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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Toxic Family (in laws) - please help

12 replies

KS2305 · 04/08/2023 18:51

My DH has the most toxic family I have ever come across - I could be here all day explaining but largely it is the sister and mother who rule the roost.

Anyway, latest drama is that sister hasn't spoken to her Dad since her wedding 2 years ago and then subsequently cut off DH too. During this time DH maintained a relationship with Dad and told him that sister was angry and didn't want to talk to him and sort of commiserated together. Sister contacted Dad afte r 2 years yesterday and for some unfathomable reason Dad said that he hadn't reached out because DH said that she never wanted to talk to Dad again....DH hasn't denied talking to his Dad but said he cannot be held responsible for 2 adults not picking up the phone to each other to resolve issues. It has BLOWN UP and sister has called DH a disgusting liar, that he needs professional help for his lying problem, that he is a terrible person etc and now turned the remainder of the family against him. Mum has "confirmed" everything that Sister has said adding weight to the argument.

This is the latest in a long line of awful things and I now want to cut ties. I want to protect both myself and my DH's mental health and if things resolve later down the line then so be it.

I think there is some gaslighting going on but any advice on what the hell to do for us and how to make this any better / support my DH with what looks like totally family estrangement.

Thanks 😢

OP posts:
BMW6 · 04/08/2023 18:54

Would DH be prepared to tell the lot of them to go to hell?

Original poster
KS2305 · 04/08/2023 18:58

I guess he's scared to finally say it and that be it? You're told "family is everything". Just so sad!

OP posts:
Pallisers · 04/08/2023 19:05

They are all addicted to drama.

your husband should tell them he is happy to engage like a normal family but has no interest in participating in a script from a bad soap opera. They know his number, give him a call when they want to meet up.

And then just ignore the drama.

Original poster
KS2305 · 04/08/2023 19:48

Pallisers · 04/08/2023 19:05

They are all addicted to drama.

your husband should tell them he is happy to engage like a normal family but has no interest in participating in a script from a bad soap opera. They know his number, give him a call when they want to meet up.

And then just ignore the drama.

You're not wrong there! ThanksSmile

OP posts:
Original poster
KS2305 · 07/08/2023 08:03

So DH has decided that for the time being he is going no contact with his Mum and has blocked his sisters number. We have also left the family WhatsApp group as we do not need to know what the Mum and Sister are doing and be party to it. Dad isn't replying or communicating with DH (Mum and Dad are divorced) All very sad 😔

OP posts:
HighywayToHell · 07/08/2023 08:11

So basically the dad has thrown your husband under the bus for a relationship with his once estranged daughter, even though your husband kept contact throughout. I would cut him out too.

Original poster
KS2305 · 07/08/2023 08:37

HighywayToHell · 07/08/2023 08:11

So basically the dad has thrown your husband under the bus for a relationship with his once estranged daughter, even though your husband kept contact throughout. I would cut him out too.

Basically, yes. DH told his dad what was being said behind his back at the time of the estrangement with his Sister and also discussed how the sister wasnt talking to DH either. Dad has told both Mum and Sister that he hasnt been in touch for 2 years because DH told him not to and that Sister never wanted to speak to him again. I don't think my husband said that or to that extreme but I know a lot was said in upset and anger 2 years ago when it was all happening and my husband can be emotional.

What I don't believe it fair is 2 grown adults using something that anyone says as a reason for not picking up the phone! That I believe is on you, especially as a parent.

OP posts:
Daffodilsandtuplips · 23/02/2024 09:29

He said, she said…
Leave them to the drama, they sound like they thrive on it, wallow in it and if if there isn’t one they’ll create one. Your DH’s emotional health will improve when he’s no longer subjected to them and the chaos they cause.
I cut a toxic in law off years ago and life is so much better.

FreeRider · 23/02/2024 09:40

Zombie thread

LookItsMeAgain · 23/02/2024 10:04

KS2305 · 04/08/2023 18:58

I guess he's scared to finally say it and that be it? You're told "family is everything". Just so sad!

Not if they are the ones impacting on your happiness and mental wellbeing. They are most definitely not "everything" at that point.

Your DH needs to work on his boundaries about what he would and wouldn't find acceptable if it were strangers doing this to him and then replace the strangers with his family members and see if he would still accept that behaviour.

It might be easier if you have kids, because it might be easier for him to show his kids what Daddy will and won't put up with from anyone. This shows them a good example and they learn from it.

LookItsMeAgain · 23/02/2024 10:05

FreeRider · 23/02/2024 09:40

Zombie thread

Only seeing this now. Thanks for the heads up @FreeRider .

Original poster
KS2305 · 01/03/2024 08:35

LookItsMeAgain · 23/02/2024 10:04

Not if they are the ones impacting on your happiness and mental wellbeing. They are most definitely not "everything" at that point.

Your DH needs to work on his boundaries about what he would and wouldn't find acceptable if it were strangers doing this to him and then replace the strangers with his family members and see if he would still accept that behaviour.

It might be easier if you have kids, because it might be easier for him to show his kids what Daddy will and won't put up with from anyone. This shows them a good example and they learn from it.

Show quote history

Sorry I have only just seen this! Thank you very much for coming back and I completely agree with everything you've said.

DH is working on his boundaries and seems to be making good progress and I will be there to support as much as possible.

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