarily submit herself to abuse, on a long term basis???

All because of a breakup over a decade ago - that had nothing to do with her?

This is literally appeasement and enabling of an abuser.
Disgusting to read

Quitelikeit · 08/08/2023 17:28

Block her number and don’t answer calls from withheld numbers

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