Need help, what to do with chaotic alcoholic parent?!

[pilea11]

Lurker, occasional poster and constant name-changer – especially for this.

I am 40. My parents (still together) are 60-ish. Mother has been an alcoholic for a long time.

Six months ago, she was made by her GP to come off some anti-psychotic/anti-schizophrenia drugs she has been taking for decades. (I don't know why she was on them in the first place, she has never been psychotic or schizophrenic.) She is also on anti-depressants, which she can continue taking.

We thought she was adjusting to life without these drugs and she seemed ok, was sleeping ok, seemed normal etc. But recently she has got completely fixated on getting back on them. And she has started making 'suicide attempts' to get medical attention. I put that in quotes because she gets drunk and takes a small amount of paracetamol, way below the level required for anything unpleasant like stomach-pumping. She has called an ambulance before and they simply observe her for a bit. She saw a mental health team and apparently they thought she was 'very intelligent and needs to do more creative pursuits'. And that was that.

She has always been epically self-centred, anti-social and selfish, and I hate for it. She sits around drinking all day, she won't clean the house, walk the dogs, do anything to contribute.

But I love my dad. He still goes to work every day, takes care of the house and dogs etc. Sometimes I go there and clean the house for him. He tries to stay positive. Honestly, he has enabled her.

I strongly suspect she has started drink driving, which is a line crossed for me.

What I want to know is, what can be done with people like this? She won't seek help, despite all the offers and having access to help. We are experienced enough to know that she needs to choose to get help, choose to change.

So in the meantime, what can we do? Is there anything? I wish my dad had left her years ago and met someone else. Can anyone give advice? Nothing seems practical.

I know I am going to sound callous towards her but after so many years of this, my heart has hardened.

just be there for your dad is my reaction.

I wonder if the trigger for my relatives EUPD was undiagnosed autism. Looking back they had issues from childhood that would fit with that but I just don't think the understanding was there in the 70's.

@GoodStuffAnnie this is excellent advice and I second it, having also been in the same position. Good luck OP.

I'm sorry you're going through this, her behaviour isn't OK and much be so draining for you and your dad.

Some antipsychotic drugs are prescribed off licence because there is evidence they help people with personality disorders with emotional dysregulation and reduce suicide/self-harming behaviours.

Some people (often women) with PD are also sometimes misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on an an antipsychotic drug as a mood stabiliser, given that she's been on them for years I wonder if this is what happened?

Antipsychotics aren't fun to take, they are a bit sedating but not in a way that anyone would take them for a high/buzz/whatever. It sounds like being on them might have helped your mum manage her behaviour? Having them removed without her agreement is also pretty invalidating, she may be out to prove a point now.

I would go with her to the GP, spell out what has happened and make it clear that tinkering with her meds has been catastrophically unhelpful for all involved. Take some evidence of these drugs being used off-license for suicidality.

If this doesn't work as for the crisis team, they should understand these behaviours and will have a psychiatrist who can re-prescribe and hopefully contain things for you.

But also, your mum is an adult, and if you did want to leave all responsibility for this with her do this. Put your own oxygen mask on first.

Some antipsychotic drugs are prescribed off licence because there is evidence they help people with personality disorders with emotional dysregulation and reduce suicide/self-harming behaviours.

Some people (often women) with PD are also sometimes misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on an an antipsychotic drug as a mood stabiliser, given that she's been on them for years I wonder if this is what happened?

@RumandSpinach this is really interesting context, thank you. I think you could be exactly right. It is hard to get any info out of her, but she refers to them as 'my mood stabilisers' and she has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II. I'm obviously not a professional but I've never seen any evidence of her having BPII. Any 'manic' episodes seem to have simply been drunk recklessness.

She was made to come off the drug because it was causing some sort of pituitary gland issue. Also, quietly, my dad and I wondered if coming off the drug could change her for the better, that she might start to take some joy in life or become motivated to do anything at all that's not sitting on her arse drinking all day.

Sadly not. Just the same selfishness, laziness and absolute disregard for others. She seems to see us as cardboard figures, with no needs or emotions of our own. We're simply here to do things for her, to pay the bills.

I utterly despise her, to be honest.

You already know you can't help her. But I think you need to accept that you can't help your Dad either.

I know you love him but he has enabled your Mum and failed to protect you.

I have experience of alcoholism as a child and adult. My Mum used my Dad's drinking to garner sympathy from us. When I realised I had married an alcoholic (10 years into our relationship) I told his that if he continued drinking or stopped then relapsed, he couldn't live in the family home.

It would be a cold day in hell when I would allow my dc to be exposed to the emotionally destructive behaviour of an alcoholic.

@nobodysdaughternow I get that. I do understand that they are both in the grip of it, really. He has created a situation in which she never faces consequences. And yes, of course, he buys the alcohol for her. He tries to put a brave face on, but he has been very weak, sadly. He has not been prepared to do anything difficult to face this. He wants to moan and grumble for a couple of days, and then return to the silly nonsense of 'oh, I do think she is trying' when there's absolutely no evidence for it. I understand that he is completely caught up in the addiction too.

You have been extremely strong and principled to protect your children in the way that you have. You've broken the cycle and it gives me comfort to know it.

@nobodysdaughternow thinking more on what you said... yes, I probably need to work more on accepting that I can't change him/his situation either.

Other people tell me 'he has enabled her' and it pains me to hear criticism of him. But that's how it is, and you're right, I do have to accept it. I think it's possible to have sympathy for him, to understand how his personality traits have led to this etc, while also drawing a boundary for myself here too.

Please protect your own mental and physical health here. You cannot fix this situation and you did not cause this.
Some wise poster said upthread about them both being adults and they have made their life choices. Please don’t let yourself be pulled down with them ❤️

I am happy you are feeling well supported by this thread.

I expect she had a traumatic childhood? I also expect she had attachment disorder. All your descriptions of how she makes connections are so familiar. My mum loved health care professionals.

I’ve got another friend with an alcoholic mum and we have both discussed how they both needed to live in sheltered housing together. A big house with rooms and meals made for them. I also thought that alcohol should be administered (but less than they would normally have). Oh it’s 3 o clock time for beer number 3/4.

@GoodStuffAnnie Hmmm I wouldn't say a traumatic childhood. I think she felt somewhat bullied by her father, which of course would affect a person. (Although many people have overbearing, demanding, high-expectation parents.) Generally, it was a normal middle class upbringing for the time.

She's not actually very interested in other people. I certainly wouldn't call her clingy. She is content to sit watching TV all day, every day. She has pretty low social needs. It's almost like just one appointment a week is enough for her. She will phone acquaintances or relatives just to whinge about things, but she can easily forget about those people and not think of them for months.

When it comes to personality disorders, nothing really fits.

People on this thread have been extremely generous to me today, and I'm incredibly grateful. Thank you all.

Can I ask one last thing? Has anyone been able to truly understand (or even accept) the idea of 'it's an illness'?

I'm not asking for anyone to explain it to me, because I know I will need to get there by myself (whether through reading or therapy or meetings). But I'm interested to know if any of you have got there.

Honestly I don't see it as an illness personally, ultimately people with addictions are responsible for their behaviour.

What does help me is the cycle of change (attached), in that people can't create their own motivation to change, and that real lasting change takes time and preparation to get to.

If it was pituitary related I'd guess her prolactin was high? This usually only happens with Risperidone, another drug might help her feel less dysregulated, its worth asking.