Ex friend has died

[Motnight]

I was for over 20 years very good friends with an old colleague.

We met up several times a year for wine and food. We knew each other very well, and loved each other. When his son died I was there for him, and he was there for me whenever I had problems.

One evening we were walking back to the train station together and talking about gay marriage. He suddenly went into a huge yelling rant at me, telling me I was disrespectful of his religion to say what I was saying. He was shouting at me and I was completely flummoxed, he wouldn't stop and it was actually quite scary. Two men came up to us and asked me if I was ok and my friend stalked off.

We didn't speak for a couple of years, he then contacted me again and we we met up. But it was awkward, there was no apology from him, in fact he wanted to blame what happened on me, and we made no more plans to see each other again..He sent Christmas and birthday cards, I didn't respond.

About a year ago he sent me a Facebook friends request. I ignored it. Earlier this week I looked at the request again and clicked on his profile. He died back in March after a long illness.

I can't stop thinking about him, and our friendship, and my stubborness. I am ashamed that when he was really ill he reached out to me via Facebook and I didn't respond. I always just thought that if I changed my mind my friend would be there again for me.

I don't think that I have the right to feel sad or upset but I do. I can't really speak to anyone about this. My DH knows that I am sad but is very black and white about feelings and relationships.

Not sure why I am posting this really but just trying to make sense of things

You already met up with him to clear the air and he clearly showed you he still had the same beliefs. It’s fine to feel sad for the friendship you thought you had but seriously you don’t want a friend like that. Also, if he was desperate to tell you something on his deathbed I’m pretty sure he could have gone further than a FB request. Mourn what you had not how it ended

It’s fine to disagree but if you can’t articulate your opinion like a grown up and think it’s ok to abuse someone into submission, then you should be asking yourself why he didn’t value your friendship.

Grieve for him but don’t whitewash his poor behaviour. Think of the dynamic your friendship would have had had you accepted his awful treatment of you.

Of course you have a right to mourn. It sounds like in your head the friendship was never fully over, as you always expected him to be there and now he isn't and you're left with complex feelings about how your friendship turned out.

That's OK and it's important to acknowledge how you feel and to grieve. A 20 year friendship - you're as entitled to grieve as anyone.

My deepest condolences to you

Mourn what you had not how it ended seems like perfect advice to me. I’m sorry for your loss. X

The friendship could not continue in the state it was in - a fundamental difference of opionion, which is why you ended it. The fact he has died, sad as it was, doen't change that. We can't continue friendships on the basis that one day that person may day and we will feel bad. You set a boundary and lived by it. You have nothing to regret.

Good riddance to a bigot, is what I'd be thinking in your shoes.

Look if he hadn’t died
you’d probably still not be friends as (a) major values clash and (b) he didn’t apologise

it’s worse when people die and you were estranged in some ways
much more incompletion

can you do a personal memorial
go somewhere , take an item of his
bury it and thank him for the good memories ?

xxx

Thank you everyone for your responses.

I guess that I have been feeling incredibly guilty about how our friendship ended. But it wasn't my behaviour that led to it, people are right. And thinking about things logically I couldn't continue our friendship, or I would have done.

I have just made a donation to a charity that meant a lot to my friend. I think that I am almost mourning our old friendship which ended years ago.

It's been really helpful reading your posts, thank you.

People are multi faceted. On one hand your friend was caring and supportive, on the other homophobic, abusive and intimidating.
You should feel no guilt that your distaste for his faults outweighed the benefits of his qualities and brought the friendship to an end.
Nor should you feel that how it ended tarnished what it once was. You still have your memories of the good in the friendship.
Grief can be particularly hard when the relationship was conflicted as all hope of resolution has gone. Your feelings are valid.